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Post by estrela5 on Mar 23, 2009 17:25:08 GMT -8
We need to know how far we'll go, and how far we'll allow others to go with us. Once we understand this, we can go anywhere.
--Beyond Codependency
When we own our power to take care of ourselves - set a boundary, say no, and change an old pattern - we may get flack from some people. That's okay. We don't have to let their reactions control us, stop us, or influence our decision to take care of ourselves.
We don't have to control their reactions to our process of self-care. That is not our responsibility. We don't have to expect them not to react either.
People will react when we do things differently or take assertive action to nurture ourselves, particularly if our decision in some way affects them. Let them have their feelings. Let them have their reactions. But continue on your course anyway.
If people are used to us behaving in a certain way, they'll attempt to convince us to stay that way to avoid changing the system. If people are used to us saying yes all the time, they may start mumbling and murmuring when we say no. If people are used to us taking care of their responsibilities, feelings, and problems, they may give us some flack when we stop. That's normal. We can learn to live with a little flack in the name of healthy self-care. Not abuse, mind you flack.
If people are used to controlling us through guilt, bullying, and badgering, they may intensify their efforts when we change and refuse to be controlled. That's okay. That's flack too.
We don't have to let flack pull us back into old ways if we've decided we want and need to change. We don't have to react to flack or give it much attention. It doesn't deserve it. It will die down.
Today, I will disregard any flack I receive for changing my behaviors or making other efforts to be myself.
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Post by cheri on Mar 31, 2009 0:09:10 GMT -8
We need to know how far we'll go, and how far we'll allow others to go with us. Once we understand this, we can go anywhere.Make a notes so I can come back to read easily 
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Post by LovelyJune on Apr 6, 2009 5:01:18 GMT -8
This is SO VERY important to me. I tend to say YES to everything in the beginning of a (good) relationship and the guy starts to believe I am the most accepting, agreeable woman he's ever met. I then become so burnt out on love and sex and pleasure that i literally want to run away so as to get some peace within myself. I find it extremely difficult to create BOUNDARIES for myself. I let people take over my life. Even if they are the most wonderful person in the world, even if we share the same values, if i let them take over who i am, i eventually become resentful, angry and withdrawn.
Avoidant men do not take over. They do not become all-consumed with me. I have always found this to be safe, so I go for avoidant men. I have placed the responsibility of upholding boundaries on them. Their nature, who they are inherently, creates a natural boundary. I find avoidant men NORMAL. BUT THEY ARE NOT HEALTHY FOR ME. So now, I am in a relationship where the scales are tipped in the opposite direction, and I am responsible for upholding boundaries myself. I don't like the way this feels. I'm not responsible. I am lazy. I don't want to do the work. I want to run away. I want to run back to the fantasy of believing that an avoidant man is better for me. I am projecting my fear and low self-esteem and self-loathing onto this new man and feelings of disgust are cropping up. Like a child, I want to run and hide. I don't want to deal with the idea of a big girl relationship that has no drama or pain. I don't want to work for this. I experienced passion and what I believed was love or infatuation for the first three months, and now...i'm done. I want to run away and hide. I want to be single again. He's too good for me. He's a lawyer. He's responsible. He was married for twelve years (he's stable), he kind. he never lies. He doesn't do drugs or use people, or cheat or steal. He doesn't possess ANY of the qualities i am used to (addiction, unfaithfulness, deceitfulness, unstable, avoidant). WHAT DO I DO WITH A MAN LIKE THIS?
I am so confused. Feeling a little lost right now.
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Post by asianaries on Apr 6, 2009 7:10:51 GMT -8
Um...Telmita what you are describing is basically me and thank you for posting. I have always been the avoidant in most of my relationships...I repeat ALWAYS. I met a man 5 years ago who became my Poa because HE was the avoidant in the relationship.
I was very THANKFUL for that he had taken that role of being the 'avoidant' because I noticed he doesn't drain me as most of the others I've dated. When he needed his space, I give it to him because in someways I DEFINATELY needed my space most of the time. All in all for a long time throughout the years I thought this pattern was normal.
Until I realize the root of the problem..I was too scared to be vulnerable to normal healthy people...because in someways I didn't believe I was normal myself. I mean ...Telmita, you & me are alike in someways in that I assume we get drained or overwhelmed by people real easily.
And if someone had taken that 'caretaker' role in wanting & needing us in a loving and healthy way it does become uncomfortable to us...almost foreign.
I love the avoidant men because in someways I GET THEM. I feel a lot safer being with them because it's a sense of tolerance that I am willing to deal with because I'm so familiar with it. THEY DON'T DRAIN ME as much & they know how to reel me back in once I get that sense of boredom creeping in again. It's a constant ping pong game that become boring later once I developed a healthy frame of mine.
