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Post by dawnbelieves on May 20, 2009 8:57:55 GMT -8
I basically try to control all my circumstances but God comes in and makes chagnes in my life from time to time when I think "I got it all under control." I also try to control my feelings and in turn I allow my feeling to control me. I have to give my life to God and not to my feelings. I deny the pain that many friends and family members have caused me. I also tend to deny my addiction when it goes to be to much. I need to remember that when it gets to be to much that is when God takes over. It is not when I need to go into denial and give in to my addiction . I must give it to God because I am very much so powerless.
Food and money...the two things I have started turning to when times get tough. I can feel God calling me. I know to turn to Him and it is painful not to. I have got to make a pledge that from this day forward I will turn to God. I gave up smoking and sex only to turn toward food and money (eating and shoping...gaining weight and going into debt). I have got to quit this cycle.
It used to be going form man to man but I have gotten away from that. I have been "sober" from that since February 4, 2009. But now I eat. I am gaining and losing and gaining and losing. I HATE IT! I started at 140...went to 172...back down to 136,,,now back to 158. I would love to be able to e control this but I can't. I just seem to go from one addiction to the other. If I give in and start my old LA patterns again I bet I could get to 145 and stay there. Add smoking and old LA patterns and I bet I could stay at 135. So...I have to get this under control but I can't. I am 100% completely and totally powerless aginast it. I have to lean on God to be able to do anything.
"Troubles without number surround me; my sins have overtaken me, and I cannot see. They are more than the hairs of my head, and my heart fails within me." Psalm 40:12
Geez, how can on not relate to this . I mean...I struggle everyday with so much; greed, envy, cigarettes, love and relationship addiction, sex and fantasies, eating/food, anger, fustration, and procrastination. I mean, It can be very overwelming. There is nothing we can do but admit we are powerless and give it ALL to God. Our entire life. We can leave nothing out! Why is that so much harder than it sounds?
Be Blessed,
~Dawn~
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Post by asianaries on May 20, 2009 11:00:03 GMT -8
...."I am gaining and losing and gaining and losing. I HATE IT! I started at 140...went to 172...back down to 136,,,now back to 158. I would love to be able to e control this but I can't. I just seem to go from one addiction to the other. If I give in and start my old LA patterns again I bet I could get to 145 and stay there. "....Hmm, craziness that's me too  . I could never explain this to people, I REALLY do gain a lot of weight when I am over my poa. I even tell myself if I have him in my life..then I will lose all this weight AND I DID!! I was using him like my "diet pill" or something that caused me to be nauseous after word. I was starting to have side effects after those diet pills wore off....if you know what I'm saying?? Since I lost him again, my biggest fear is gaining weight as ridiculous as it sounds because I know my mind & body so well. Thanks for posting this! At least someone gets me ...when it comes down to this aspect.
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dearprudence
New Member
The sky is blue, it's beautiful and so are you.
Posts: 35
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Post by dearprudence on May 20, 2009 17:34:58 GMT -8
Dawn, that was really amazing. Thank you so much for sharing this with us! I have been having a hard time too, and yes it is true. It's much much much harder than it sounds. We all must give into God, and admit we are powerless. And we ARE. I know I am surely enough. I will pray for you and your struggle. I am a little embarassed to say this myself, but I just had some good amount of ice cream before looking at this forum. Yes, and it was because of my POA.  I admit I am powerless! I ADMIT! And how it makes me feel better when I say that, because instead of holding it back I let it all out.  |
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Post by presence on May 21, 2009 12:29:07 GMT -8
"I also try to control my feelings and in turn I allow my feeling to control me."
I am almost always in the try to control the feeling mode--or disappointed I'm not doing it successfully. My struggle is to let my feelings be what they are without always trying to judge them or stuff them back into a more "successful" form. Therapist so right about this.
But they only feel like they are controlling me at the extreme end...when I fail to control them. I think that means I'm just judging them all the time--there has to be space between these two places. I tend to get depressed or numb because I feel like I'm failing at something when I'm lonely...and loneliness is part of life. Its just not supposed to be as large a part of life as I've allowed it to become.
I had to give up the spending money addiction (as a substitute for a full life)....no money. But I have a closet full of clothes to bear witness.
