Post by frost on May 7, 2009 12:42:36 GMT -8
Thinking about self-esteem today.
After I got divorced my self esteem was really at a low. Divorce does that, but I think doubly so for me because I hurt my ex wife and made her life miserable, my addiction, my narcissism and emotional dependency... I was really hard to live with.
I realized that I lied a lot to my ex wife. I was walled off emotionally and never knew the real me - i certainly was not able to share the real me with her. I also determined that if I ever get into another relationship I am going to be honest. There can be no intimacy without honesty. I never want to be dishonest
I walked around thinking that the real me was not someone that a woman would want to get hooked up with. My POA and I started out as friends in a support group, but even then - I think my codependency and neediness was in play. When she expressed feelings for me I just was elated. It was like she shattered this curse I thought I had, she gave me hope, and then there was also the aspect that this really attractive woman... likes ME !
I have been cutting back on contact with her and I have been suffering.
I am feeling lonely. And I have visited dating sites, which I know is not good for me. I think I can go to those sites and get some comfort, that maybe there is hope for me to find companionship and find happiness. But as soon as I start to think about possibly dating I do think that - given my past, telling someone about all the crazy stuff in my past - it is going to make them run for the hills. And that I was really fortunate to find my POA - someone I told everything to and she accepted me and doesn't reject me. In fact she loves me.
I think this whole feeling is tied into the dynamic of my low self-esteem and believing that I won't be able to be in a relationship except with my POA.
After I got divorced my self esteem was really at a low. Divorce does that, but I think doubly so for me because I hurt my ex wife and made her life miserable, my addiction, my narcissism and emotional dependency... I was really hard to live with.
I realized that I lied a lot to my ex wife. I was walled off emotionally and never knew the real me - i certainly was not able to share the real me with her. I also determined that if I ever get into another relationship I am going to be honest. There can be no intimacy without honesty. I never want to be dishonest
I walked around thinking that the real me was not someone that a woman would want to get hooked up with. My POA and I started out as friends in a support group, but even then - I think my codependency and neediness was in play. When she expressed feelings for me I just was elated. It was like she shattered this curse I thought I had, she gave me hope, and then there was also the aspect that this really attractive woman... likes ME !
I have been cutting back on contact with her and I have been suffering.
I am feeling lonely. And I have visited dating sites, which I know is not good for me. I think I can go to those sites and get some comfort, that maybe there is hope for me to find companionship and find happiness. But as soon as I start to think about possibly dating I do think that - given my past, telling someone about all the crazy stuff in my past - it is going to make them run for the hills. And that I was really fortunate to find my POA - someone I told everything to and she accepted me and doesn't reject me. In fact she loves me.
I think this whole feeling is tied into the dynamic of my low self-esteem and believing that I won't be able to be in a relationship except with my POA.
