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Post by recoverlucy on May 3, 2009 14:29:03 GMT -8
I know I have issues from my childhood and this is what led me into a love addiciton / avoidence cycle. I just don't know how to overcome these issues. I have recently broken up with my boyfriend of 2 years - I realized that I was the love addict and he the love avoidant. Needless to say, I feel pretty empty and have no idea where to focus my energies. People say, "focus on yourself" but I don't know what to do with that. My life is pretty empty. I have a few friends I see. I have my job but it is mostly working from home and I don't know what to do with myself!! I focused all my energy on my relationship and now that it is over, I don't know what to do!
I was neglected when I was a child. I am the youngest of 4 and my parents were so caught up in their own problems that I wasn't noticed. My father was sick and was diagnosed with dementia when I was 10. He was basically fully incoherent by the time I was 12. My mother was in and out of severe depression for as long as I can remember and she was depressed for the majority of my childhood. She would say things to me like, I wish "I never had children" and "I want to die" to me even when I was just a little girl. I still carry anger towards her for abandoning me. My brother, who also suffered this neglect ended up being a drug addict. My sisters who were 6 and 9 years older than me grew up in a completely different family environment when my parents were healthy. They are both married with kids and are pretty much stable and successful.
Although I am aware of all these issues, I don't know what to do in order to heal. I mean - I write, I read, I talk with others but I don't see how any of my problems are getting better! Can anyone out there relate? Can anyone offer any advice?
Thanks for reading!
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Post by Susan Peabody on May 3, 2009 14:44:31 GMT -8
You must change how to act and think. I lay this all out in my book. It was written for people who get stuck in the recovery process. You will never completely heal IMO. You will get better. The symptoms of your disorders will dissipate slowly. For instance you will act out less often or be depressed less often. But it is progress not perfection as they say in A.A. Go back and look at your 4th step inventory and I am sure you will see some progress. I remember in early recovery not feeling as if I had made progress. Then someone at a support group asked me to tell my story. I was amazed at how far I had come. Overcoming childhood trauma is the hardest. Loving and nurturing your inner child everyday is the key. You can't just start with her and then move on. She is with you always and in need of constant attention. The key is to give it to her yourself. Lately people have been criticizing me for not being nurturing enough with them, but it is up to us to nurture ourselves. That is the key to true recovery. Nurturing from others is nice. It is a gift. But we cannot demand it or expect it. Don't let this discourage you. We all have good days and bad days. |
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Post by judy on May 3, 2009 14:52:37 GMT -8
Hi recoverylucy - So many of us have experienced that same type of neglect. Yes, it is debilitating and seems to affect us throughout our whole lives.
Do you see a therapist? Have you ever attended 12 step meetings in any group. Although your parents may not have been alchoholics I think you could gain a lot from Adult Children of Alchoholic meetings. Or Alanon. Or Coda (co-dependents). You would get a feeling of how the 12 step programs help us deal with relationship issues. Alanon helped me quite a bit.
I developed so many skewed coping mechanisms growing up because of the lack of attention and nurture. And a warpred belief system. I was never able to live up to the values I believed in. I understand now that I just did not have the strength of character. I had to use all my energy just to survive. I had no self esteem and didn't have a CLUE about how to take care of myself in a romantic relationship.
Recovery will not happen overnight. So relax. Read everything on these boards and check out some books. Read through the 12 step threads on this site.
It's a one day at a time program. You would not be able to handle all of the issues you need to deal with all at once.
Hang in there! It DOES get better.
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laurie13
Junior Member
"Be good to yourself, cause nobody else has the power to make you happy."
Posts: 61
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Post by laurie13 on May 4, 2009 5:14:47 GMT -8
I can relate to that, I know how you are feeling.
I have been focusing on relationships since I was 15, and now I'm finally learning how to be alone.
You have all the time in the world for yourself. Read books about love addiction, about self esteem, come here and you'll know what to do. Just be patient and you will get better.
I wish you all the best.
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maria
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Post by maria on May 4, 2009 20:17:59 GMT -8
Recoverlucy, Isolation can make recovery harder. YMCA/gym classes, yoga classes, church/temple groups, 12 step meetings (get numbers and call), safe neighborhood walking...
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Post by reinventmyself on Jun 7, 2009 7:35:02 GMT -8
Lucy,
I too can relate to the childhood neglect. Formative years in a foreign country, few friends, traveling unfaithful father, withdrawn mother. I didn't realize this until recently. It helps to have shared my story with my Mother and she validated my experiences and apologized. .Many tears and a few years later, she tries. I can still see how trying to connect with her is difficult. She is so closed and always has been.