Food? I've been a little out of control this week....but over the last few years I've changed my eating to honor what my body is feeling. A nutritionist helped me with this.....and it was along the same lines as what my therapist was helping me with....learning to recognize what I'm feeling.
I eat when I'm hungry. I eat until I'm satiated not full. I try to keep my blood sugar even---I know what that feels like now.(headache, sweating if it gets bad) If I eat a meal that's 400 calories and it lasted 2 hours than I need to eat different food so that that meal lasts four hours--I'm not at the number weight I want to be at, but I'm healthy and look pretty good. I'd like to look better, thinner but I get headaches bad as I try to get below where I am right now. It may not happen.
If I could get this level of acceptance in all areas of my life---WOW
I turned over my body, school issues, and finding a job (after less than 2 months of searching) to God and things have worked out relatively easily for me....It just didn't feel easy during the times I was worried. I worried MUCH LESS than I have in the past but I still made life a little harder on myself than it needed to be.
And if God is helping me when I definitely haven't earned his help--when I've probably earned His abandoning me instead-- then He's there in my struggle to find fulfillment of some sort in this life....to feel love, be loving despite love addiction.
It's hard to keep hold of that belief despite all He's done for me. Its always hard to believe He wants to help me for some reason. Its hard to pray. Anyway... This month it seems like the lesson I need to learn is to trust my own instincts and say "no" to friends and dates---without SOOOO much angst.
Now, I think I need to let go of the picture I have of a perfect life. I guess I get to mourn the death of the dream but I can't do that forever either. Can I let God show me what my best life looks like? Can I still have strong desires that don't turn into demands?
I don't know what's next. I'm scared its more of the same though
Presence
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Post by dawnbelieves on May 22, 2009 5:03:23 GMT -8
Anianaries - I hate that you go throuh the same thing I do with my weight but I have to admit that I am glad there is someone else. It is really crazy. And you are right. When I am with my poa it is just like a diet pill. The weight is gone. Then when i am in "recovery" the weight comes right back. It is crazy. I just started weight watchers today. I am hoping that this time I can stay away from my poa and lose the weight. I am praying!
DearPrudence: Amen! It does make you feel better when you can say it and really feel it and mean it. Without God we can't do anything. And if we don't give it to Him then we will do what we need to do to feel "better", including eating a huge bowl of ice cream. I know that feeling well!
Presence: I can so relate. I am scared too. I mean, it is hard to just let ourselves go and feel and keep on doing what we know we should because we do have no idea where it will lead us. This is where we are so powerless. Can being powerless not be scary? I think so. As long as we have true faith in the one that holds us together. Even when we don't feel it and even when we don't know what we feel. It can be very scary but we can do this!
I am still hanging on. I have to get up every morning and give my life to God and even then sometimes I have to do it over and over again. I mean, it is so hard to let go and trust in anything, especially after having been hurt so many times over and over and over again.
I have made some good decisions this week in terms of money and food. I decided not to do some things I was going to do this weekend because of money issues. Of course, now I am kinda worried what my weekend will look like for me. I will probably spend alot of time in here posting. I have also started weight watchers today. It is going to be hard because since I have been staying away from and keeping to my nc with my poa food has been a huge comfort. I am supposed to stick to 21 points. That is really not much food especially with what I am used to eating! But I can do this. I can, with God's help, control what I eat. I can, with God's help, quit spending insane amouts of money. I can, we God's help, let myself feel all the things i need to and will feel. We can all do this! Thank God for this group! Luv You Guys!!! Thanks so much for all your support!
Be blessed,
~Dawn~
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Post by presence on May 24, 2009 12:57:49 GMT -8
Hey Dawn,
I am glad you're making good decisions this week. It's hard to stay away from one addiction without sliding into another one. I was home by myself most of the day then went to a graduation picnic for the last 2 hours. It was a really good day for me. I was okay by myself for most of the day...but I was also afraid/reluctant to go out....which isn't the same thing I guesss. I didn't want to go and sit and talk with strangers. It was fine when I got there and just did it. It always is....but 2 hours was just enough time.
I was alone most of the day, wanted it to be that way, and I wish I knew the difference between this kind of day and being lonely and bereft....I don't like NOT being able to control my emotions.
Maybe the difference was...I had a choice. I had a choice to be with people all day or not. And I chose not...wasn't for the best of reasons--tension around strangers--but I chose. And I'm not even sure that--tension around strangers thing is true--I procrastinated going because of it but I was happy putzing around at home.
