Post by strummergirl on Apr 10, 2009 21:32:05 GMT -8
Hello, all...I'm here because I still carry a torch for my first boyfriend, A. from over 20 years ago. I haven't been posting lately, partly because I'm in therapy for this, and partly because my POA is from so long ago...I still read posts every day, and get so much out of it, but usually feel reluctant to share. But as soon as I saw this forum I knew I had to jump in.
Growing up, fantasizing was my way of coping with life. From fourth grade on, I was teased daily at school, and learned to withdraw. A. and I both grew up in alcoholic homes (his dad, my mom). My mom took her anger out on me, his dad took it out on him. A. and I met when our parents were in treatment for alcoholism. He was my dream come true...he was my rescuer, my friend...he even referred to himself as my "knight in shining armor" the night he told me he loved me. The first couple of years seemed pretty wonderful...
But then time went on and things became not so wonderful...the pain was so bad when he changed his mind about loving me and wanting to marry me. He also started drinking, and his personality seemed to change in a way that didn't make sense. I've never been able to understand what people mean when they say "get over it." It was devastating to me, and still is.
(Side note: In the past year I've done lots of reading about narcissism. Another relief to find an explanation for something that's been inexplicable to me for so long...from what I've read, I believe he became a somatic narcissist. What is haunting to me is that I believe I knew him before he created his "false self". I still love that boy. But who he became later...not the same guy. It was as if aliens abducted him and left behind a cyborg. It is still a fantasy of mine to be reunited with that boy one day.)
I started drinking and doing a lot of naive stuff. Then I joined the Army - more drinking, more naive stuff, but now in exotic locations.
I got sober in 1991 while stationed in Korea. It was the happiest time of my life. Finally, I had a self without A. And it seemed that I transferred my dependency from A. to a higher power who could handle it much better.
But I still could never establish another relationship after A. Even after I got sober, the guys I fell for were always unavailable in one way or another. Lots of settling for crumbs, or worshipping (and fantasizing) from afar. Lots of self-sufficiency...and loneliness, especially after I left my home AA group when I got out of the Army.
Fast-forward 9 years...
In 2000, I married a man whom I'd only been seeing for a year, because we had accidentally conceived a child. He wanted to get married. I didn't want to, but I married him anyway because I thought it was the right thing to do. But of course that hasn't been going too well...
Then about a year and half ago I ran into A. and the thinking, hoping, daydreaming, and torchbearing started up as though I'd never stopped. It was an escape from the problems in my marriage and in my parenting. I spent a year trying to deal with it on my own (I'm definitely the "suffering in silence" variety of torchbearer). Tried two women therapists, journaling, talking to friends. But I finally told my husband about it.
We started counseling together in December (with a guy therapist this time, because my husband said he'd be more comfortable with a guy), but after a few sessions it was clear that I'm still having problems pining for A., so I went back to individual therapy. That has been ongoing more or less weekly since January.
This therapist recommended Susan Peabody's book after our first session talking about A. That's how I found this site and realized I've been a love addict all along. It seems to me that it's always been underlying my alcoholism. This board has been a lifeline for me ever since I found it, and I'm so grateful. You all know the relief that comes from finding people who understand...
One thing that's been on my mind...the fact that my therapist is a guy makes me a little jumpy (the first two I tried were women because that's what I'm used to with AA sponsorship). I was worried about possibly developing a thing for him (he's slightly younger than me, and definitely attractive), so I ordered and read "In Session", which was recommended several times on this website. I haven't had the nerve yet to bring up the subject with him, but I've continued reading on the internet about transference. I may have positive transference, but what I find more embarrassing and difficult to talk about is that I definitely have a very distressing and powerful negative transference (not angry toward him, but depressive - taking things personally, thinking he wishes he could get rid of me, or that he's trying to get me vulnerable in order to hurt me). Lately he's been making comments that make me think he's trying to encourage transference, so I think it's time to bring it up. One website was particularly helpful in explaining the importance of transference, and how it can help tremendously if handled correctly by the therapist: www.guidetopsychology.com.
But I'm so nervous about it. Finding stories about therapists botching it up when it comes to handling a patient's transference is all too easy...I would welcome any success stories if anyone would like to share a bit of their experience.
That's about it for now...thanks for reading this.