My father passed away after battling Alzheimers 2 yrs ago. I can't imagine what your life was like with a parent with early onset dementia <hugs> to you!
To hear Susan say we never totally recover gives me some sort of weird comfort. I struggle to be whole and get frusterated that I can't get over that`hump'. Maybe I can cut myself some slack knowing that each milestone is a victory and not strive for total completion.
Therapy has helped so much. I am back again. . doing all the family of origin stuff is tedious. I am so resistant to it having been there a few times before. << shaking my head>> I need to rethink my ultimate goal.
Great advise about getting out and not isolating. Just not there yet. . But it's on my list!!!
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gordana
Full Member
Newcomers Greeter
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Post by gordana on Jul 11, 2009 10:12:56 GMT -8
I can relate to the frustration of never healing completely. I have been i and out of tharapy for 22 years. Every time I thin this is the last time. But it is all so complicated. My father and my brother were alcoholics and I lived at home until Iwas 30 years old. I am now 52.
Looig bac I have made a lot of progress, but with every new obsticle I feel helpess and tired of doing the history wor again. And then I move on, stronger more sober each time. Does anyoe have any comments? Than you.
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Post by judy on Jul 11, 2009 10:24:37 GMT -8
Hi gordana - Comments? I have the same history as you more or less. I have been recovering in the 12 step programs for 27 years with some therapy in there too.
In my case the issues never go away. They abate. I gain more and more understanding of my make up, my modus operandi, my defects of character, I disagreeets. Then I try to work on making it all work for the good.
I am successful in the attempt. I am not always successful in the outcome.
I don't think it ever comes to an end. I mean the agony of addiction ends if you surrender. But the day to day trials and tribulations and how I successfully or unsuccessfully handle them - that's a day at a time.
Like Sue said - there are good days, there are bad days.
Thank God for program.
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Post by presence on Jul 21, 2009 18:13:39 GMT -8
Recognition and acceptance of your issues can lead to recognizing your own stuff sooner which means making corrections sooner. Determination for some symptoms to be gone can actually wind up being a determination to not-seeing your own stuff...until its a little or a lot late. Surprising yourself negatively = discouragement and wanting to isolate = opposite of recovery.
I struggle with this all the time. I want to make myself a list or something ....I used to feel like I was re-learning the same things over and over again. Now I feel like I'm recognizing things faster---some of the SAME OLE things but I'm quicker.
Some months/years are better than others. I've changed jobs recently and that will change the social circle a little along with the deliberate changes I've already made. I'm just trying to float and see what comes. I'm not feeling all that successful lately. But I'm still here. I'm meeting new people that I'm mostly comfortable with.
Presence
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gordana
Full Member
Newcomers Greeter
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Post by gordana on Oct 19, 2009 7:22:17 GMT -8
Hi everyone reading here
I just had a thought
Could it be that the recovery in itself is our purpose in life now. This has become my life. My daily activities include coming to the board, sharing by posting, i am on step 4,
I journal, everyday, befor I go to bed, I pray, every night, before going to bed, also. I walk to work and talk to God.
Those are my activities, things that fill me up. This past weekend I felt very sad, and lonely, and the work I did on myself filled me up. I came to this board, did more work on the steps, posted read. I wrote to God, walked. I felt better. I woke up more.
Its about waking up. Its a journey, not a destination. This is our success. Being on the journey of recovery.
Take care of yourselves
gordana
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Post by lotus on Oct 19, 2009 8:13:12 GMT -8
Gosh, I hear what you are saying, gordana. I realized the other day that I spend about 20 hours a week doing recovery work. I agree about the process "filling you up". It's funny because I have more enthusiasm for my recovery process than for my graduate school work. It is ok with me, though, because I can't do anything else in life unless I have recovery.
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Post by reinventmyself on Oct 19, 2009 11:47:33 GMT -8
My struggles too are a symptom of neglect. Though my family dynamics were subtle by nature but very neglectful non-the-less. Maybe that's what's made it harder to recognize. Not overly obvious like some of the stories shared here.
I am finally beginning to catch myself when I am triggered. I can recognize the little girl in me reacting. I am always learning how my coping mechinisms have gotten me into to trouble and how I have focused too much on relationships. It's a struggle to commit to being alone. It's what I need to do for now and maybe for the duration.