U seem to be doing well lately w/ your recovery process and just feel the feelings anyways with your new man. He sounds like a wonderful partner. U know deep down inside the 'avoidant' in you was gonna creep out again once you find someone to settle down with. It is just a natural process that we 'love addicts' must have to deal with once we form that healthier frame of mind and begin to start dating again.
At least now, you are aware of your own behaviors and what you bring out of the relationships & to who you attract. At least now you understand what you boundaries are and work baby steps from that.
I am happy for you girl...and keep on posting your insecurities & struggles because in someways it is helping me with my own recovery and what I can expect in future progress.
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Post by havefaith on Apr 6, 2009 7:12:01 GMT -8
I am married to one - responsible, loving, faithful, supportive. I have not appreciated him in my 20+ years with him. Only by the Grace of God has he stayed with me; I am recovering from LA for the two of us. I want (finally) to value such a good man.
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Post by pleadies on Mar 4, 2010 5:41:04 GMT -8
Oh I too sense 'flack' . . .( a codep moment here->) Maybe I don't know how to 'gracefully' set boundaries . Trying to get her (W) and g'son to 'ask' in a complete "Would you..." "Please..." type sentence. Typically, it's an "I want..." , "I nedd..." and I respond....
They (esp W) seems a little miffed at me not just jumping to it....actually asked wife to "ask": "Oh, that's what your support group is all about" she said in a miffed voice....
Yea, I know about flack....
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Post by pleadies on Mar 7, 2010 5:34:18 GMT -8
Adifferent kind of 'flck' torecovery : my responsibility emplaced by others.
The "room mate' spouse and i are raising our son's son. the grandson is 7 and is more than, I feel, typical energetic 7 yr old: has has developed wonderful survival skillls having live thru 2 nasty divorces....loosing 2 "mommies". He was dropped off ( well, G'ma said OK, I said "No") 2 yr ago. I'm 61 and want "my" live.
I have dedicated "my" life to my spouse; she was always "1st in line": I Enabled her poor financial responsibility, I was her Caretaker, and tolerated a minimal contact ( peck on cheek ir lips at best) physical relationship....for the last 25 of our 40 years....
I am having 'internal' PLUS external flack. They get fussy cause I'm no longer fussen over & for them. I can sense theyre aggrivation ( her grumbles, his stronger nagging).
"I don't want this for the rest of my life", and after last weeks stay in the hospital, I am concerned that the rest of my life isn't 'forever'...ya know what I mean....
"My luck", Jst when I get my stuff together, I'll have the heart attack or stroke and game over....then why the f try . . .
parden my pity party, needed to vent...
But there may be others out there that want to walk away, but know they shoiuldn't: they've go kids to raise or a sick spouse to be the nurse....
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Post by primrose on Mar 7, 2010 11:02:47 GMT -8
Pleadies, just wondering, are you going to CODA meetings? It may be that gently putting up boundaries will really help you, it sounds like you've made a start and that's great, well done.
Pleadies, there is a LOT of victim in your posts, a lot, and it's really important that you stop with the "poor me" It won't help ok? You are a man in your 60s, you are not the slave of a 7 year old, if you feel like you are, then you absolutely need to change. Children need parents around, not men who say "poor me I'm a slave to this child's needs AND he nags me" that is ridiculous. If it's like that in your mind, you owe it to yourself and that child to grow up. It is only ever a projection that the adult is at the mercy of the child, any good parenting class will show you that your behaviour profoundly affects a child's behaviour, and if you are in adult, the child behaves like the child.
Probably this site isn't able to help you much with that as the focus is on love addiction, but it can help you come out of victim. I could be wrong, but to me, you sound very angry in a passive way. You sound like you are silently seething about your life. If that's true it's time to address that, no one is ever going to be the way you want them to be, they can't and won't change, you however CAN change. You can. And it seems like you are already by taking better care of your needs. Intensify that process with working a recovery programme. LAA may be the way to go. If it is, set up a plan for yourself of what you will and will not tolerate in your home life, what your fantasy triggers are, look at all the areas where you are running away from reality. And once you've done that, start the steps, the steps will give you a lot of clarity.
And stop with the venting now, the focus has to be on YOU and what you are doing to get well. I don't want to read again about how often your wife doesn't kiss you, and how unfair it is. I am sure you've though about all of that a million times and clearly going round in that hasn't moved you one step closer to happiness. Working the 12 steps WILL give you a fulfilling life and it will bring you contentment and a backbone and you'll come out of victim. Best. P.
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Post by primrose on Mar 7, 2010 11:24:10 GMT -8
Oh, something else about your grandson, there is a website for people who care for adopted children who have attachment disorder, I'll try and get you the link. If your grandson is very damaged from his childhood, it could be a source of support for you. P. It's www.attachmentdisorder.net |
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