laurie13
Junior Member
"Be good to yourself, cause nobody else has the power to make you happy."
Posts: 61
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Post by laurie13 on Apr 19, 2009 8:31:24 GMT -8
I realized I don't remember most things in my life, most of my childhood and most of my first relationship - with narcissistic man that lasts for 9 years. I think this is the way to protect myself.
When I read all you stories about any kind of abuse, I am so sorry. And I am also wondering why have I become LA with such good and not abusive parents (I guess I was neglected as a child, even with good parents). It must be because:
1. I was born that way (sensitive) and all things that happened to me hurts me more than they would someone else.
2. My older brother did for years everything to low my self esteem - he was telling me all the time I am naive and ugly, he was beating me and humiliated me in front of his friends.
3. I was lonely and shy and didn't have many friends. I was alone with my minds. I must have seen to many romantic movies and listened to many love songs.
I think I became LA when I was 14 years old, when after one kiss I fantasized about this boy even he was having many girlfriends at the same time.
My first relationship (with 15) was I guess escaping from my brother. I was so in love and dependent, although now I don't know why. I made illusion about him and he was my whole world. I was hoping he would change. Now I see I escaped to the same man as my brother - man who was narcissist and abusive, at first mentally, and later also physically. In the end when I couldn't take it anymore and I was thinking of suicide as only escape, I couldn't get rid of him. And the worst thing is he was living with me and my parents in our house and told us what to do. They have been on his side because they didn't know or didn't want to know what was happening, I was afraid to tell them what's he like. I was afraid of him. I guess I am angry at them for not being there for me when they should. Our relationship ended 5 years ago when my friend saw how he chokes me and beats me and he called police.
After him I was running from one relationship to another because of fear of being alone. I haven't got any criteria. I guess I was happy with any man who's not beating me. And it's hard to recognize mentally abuse.
Few days ago I found out he was also cheating me and get so angry at myself how could I be so blind. This relationship affected my mental and psychical health, my job and money, my trust in people. I am so angry for ruining my life. I used to believe in love, and now I don't believe in anything and I'm afraid not to be able to have normal relationship ever. I hope it's just a bad day.
I think I erased from my memory a lot of things. For example I can't remember my university colleges because I was studying and finished college when I was in this 9 year-relationship.
As a love addict I was living in the fantasies and escaping from the reality. "Love" was my drug. I guess that's the reason I don't remember.
I don't know is it good to remember all of this or to forget. I will try to find my inner child and talk to it.
Although my true friends telling me I am pretty and smart, I still here those voices from my brother and from my school colleges. And it's so hard to love myself after all those years. But I am willing to try.
I'm glad I found out about my addiction and that I'm not alone. You all give me hope. Today is just a bad day and I hope I will be better soon. I hope I will find the way to find my HP and surrender to him. And that he will help me to get rid of all these bad feelings and to love myself. And to move forward.
Thank you all.
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Post by lillie on Nov 18, 2009 19:51:20 GMT -8
I don't remember my childhood either and I have never been abused by anyone unless it was something minor and subtle. I guess we need to realize that whatever the reason "why," we know we are LA's and have to do something about it NOW and that is the most important thing. I feel crazy sometimes though, cause it seems most LA's have some legit reason for being one - their family member left them or molested them, etc. I have no idea why I am the way I am, but maybe that doesn't matter if I know I need to change.
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azalea
New Member
the exercise that is the toughest to complete will help you the most
Posts: 25
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Post by azalea on Mar 20, 2010 21:27:51 GMT -8
Laurie 13,
From reading your post it sounds to me like your brother abused you during your childhood. Your parents may not have been abusive, but your brother beat you and humiliated you and that is still suffering abuse as a child. It also seems like your parents did not stop this abuse and this must have hurt you deeply.
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Tommy
New Member
Posts: 14
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Post by Tommy on Apr 10, 2010 23:47:33 GMT -8
Well I started recovery three years ago and claimed to have the "PERFECT" Childhood. Avoided mom at all cost if possible because she made me feel like stuff, that i was not good enough, nothing I did was good enough, NEVER ask for anything, wait until it is offered? Unlovable ( she was incapable of loving and nuturing) abandoned, because Brother and sister were so much older I was like only child, not planned and late in their life. Father was just not present as a father he aws my playmate, sports,fishing, ball games. anything to also avoid mom. So whats wrong with this picture? Well I make up that i spent my entire childhood trying to get my moms attention and be acknowledged, be loved, be held. Never happened. So 1st time I hear someone tell me a womanm likes me I latch on for dear life! Been searching for that for 50 years and not going to let it get away. Is she healthy? who cares? I have been noticed! Now, The never ask for anything has paralized all my relationships, daily life, and only leaves hopes for finding mind reading partners. Too tired to finish tonight. More to come
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Tommy
New Member
Posts: 14
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Post by Tommy on Apr 11, 2010 5:22:35 GMT -8
Continueing above, the inability to ask for anything, I can now remember as a child being told and scolded for asking If I could have a cookie off a plate of Christmas cookies at a neighbors when the plate was put out for people to help themselves. What did i get from that? Never ask, wait until you are offered and i am not as good as others that do help themselves to the cookie?? My therapist suggested the other day that I should tell my son that I want to be more a part of his and my grandaughters life. She looked at me and said OMG you really cant do it can you. I was allready shaking inside just thinking that I would have to ask my son if I could get closer to them. Sad thing is I know he would be happy to have me ask and would open his arms to me but I feel that I may be making him do something that he did not ask from me. Thats sick!That was last wednesday and I still am trying to muster up the courage. Whats worse, i have been an employer all my life. It is hard to find all mind reading or self performing employees. I do not think i have ever been in any type of loving relationship that I did not over give and expect more in return than was there do to these things I learned as the way life is suspossed to be as a young child. Untill a few months ago i did not even doubt that these beliefs could be not quite right much less wrong. So what does it all equate to? insanity! over and over again with the same bad results. no wonder it makes people use things to change the way they feel! Thanks, Tommy
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Post by Loving My Life on Nov 13, 2011 17:25:53 GMT -8
welcome onelife, we are all glad your here. can you go to the newcomers thread on the home tab and post your story? how you got here and what your recovery plans is?
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Post by looking4direction on Dec 11, 2011 22:46:56 GMT -8
thanks for your story.
It broke my heart, hearing about that cookie thing. Tears came to my eyes.
I learned the same thing: Never ask!
So I learned to hint.
Or just not say anything and then resent.
I am just now learning how to ask for things and to ask "naive questions".
Ohhhh...
feel for ya.
thanks so much.
Carol
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Post by looking4direction on Dec 11, 2011 22:48:53 GMT -8
oops, sorry, I addressed the wrong person.
But it was the part that got my attention; I could not help myself.
Verbal abuse and emotional abuse are very powerful and sometimes it's really hard to get over.
I guess my point is that.
I am affect by, and recovering from, that, verbal abuse, more than the other forms of the abuse I went thru.
Carol
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