I do socialize with friends and engage in activities. . trying to strike a balance and make certain I am not in run-away-mode.
Much like AA. . it's a life long committment for most.
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Post by Susan Peabody on Oct 19, 2009 15:58:08 GMT -8
Yes! Studies show that 12th step work keeps us in long-term recovery. |
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Post by Angel on Oct 19, 2009 22:00:36 GMT -8
Dear Gordana,
I realised as I was reading the BB of AA that we are in recovery for life. We cannot fool ourselves and we really OWE it to ourselves to stay in the program. I am just glad that I finally found a 12 step program that I can relate to so well. According to the BB we get our greatest recovery through 12 stepping other people. I am reading about how the early AA did this and wondering how to apply it to my LAA and where I am here.
I don't see Susan's statement "yes! Studies show that 12th step work keeps us in long-term recovery" as a bad thing at all. Think of all the good that could be done in the world if we knew how to love and be loved in return!
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Post by Rick Faith on Apr 20, 2010 19:57:52 GMT -8
Makes me wonder if a group called Inner Child Anonymous would work for us? I mean if there was a group called that. Get right to the core. Just a thought.
I was battered and beaten so much and ridiculed so much...thought I was naive and ugly and clumsy and dumb and wierd looking and acting and talking...and would not be able to make snetcnes lots of times cause was so scared of saying the wrong thing.
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Post by soleil marie on Nov 5, 2010 22:59:09 GMT -8
Hi Rick, I just joined last night. I still haven't posted my story yet. Trying to get a feel how this all works. I so agree with you. I also believe that an Inner Child group would be a great idea. I become very nervous at times even with my therapist because I'm so afraid I'm going to say it all wrong. It's the worst feeling. All the words flow so nicely in my head and then I open my mouth....  |
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Post by torchiere on Jan 12, 2011 14:05:59 GMT -8
I can certainly relate to this. The level of neglect and abuse that my sister and I suffered would have been enough to have us taken away by Social Services in today's society, but back in the 1960's/1970's, there was very little to protect us. The things I've had to learn in therapy and in recovery are:
How to determine if I'm being taken advantage of
How to defend myself
How to cope with bad situations/feelings
How to trust other people
How to ask people for help
I was so emotionally numb, and so unable to respond appropriately to bad treatment, that I felt like therapy and recovery had to re-animate my cold, dead, abused self and teach me how to live. Activating my feelings was painful and overwhelming at first, but then I realized that my feelings were the only real indicator of whether I was in a bad relationship.
Getting tools to help me understand and manage my feelings and listen to my gut has gone a long way towards helping me steer away from bad situations and bad people, and its taught me how to take care of myself.
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Post by lovingmenow on Feb 1, 2011 15:04:40 GMT -8
Hi,
I am new to this site. I joined AA many years ago but I have suffered with love addiction I believe because of my neglect. Where should I begin to get help with my problem of feeling neglected and rejected.
Please help.
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Post by LovelyJune on Feb 2, 2011 3:22:23 GMT -8
Hi lovingmenow. You've come to the right place! There are many resources here that can help you in the"recommended reading" section. Also, I've posted a list of essential books for love addicts on my blog: l0velyjune.wordpress.com/books/ Educating yourself and sharing your story are two very powerful tools to healing. Welcome! |
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Post by tizzy on Mar 22, 2011 5:26:18 GMT -8
torchiere, your post is an inspiration. Those things you listed that you learned from therapy and recovery are all things I'm striving to learn for myself. Your post made me feel very positive about all of this.
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Post by tizzy on Mar 22, 2011 5:27:12 GMT -8
torchiere, what in particular helped the most with learning how to do the things you listed? is there any specific book or reading you can recommend that helped you, or was it talking with your therapist?
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neo
Junior Member
Posts: 57
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Post by neo on Jul 25, 2011 20:44:15 GMT -8
Study the Enneagram for your type to give you something interesting to do.
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Post by mamagreeneyes on Dec 19, 2011 10:13:48 GMT -8
I was neglected and abandoned when I was a child so I know what you went through and are going through. My father left when I was an infant, and my mom worked all the time and didn't give much attention to me. I've never really faced it, and it has taken its effect. So how you face it, I don't know. I just know I feel sick to my stomach when I try to face it. I think of being alone every day for years with my sister, which the other one that was taking care of my sister and I was hardly ever home. I remember crying for my mom, but nobody answered. After awhile I guess I grew numb to it. I don't think my mom even thinks of the toll it has on a child, let alone the adult she grew up in, and the effect it has on my own little family. My husband said it best: You don't know how to be a mom because yours wasn't around. I try not to be so clingy on him, sometimes I push them (him and my daughter) away, but I think I give them enough attention. But I battle with the fear of being abandoned when he leaves without telling me where he is going.