I did and still do feel very resigned about life right now though. That feeling sometimes intensifies to great sadness and into an even greater fear if I dwell on the "whys" and "what next"
The specifics of today: I've lost something rather important to me...may have left it at school...but it's replacable/do-without-able. And, I'm not attacking myself for being an idiot...even though I've got domestic chores on my agenda and lot of free brain time. This is a step WAY up for me.
I'm trying to turn my will over to God but its such a "okay...do what you're going to do anyway" kind of an attitude. The gratefulness I do feel at a low level seems so forced when I try to pray about it.
Anyway...its a beautiful day in the neighborhood. I drove to school knowing the lab was probably closed to just to see the day. I'm doing what I need to do indoors today. I do some dancing as my exercise today. I'm looking forward to the night and a rental movie. The empty hours aren't scaring me today.
Presence
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Post by dawnbelieves on May 25, 2009 5:52:08 GMT -8
Empty hours are still scary sometimes for me and something not. I don't know what makes the difference but sometimes I feel GREAT when I am alone and sometimes I feel TERRIBLE. I wish that I could someone figure out what I am doing different from day to day to make things feel so different. On the days I feel GREAT I do awesome in every way. I don't overeat. I don't stress out. I just feel good in all ways. On the days that I feel so bad I overeat, I sit around and do nothing, I obsess about everything. It is insane. I would love it if I could just figure out what the difference it.
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Healing Man
Full Member
"today I choose to love me"
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Post by Healing Man on May 25, 2009 15:27:56 GMT -8
hi dawnbelieves, I can really relate to what your saying about some days feeling great and some days feeling terrible; a couple of days ago i was flying, then was all busted up for awhile, then going good, and today is one of those just OK days. Oh why can't they all be flying days hey? Am wondering about it too, and the last couple of times have been feeling down "for no reason" have actually, as hard as it was, just kept on doing what I was doing on the good days, and the truth of it seems that then the "downs" don't seem to last as long or be as intense. Am thinking that maybe they come and go..that is, the down days come and go, not the content serene days, they are always there to be had - but perhaps, the serenity and peace allows the space for the pains and sadnesses to come up, be experienced and processed, and pass away; if we "act out" on those moments, maybe it stops the passing away process, but if we "allow" those moments, they arise and pass and we are back to serenity again, and that little chunk of sadness has passed away for good. I don't know, am just thinking aloud here coz your post broguht up that within me and wanted to give it a voice coz felt it was important. Blessings to you db |
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Post by dawnbelieves on May 25, 2009 18:49:56 GMT -8
My counsoler has told me that many times. That I have to let the feeling happen. That I have to experience them and then let them go. I guess she is right but sometimes that just seems so dag on hard to do. But, I am going to keep working on it because I also love the days when I am flying. Be Blessed, Dawn
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Post by presence on May 25, 2009 23:31:03 GMT -8
I read a link about cold loneliness and hot loneliness here. Skimmed it. I may give it a good read later. But the big thing I got out of it was this...I DO HAVE a major problem just letting negative feelings come up without feeling like I have to DO SOMETHING right now about them.
Also I worry about a deep funk come on me without moving....I have a tendency toward depression and taking some sort of action seems like "the right" thing to do--my American-istic thinking.
But tendency or no tendency, I have a hard time sitting still for anything that's unpleasant....I always want to take some sort of action.
Meditating seems like such a good thing to do....but I get too antsy. Anybody have a short/easy/meditation for dummys way to start?
