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Post by Susan Peabody on Mar 11, 2009 7:23:29 GMT -8
If you decide that forgiveness is for you, it might be helpful to realize that letting go of anger does not mean you have to like the person who hurt you or continue to let that person persecute you. Actually, you don’t even have to be around people who hurt you if you don’t want to.
For years I attended a church where another member absolutely hated me. I loved to talk about my involvement in 12-step programs and she was so narrow-minded that she spoke up against me. “I am tired of hearing about those steps,” she used to say. One day she berated me at a committee meeting and I quietly left. I went home and wrote a letter to the pastor tending my resignation on the committee. I ended the letter with the lines, “You know, Christ asks us to love our neighbors and our enemies alike, but some people you just have to love from a distance.”
Furthermore, forgiveness is not a constant state. It ebbs and flows like the tide. Sometimes you feel good about those who hurt you, and other times you feel the anger all over again. But this doesn’t mean you have not progressed. I’ve found that, as long as I ask God for the strength to release my anger, or announce it in my support group that I am going to “turn it over,” or tell my therapist I am really tired of these resentments and want them to go away, the anger comes less and less often.
Please note, despite my own personal feelings about the value of forgiveness as a therapeutic and healing device, and the right moral choice for me, I feel strongly that it is a very personal choice and that no one should be told to forgive when they’re not ready. They shouldn’t be shamed by others, and they should not shame themselves. They should just push themselves gently in the right direction.
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Post by asianaries on Mar 11, 2009 16:09:47 GMT -8
Susan, I'm glad u mentioned this because I have been having difficulities going to church as well. My problem is not with some of the members there but one of the leader, which is the Pastor's wife.
I have been going to this church for about 6 to 7 months now probably around the beginning stage of recovery..this place really did help me and heal me in someways, I LOVE the people there dearly because it's a place where I can go for growth and healing.
I feel that I have lost touch with the lord because in someways I have gotten so connected with the members there that it really bug me that I can't trust the person that is in the leadership role. It REALLY REALLY bug me!
Everytime I try to get going and start connecting with the people that I want to worship with.... my co-pastors face would pop up and it would hinder me not to go. And I believe that has been what has been causing me to lose hope and connection with the lord. I want to be at a place where I can connect with people that shares the same interest as me and help me form relationship with the lord. I am NOT trying to blame her or anything..I should take responsiblity for how I feel about her but even other members at the church noticed that she has a certain jealous streak bout her.
No matter how much I try to ignore her negative energy or certain 'stares' that she gives off when she's around me...I just can't get it off and my biggest pet peeves is being around fake people. I'll work with the rude and blunt type of people because at least they have a certain 'realness' to them that I respect.
I believe it all started when people at the church noticed that I could sing and it had gotten all around. That's when the relationship between me and my co-pastor has changed..sometimes I just want to sit down and talk to her what her d*mn deal is with me.
It's so hard for me to form relationshps with women and since I assumed that she was older who can be like a mother figure to me..why the heck would she be jealous of me (but I believe that she is) She's jealous of every single women in THAT church and it's really been hindering my relationshp with her because it's not a quality that I would respect, especially someone who is placed in that leadership role.
My friends told me to just keep going and keep fighting, it's the dtoxic trying to play that game between us. The thing is I WANT to go but what the heck am I supposed to do ..fake it out? I dont like fake people ..so why should I have to fake it out myself...what to do people? what to do??
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Post by judy on Mar 11, 2009 16:38:20 GMT -8
Hi Sue, great thread for us LA's I think. I think it's very easy to sugar coat certain situations that involve abuse or bad behavior in the guise of "forgiveness".
Like you I have now experienced forgiveness in an entirely different way. I really experience forgiveness as "letting go". Whether I am forgiving myself or someone else. I acknowledge the hurt, do what I have to do to process it, and then move on. As you said, it may rear its ugly head again, but it's easier to let go once you've made a decision to forgive - and I think forgiveness is definitely a DECISION rather than an emotional band-aid to make everything appear alright.
It really IS about moving on, isn't it? These are the discoveries that are so profound in these programs, aren't they? So simple and yet so hard to get to sometimes.
Thanks!
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