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Post by Loving My Life on Dec 19, 2011 15:29:56 GMT -8
welcome mamagreeneyes, we are all glad your here. Can you go to the newcomers thread under the home tab and post your story, how you got here, and what your goals are? you will find alot of knowledge & support here. keep coming back.
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Post by requin on Jul 20, 2014 22:12:55 GMT -8
Dredging up an old thread here, to say that my oh so perfect (so I thought) bf, only lasted a year before unceremoniously dumping me...totally out of the blue ..but of course he must have been planning it for some time. Had me fooled he did; I thought things were fine and I was as in love as the day we met. Obviously not so for him.
It's been 7 weeks and I have spent that time alternating between wanting to go NC (and usually failing, the most I went was 10 days) and trying to maintain contact in attempts to talk about why or just hang out and try to keep my foot in the door w/ him. I'm mostly in denial, I cannot believe, fathom, or accept that we are actually done. I'm raging against my inability to control this, and my inability to just get at him (via text, phone, in person) whenever I want, like we used to. I'm obsessed and raging and completely shattered and lost and feel I have no future, no nothing anymore. I have never been through such hell. I know I need to "let go" but I don't have a higher power I feel I can trust, so I'm petrified to let go.
And the abandonment!!! I manage to get through days w/ various levels of success, some really bad, some pretty good, but bedtime...I cannot sleep, it's 2am now and I'm up...I go to bed and the abandonment kicks in and I SOB, wail, so deep and hard from my innermost heart and it actually hurts in my midsection I cry so hard. There's something about abandonment crying..it really does feel like being an infant again (not that I can remember that), but imagine how a baby or young child feels when she thinks she has been abandoned--utter and complete terror and fear. That's how I cry when the abandonment kicks in. And sometimes I even gasp for breath like I'm in a panicky state. It's horrifying to feel and watch myself going through this!
That's how I feel, almost every single night, and sometimes out of nowhere it just hits when I'm driving, or at work, or at a store, or anything.
How do I cope w/ this? What can I do? I am seeing a social worker through a program at work, but he's not trained enough for things like this. I think I have to find a therapist. I feel I will not survive this...really. I'm 52, this guy said he wasn't leaving, we'd be together the rest of our lives, I wanted the same thing, but his emotions, it turns out, are shallow, superficial, artificial. He ropes a woman in, saying she's the love of his life (and he believes it) but sooner rather than later, ,the veil lifts and he sees her for who she is, a flawed human being, not some fairy princess, and then he's done, w/ no remorse, no sadness, no feelings at all. Just goes on w/ his busy day and meanwhile I am gutted, broken, lost, empty, and falling apart to the point of wondering if I even want to continue on anymore.
I need help. I don't know what to do. I feel like such a failure, and hate myself for that. I hate myself for giving myself to him fully; for not seeing the signs of a love avoidant! But mostly I hate what he has done, I didn't see it coming and he wont even talk about it. He spends time w/ me on occasion but it's superficial. I think he thinks we are "friends" now. No, I won't be friends. I want him back. It's not working, and I need to go NC, and that scares the hell out of me too.
Gah.
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Post by Jacarandagirl on Jul 21, 2014 5:03:54 GMT -8
Oh requin, I know how hard it is, where you are now. My friend told me when I was really freaking out to lie on my bed and put my hand on my stomach and breathe into it. Let the feelings be there. breathe into your hand. Nurture and comfort and heal yourself, by letting your feelings be felt. It is the wounded child. There's no shortcut around it, and hopefully you have no choice but to go there. Because when we can face this stuff in ourselves we begin to really find us.
Take care and so sorry to hear you are hurting. But it's really a good thing, pain is our teacher until we can learn it's lesson. We (innocently) cause the hurt we continue to feel.
