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Post by Susan Peabody on Mar 13, 2009 7:27:45 GMT -8
Years ago, I wrote my mother a letter telling her I had forgiven her. When she received the letter she cried (since I had asked her not to call me, my sister phoned to tell me). It was almost six months later that my mother went into the hospital for emergency surgery. As I sat by her bed in the recovery room she reached out and took my hand. Tears started streaming down her face and she said, “Susie, you will never know how much your letter meant to me. I love you so much.” I started crying too and we just sat there in silence--the wounds healing and the peace settling into our hearts.
This was the beginning of my life-long attempt to let go of the past and forgive all the people who had harmed me. After mom, everyone else was a piece of cake. Interestingly enough, after forgiving my mom for her shortcomings, I also found it easier to forgive myself for the mistakes I had made with my own children.
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Post by primrose on Feb 14, 2010 11:34:01 GMT -8
That's very beautiful Susan. I have forgiven my mother too. I still have unprocessed pain about my childhood, but I don't act it out in my relationship with her. I am amazed at how much better I feel about myself now that I've forgiven her. It means I am worthy of forgiveness too. P.
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Post by miztex on Apr 3, 2010 19:24:15 GMT -8
I am very angry at my mother. I can't stand to be in the same room with her. I wish I could get over it. I need to forgive her. She is old and sick.
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Post by primrose on Apr 4, 2010 4:34:44 GMT -8
Miztex, I don't know if this will help, but one thing I've done which has helped me have a relationship with my mother is to have two relationships with her. My relationship in the present is the relationship I have with her when I'm in adult. I treat her with respect, I don't act out any anger from the past. I am kind to her. And that really works for me. In therapy and in the child work I do, I let all the old feelings surface. The pain, the rage, the fear. All of that can come up, and does. So my hurt child self has a place to take those feelings.
I am no longer a child with a mother who doesn't understand me. The feelings from that time are still strong and I need to pay attention to them, but I do it in therapy, not with my mother. My mother now is a woman in her 60s I am the powerful one in our relationship today as two adults. I could hurt her should I chose to do that. And it's very important for me that I DON'T hurt her or get revenge for the times she hurt me as a child.
I haven't found that forgiveness was enough on its own. I've still had to attend to the feelings from my childhood. Forgiveness hasn't been a salve that healed all my old wounds, although it has brought me lots of peace. I've found having good boundaries around not acting out child feelings with my mother has really helped me get on well with her. P.
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Post by miztex on Apr 4, 2010 15:12:24 GMT -8
Prim,
I took your suggestion about two relationships with my mom to heart. I kept it in mind while I was with her. Better than dumping all my toxic crud on her like my sister did years ago. It hurt them both.
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