Nicole
Growing up, fantasizing was my way of coping with life. From fourth grade on, I was teased daily at school, and learned to withdraw. A. and I both grew up in alcoholic homes (his dad, my mom). My mom took her anger out on me, his dad took it out on him. A. and I met when our parents were in treatment for alcoholism. He was my dream come true...he was my rescuer, my friend...he even referred to himself as my "knight in shining armor" the night he told me he loved me. The first couple of years seemed pretty wonderful...
But then time went on and things became not so wonderful...the pain was so bad when he changed his mind about loving me and wanting to marry me. He also started drinking, and his personality seemed to change in a way that didn't make sense. I've never been able to understand what people mean when they say "get over it." It was devastating to me, and still is.
(Side note: In the past year I've done lots of reading about narcissism. Another relief to find an explanation for something that's been inexplicable to me for so long...from what I've read, I believe he became a somatic narcissist. What is haunting to me is that I believe I knew him before he created his "false self". I still love that boy. But who he became later...not the same guy. It was as if aliens abducted him and left behind a cyborg. It is still a fantasy of mine to be reunited with that boy one day.)
I started drinking and doing a lot of naive stuff. Then I joined the Army - more drinking, more naive stuff, but now in exotic locations.
I got sober in 1991 while stationed in Korea. It was the happiest time of my life. Finally, I had a self without A. And it seemed that I transferred my dependency from A. to a higher power who could handle it much better.
But I still could never establish another relationship after A. Even after I got sober, the guys I fell for were always unavailable in one way or another. Lots of settling for crumbs, or worshipping (and fantasizing) from afar. Lots of self-sufficiency...and loneliness, especially after I left my home AA group when I got out of the Army.
Fast-forward 9 years...
In 2000, I married a man whom I'd only been seeing for a year, because we had accidentally conceived a child. He wanted to get married. I didn't want to, but I married him anyway because I thought it was the right thing to do. But of course that hasn't been going too well...
Then about a year and half ago I ran into A. and the thinking, hoping, daydreaming, and torchbearing started up as though I'd never stopped. It was an escape from the problems in my marriage and in my parenting. I spent a year trying to deal with it on my own (I'm definitely the "suffering in silence" variety of torchbearer). Tried two women therapists, journaling, talking to friends. But I finally told my husband about it.
We started counseling together in December (with a guy therapist this time, because my husband said he'd be more comfortable with a guy), but after a few sessions it was clear that I'm still having problems pining for A., so I went back to individual therapy. That has been ongoing more or less weekly since January.
This therapist recommended Susan Peabody's book after our first session talking about A. That's how I found this site and realized I've been a love addict all along. It seems to me that it's always been underlying my alcoholism. This board has been a lifeline for me ever since I found it, and I'm so grateful. You all know the relief that comes from finding people who understand...
One thing that's been on my mind...the fact that my therapist is a guy makes me a little jumpy (the first two I tried were women because that's what I'm used to with AA sponsorship). I was worried about possibly developing a thing for him (he's slightly younger than me, and definitely attractive), so I ordered and read "In Session", which was recommended several times on this website. I haven't had the nerve yet to bring up the subject with him, but I've continued reading on the internet about transference. I may have positive transference, but what I find more embarrassing and difficult to talk about is that I definitely have a very distressing and powerful negative transference (not angry toward him, but depressive - taking things personally, thinking he wishes he could get rid of me, or that he's trying to get me vulnerable in order to hurt me). Lately he's been making comments that make me think he's trying to encourage transference, so I think it's time to bring it up. One website was particularly helpful in explaining the importance of transference, and how it can help tremendously if handled correctly by the therapist: www.guidetopsychology.com.
But I'm so nervous about it. Finding stories about therapists botching it up when it comes to handling a patient's transference is all too easy...I would welcome any success stories if anyone would like to share a bit of their experience.
That's about it for now...thanks for reading this.
Nicole
...and the following week was full of more anxiety, negative transference, and almost quitting. But I'm truly at rock bottom and have nowhere else to go, and his help has been helping in other ways, and I know he has good boundaries (from reading In Session by Deborah Lott), so I went back yesterday and was honest with him again about the pain I had this week. And guess what?
) but I'm willing to go to any lengths.