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Post by Summer_Azure on Oct 12, 2014 12:45:58 GMT -8
Dredging up an old thread here, to say that my oh so perfect (so I thought) bf, only lasted a year before unceremoniously dumping me...totally out of the blue ..but of course he must have been planning it for some time. Had me fooled he did; I thought things were fine and I was as in love as the day we met. Obviously not so for him. It's been 7 weeks and I have spent that time alternating between wanting to go NC (and usually failing, the most I went was 10 days) and trying to maintain contact in attempts to talk about why or just hang out and try to keep my foot in the door w/ him. I'm mostly in denial, I cannot believe, fathom, or accept that we are actually done. I'm raging against my inability to control this, and my inability to just get at him (via text, phone, in person) whenever I want, like we used to. I'm obsessed and raging and completely shattered and lost and feel I have no future, no nothing anymore. I have never been through such hell. I know I need to "let go" but I don't have a higher power I feel I can trust, so I'm petrified to let go. And the abandonment!!! I manage to get through days w/ various levels of success, some really bad, some pretty good, but bedtime...I cannot sleep, it's 2am now and I'm up...I go to bed and the abandonment kicks in and I SOB, wail, so deep and hard from my innermost heart and it actually hurts in my midsection I cry so hard. There's something about abandonment crying..it really does feel like being an infant again (not that I can remember that), but imagine how a baby or young child feels when she thinks she has been abandoned--utter and complete terror and fear. That's how I cry when the abandonment kicks in. And sometimes I even gasp for breath like I'm in a panicky state. It's horrifying to feel and watch myself going through this! That's how I feel, almost every single night, and sometimes out of nowhere it just hits when I'm driving, or at work, or at a store, or anything. How do I cope w/ this? What can I do? I am seeing a social worker through a program at work, but he's not trained enough for things like this. I think I have to find a therapist. I feel I will not survive this...really. I'm 52, this guy said he wasn't leaving, we'd be together the rest of our lives, I wanted the same thing, but his emotions, it turns out, are shallow, superficial, artificial. He ropes a woman in, saying she's the love of his life (and he believes it) but sooner rather than later, ,the veil lifts and he sees her for who she is, a flawed human being, not some fairy princess, and then he's done, w/ no remorse, no sadness, no feelings at all. Just goes on w/ his busy day and meanwhile I am gutted, broken, lost, empty, and falling apart to the point of wondering if I even want to continue on anymore. I need help. I don't know what to do. I feel like such a failure, and hate myself for that. I hate myself for giving myself to him fully; for not seeing the signs of a love avoidant! But mostly I hate what he has done, I didn't see it coming and he wont even talk about it. He spends time w/ me on occasion but it's superficial. I think he thinks we are "friends" now. No, I won't be friends. I want him back. It's not working, and I need to go NC, and that scares the hell out of me too. Gah. |
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Post by Namaste6 on Jan 16, 2015 11:33:55 GMT -8
i was severely abused,neglected beaten black and blue by my alcoholic father. the condition in our house was dark, dangerous my father used to force sex on my mother.
he used to lie naked and drunk many times
he used to walk around the road in underwear
he was severely crazy.
i was also crazy and i am crazy
but i want to heal
and want to get away from my love addictions
but the pattern is hard to break.
please guide
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Post by Havefaith on Jan 16, 2015 15:54:20 GMT -8
Yes, the pattern IS hard to break. And I have also had a chaotic upbringing, rife with drama and covert incest.
I have been able to break the pattern by following a spiritual solution. It is the one thing (the ONLY thing) that is finally having an impact on me and moving me towards healing. I have read every self-help book one could think of, and many are excellent. But "Soul Rape" by Heyward Bruce Ewart gave me (gives me) a guide towards spiritual healing that is soothing to my soul and is guiding me towards peace. One day at a time. I am also seeking out a therapist who can guide me in my spiritual journey (via the Holy Trinity). This is what guides me and I am grateful.
HaveFaith
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Post by LovelyJune on Feb 13, 2015 12:37:31 GMT -8
namaste6, I hope you're still out there! I too had a very chaotic childhood and continued to repeat patterns of love addiction throughout my life. I too had read everysinglestinking self-help-book and I was still the same, still repeating the same ol problems, UNTIL I got up and took ACTION toward something new and different. Imagine if your whole life you read books about space flight, and then one day, 30 years later, you ACTUALLY got on a space shuttle and made it into space. While reading and learning certainly educates, it isn't until you take action and change your behavior that makes the difference. But what behavior to change? Where to begin? I say, begin with your values. What are the things in this world that are so important to you that you cannot be happy and live a full life without them? Don't say "love" or "a partner." You need to be far more specific. Read more here to find out how to make your list... thelovelyaddict.com/2010/01/10/what-are-values/ |
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