Presence
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Healing Man
Full Member
"today I choose to love me"
Posts: 165
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Post by Healing Man on May 26, 2009 15:12:02 GMT -8
Hi there Presence; Not sure if I can point you in any particular "direction" but from what you said about getting "antsy" pretty much reflects what goes on for me too a lot of the time; but sitting with that, just observing it, allowing it without reacting to it, is the way I have learned. And not to be critical or reactive of when the mind goes off on its own; just observe that too. I meditated vipassana technique for a few years which was very much about being "in the body" - observing the breath; that's all, just observing the breath, focussing on the breath in, the breath out, the breath in, the breath out..and then the mind will wander away and in time you'll realise that you've stopped being aware of the breath and so bring it back without judgement just with awareness back to the breath; and again, the mind will wander and again bring it back without reaction or judgement just being aware. Maybe don't try too much to start with, even 10 minutes or so a few times a day is a good thing; and maybe in those 10 minutes, you may find at the start that you can only stay with the breath for a minute, maybe less, and your thoughts might run away for a few minutes maybe more. That's all OK and as it is; just be aware, bring your focus back to the breath, don't react to that. By doing it in little bits often, it doesn't seem like such a huge ask. There are many different paths to meditation...some people like guided meditations, some people prefer silent; vipassana is all about being aware of sensations in the body and focussing on those; personally now I find that negates the "soul" part of me, is in a way "too much" in the body. But the breath is a good place to start coz it is always there, from the mment we are born to the moment we die; what ever we are doing we are breathing unconciously, and it is about becoming "concious" and focussing on the breath helps to hone our mind, sharpen its awareness. My first experience with meditation was with a CD of tibetan monk mediation which was really nice; occaisaonal deep tone chanting interspersed with this lovely old guy giving guidance on watching the breath; in through one nostril, out through the other..i fell asleep to that for months And in there, at times, I hope you find the stillness, the solid quiet place behind all that chattering head stuff that is your self. Blessings to you Presence. PS Dawn believes - yep, those flying days are gold dust hey |
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Post by dawnbelieves on May 26, 2009 16:18:23 GMT -8
I do meditate but I meditate on Bible verses that I have memorized and my mind does tend to wonder but I just refocus when it does. Sometimes it is easier to to when walking. On nice days I will walk long periods and just go over Bible verses in my head and pray and meditate. It is nice and always makes me feel better. Now, when I am really really feeling low it is really hard to make myself do it. Those are the days that are bad because I don't feel like I have the strength to do the one thing that I know will make me feel better. Go figure. But, when I do grab the motivation from somewhere I do feel better. Be Blessed, Dawn
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Post by dawnbelieves on May 26, 2009 16:19:29 GMT -8
OH yeah, I forgot to give you guys an update on my issue with food. I have gone five days now and stayed in my Weight Watcher Point range. YAY ME!!!!! I am going to keeping trying my hardest to stick with it. ~Dawn~
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Post by presence on May 27, 2009 11:05:01 GMT -8
Hey manonthemend...thanks for the tips. I will try the focusing on the breath method you described. I'll also try the walking with bible verses in my head too Dawnbel I have a lot of time on my hands this week and next. And congratulations on the weight watchers...YAY YOU! for sure. Me? School is done for a while (waiting for others input on my thesis) and my new job doesn't start for a couple of weeks....just like I prayed. I knew I was keeping busy to keep from being lonely, but I'm realizing just how pared down I've allowed my life to become. People were calling me in the weeks and months before because they needed things from me....just like I'd arranged. Another life is ahead of me I think. A new job, closer to home. New people to meet. A second chance. I'm trying to think of this time as re-birth instead of the death of my old life--which wasn't that hot anyway....but it was....can you guess what I'm going to say?  ?....."better than nothing" Trying to be present Presence |
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Post by dawnbelieves on May 28, 2009 12:50:09 GMT -8
The last time I made alot of changes (moved back home, back to school, quit my job) I also tried to think a little more positive about it than I had in the past. Actually, alot more positive about it. And guess what....it really helped. I have a new life now and it is great. I think that most of the time our mind sets affect what will and won't happen. I mean, I know that sometimes things happen outside of our control...but I have found that if i keep a positive mind set and always try to see the good in things (including life changes) things go alot more smoothly for me. Be Blessed, ~Dawn~
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Post by presence on May 30, 2009 18:06:30 GMT -8
I believe that thinking positively definitely affects your demeanor and the actions you are willing to take. I'm seem to be in a better frame of mind the last day or so--but feeling a little numb...I think. Its hard to know what an absence of lonely feelings mean when I'm still craving company or closeness or concern from a friend that doesn't exist.
Presence
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. I could never explain this to people, I REALLY do gain a lot of weight when I am over my poa. I even tell myself if I have him in my life..then I will lose all this weight AND I DID!! I was using him like my "diet pill" or something that caused me to be nauseous after word. I was starting to have side effects after those diet pills wore off....if you know what I'm saying??
?....."better than nothing"