Post by mytwoangels2007 on May 7, 2009 5:30:12 GMT -8
From all that I have read on this forum, I agree that self esteem has very much to do with LA. I know exactly what my problem is. Growing up, my mother was very hard on me. I wasn't pretty enough, I was overweight, I could do nothing right, when I got an A on a test, she would ask me why I didn't get an A+! My father was my rock. He was the most wonderful father a person could ask for. My brother and I just worshipped him. Sadly, he died in 2000. I got married at age 23, I think mostly just to get a away from my mother. I mean I love my husband and he is wonderful to me but I didn't really live life as I had wanted because I just wanted to get away from her. Well, when my dad died, my mom moved in with us. It is part of my culture that we take care of our parents when they are old or widowed. So at the age of 37 now, I have only lived without her in my house for 5 years. She is still very hard on me and treats me like I am 12 years old in a house that my husband and I work very hard to pay for. I have no way out of taking care of her because I promised my dad on his deathbed that I would. But she DESTROYS my self esteem EVERY single day. She is the reason I have had affairs. She is the reason I feel like a piece of c^$p that no one would want. I am so angry at her yet feel like I can't do anything about it. But I know she is one of the major factors standing in the way of my recovery.
This is a very complicated situation and, in my opinion, should be addressed by a professional. You need more than a few 'suggestions' to deal with the complexities of your feelings. This goes to the core of your being. I would strongly suggest professional guidance.
I don't think anyone can take away one's self-esteem. One can give it away, but no one can take it. It's yours, and you must own it if you are ever going to find peace.
It sounds like your mother is verbally abusive. When you were a child being verbally abused by her, that eroded your self-esteem because as a child you just don't know how to process that kind of cruelty. So I'm sure you grew up with self-esteem issues because of that. But now that you are an adult, you are responsible for your self-esteem. Your mom will probably always have somewhat of a toxic effect on you, and you will want to wither up and die when she gets abusive, but you need to learn strategies that will help you deal with her if you are going to continue to live under the same roof. It IS very difficult to heal from abuse when you are still in it, but there are strategies. A big one is seeing her for the hurting person that she is--she was probably abused herself as a child (of course, this does not excuse her behavior). Once you see that she is acting out of her own childhood trauma, you can begin to detach. You can see that the cruel things she says to you really aren't about you--they are about her own issues. A second one is setting boundaries with her. There are many excellent books out there, like Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend.
HaveFaith is right, there are many levels to your situation and strategies you need to learn to cope with what you are going through, and seeing a professional would be very helpful. If you can't afford therapy, maybe you can find a Coda group in your area. Also, working the 12 Steps on this board is free and would help you, too.
Good luck and keep posting! I'm glad you are here.
Post by mytwoangels2007 on May 7, 2009 21:08:05 GMT -8
Thank you very much for your replies. I am seeing a professional and have been for awhile. However, the fact that she lives with me even stumps the shrink as she knows there is not much I can say to my mom without throwing the entire family into upheaval. I have a special needs child that is very attached to her so I cannot exactly throw her out. But I do like setfree's comments that "I own my self esteem." You are so right. I can only let her do what I allow her to do!! Thank you!!
Post by dawnbelieves on May 27, 2009 4:57:48 GMT -8
You really have to do what is best for you. I know you say that you have a child that is attached to her but your child having a happy healthy mom is way more important. I can't give you any serious advice because I don't know the details of your situation. Just remember that you dad sees and understands what is happpening now and would not want you in pain. And you are important. Your recovery is important. YOu have to put it first. Be Blessed, ~dawn~!
"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God." 2 Corinthians 1:3-4
as hard as it is to take reasponsability in a situation like this , its is key to your recovery. Im not sure any halth professional should tell you they are 'stumped'. Thats not cool , you CAN change this.
Obviously your mum has done this for a long long long time. Im not suggesting that its easy to change, but i promise you you can.
In the end you are reasponsible for how you feel, you are reasponsible for the way you act ( eg having affairs) , her words can only hurt you if you beliv them and let them. Yes I think she is the crux of your self esteem, you says it you belive it.
But I can tell you now NOTHING SHE SAYS THAT IS HURTFUL TO YOU IS TRUE. It doesnt belong to you , it nothing to do with you, they are HER words and a reflection of HER own insecurities etc. When she speaks visulise her anger and hurt floating across the romm, make a choice to not accept it, let it go.
easy for me to say i know, but this is the beginning, change your reactions to her words and you will find yourself healing.
You are in charge and you can do this.
I suggest oyu read eckhart toll ' a new earth' or 'the power of now' keep posting, your doing great.
I really feel for you. I'm in a similar situation. My mother who has a mental illness lives with me. I'm her caretaker. It's so difficult to let go of childhood issues when the parent is right there. I feel like I can't grow because she is so codependant and follows me around. My therapist suggested putting her in a facility, but my mother is "well" at times and very capable of making her wishes known. She wants to live with me, because she feels she is unable to live alone.
I know in your situation you are still being verbally abused. I do feel that you will have to find some kind of boundaries and be VERY aware of what she is doing that is affecting you. Because you cannot control her you have to REALLY take care of yourself. I'm struggling with this, too.
mytwo i also understand your situation. in my culture we take care of our arents, too, and they in turn hel us. my mother hels me with housework and i get emotionally sick when she comes over. she is very critical, and controlling. she does and says things to me as if i am 10 years old.i have done things ust to rebel against her and i still do that.