Post by nickie on Apr 14, 2009 1:22:50 GMT -8
is it is possible to consciously let go of a torch without unconsciously transferring it to a new addictive object? i'd kinda like to know the answer to that one soo, i'm trying it out.
as far as i can tell, NC without letting go of obsession, creates a torchbearer. i am NC with a resulting torch and have been examining how to use the 4th step on this. calling my torchbearing a character defect that i intend to release with god's help, i prematurely punched the 7th and 8th step at it which didn't work. soo i'm backing it up to step 4.
NC has been whipping my butt lately. i know how to be a good soldier and am committed to NC. yesterday a piece of the puzzle fell into place that may shed light on my ability to let go of my current poa torch.
i went to "the barn." a horse stable of someone i don't know brought there by a mutual friend. it was a nice small barn. there was a brand new foal. i groomed an oldster with good stable manners i.e. oldster with oldster. i watched some riding. i saw tack. i visited the hayloft. there were 3 handsome sheep and some good dogs to go along with the picture. you can call this scene nickie's torch of napalm. there is not a stronger torch operative. this torch drawfs my current poa torch. this torch has formed the balm and meaning of my life... the world of riding well.
this morning i let it all go because i realized it as a burden i can no longer bear. it occurred to me, while i'm at it, if i can do this, why not let go of current poa torch at the same time? my barn torch seems more valuable to me; bigger, older. if i can choose to let go of the barn in terms of the 4th step as a demented marriage to my past (ghostly self,) then i can the heck let of A. he is nothing compared to the barn.. at least much much smaller, a little match torch in comparison. (& yes, the little match girl was my favorite childhood story.)
ok, xpoa resurrected a distant positive recognizable bonding associated with 'the barn' but my experience with that man is worth 5 minutes of spit compared to the majestic quality of my experience as a championship equestrian.
soo, why not use this as an opportunity to let go of my torch for current poa too? thump. the first torch leaves a crater as it scorches the earth. i'm not a rider anymore. i don't have the up to date experience to be a dressage trainer to a lacking student who owns everything i'll never have again in my life. i'm too old to clean out more then one stall. sweeping the aisle wears me out. i don't have to bury the torch i just have to drop it. it will burn out itself.
here's the dailyword for today. i do not have much confidence that i can convert torch into renewable faith and trust but that is what i am aiming for as i gather all my might to close the door on the past without slamming it.
"[i]Faith[/i]
I live by faith--a faith in God that is like a bridge over troubled waters. Secure and confident, I rise in thought and act above whatever challenges may be swirling around me. I live the fullness of life.
Getting past a time of trouble is not about my knowing the details of how blessings will come to me. In faith I know with certainty that I will receive them. Living in the moment with God, I understand that change ushers in a time of newness and discovery.
Faith assures me so that I accept each change for what it is: a new beginning. This is a time for greater strengths to be realized and expressed by me, for greater blessings to flow to and from me, for greater fulfillment to be accepted and shared by me."
i'm down for the count and trying to believe this is part of the process of my necessary change. beat. i have been praying for divine intervention to provide me inner emotional balance and boundaries to manifest and be healthy interrelational love. i've gotta let go of these torches. i am no longer willing to marry myself to an eternal torch because i am strong enough to bear it. i don't wanna be strong enough for that burden anymore. i'd rather let it go, throw it out.
today, i apply myself to letting go assigning value to my torchbearing.
as far as i can tell, NC without letting go of obsession, creates a torchbearer. i am NC with a resulting torch and have been examining how to use the 4th step on this. calling my torchbearing a character defect that i intend to release with god's help, i prematurely punched the 7th and 8th step at it which didn't work. soo i'm backing it up to step 4.
NC has been whipping my butt lately. i know how to be a good soldier and am committed to NC. yesterday a piece of the puzzle fell into place that may shed light on my ability to let go of my current poa torch.
i went to "the barn." a horse stable of someone i don't know brought there by a mutual friend. it was a nice small barn. there was a brand new foal. i groomed an oldster with good stable manners i.e. oldster with oldster. i watched some riding. i saw tack. i visited the hayloft. there were 3 handsome sheep and some good dogs to go along with the picture. you can call this scene nickie's torch of napalm. there is not a stronger torch operative. this torch drawfs my current poa torch. this torch has formed the balm and meaning of my life... the world of riding well.
this morning i let it all go because i realized it as a burden i can no longer bear. it occurred to me, while i'm at it, if i can do this, why not let go of current poa torch at the same time? my barn torch seems more valuable to me; bigger, older. if i can choose to let go of the barn in terms of the 4th step as a demented marriage to my past (ghostly self,) then i can the heck let of A. he is nothing compared to the barn.. at least much much smaller, a little match torch in comparison. (& yes, the little match girl was my favorite childhood story.)
ok, xpoa resurrected a distant positive recognizable bonding associated with 'the barn' but my experience with that man is worth 5 minutes of spit compared to the majestic quality of my experience as a championship equestrian.
soo, why not use this as an opportunity to let go of my torch for current poa too? thump. the first torch leaves a crater as it scorches the earth. i'm not a rider anymore. i don't have the up to date experience to be a dressage trainer to a lacking student who owns everything i'll never have again in my life. i'm too old to clean out more then one stall. sweeping the aisle wears me out. i don't have to bury the torch i just have to drop it. it will burn out itself.
here's the dailyword for today. i do not have much confidence that i can convert torch into renewable faith and trust but that is what i am aiming for as i gather all my might to close the door on the past without slamming it.
"[i]Faith[/i]
I live by faith--a faith in God that is like a bridge over troubled waters. Secure and confident, I rise in thought and act above whatever challenges may be swirling around me. I live the fullness of life.
Getting past a time of trouble is not about my knowing the details of how blessings will come to me. In faith I know with certainty that I will receive them. Living in the moment with God, I understand that change ushers in a time of newness and discovery.
Faith assures me so that I accept each change for what it is: a new beginning. This is a time for greater strengths to be realized and expressed by me, for greater blessings to flow to and from me, for greater fulfillment to be accepted and shared by me."
i'm down for the count and trying to believe this is part of the process of my necessary change. beat. i have been praying for divine intervention to provide me inner emotional balance and boundaries to manifest and be healthy interrelational love. i've gotta let go of these torches. i am no longer willing to marry myself to an eternal torch because i am strong enough to bear it. i don't wanna be strong enough for that burden anymore. i'd rather let it go, throw it out.
today, i apply myself to letting go assigning value to my torchbearing.
