Directness

Feel very triggered by this post coz has healthy as it is to be direct and honest with ones truth, I believe with that comes some emotional responsibility. "with power comes responsibility"....directness frightens me coz I was on the receiving end daily of osmeone elses truth in abundance.
As I understand it there are 3 levels to emotional maturity and responsibility. knowing what we are feeling. Expressing what we are feeling in a respectful owning way. And lastly, knowing when and what is appropritate expression.
I'm feeling angry and sad and crying now coz it's stuff like this that people can just read and then take those bits and say "OK I will go and speak my truth and d**n everyone else if they don't like it this is MY TRUTH and IT WILL BE HEARD" and then woe betide anyone not hearing my truth or willing to spend hours listening to me go on about my truth and my feelings.
The words 'I feel..." and "My truth is...." are indelibly linked to feasr in me, knowing that if I din't tread so so carefully I would get stayed away from.
See, my ex-partner must've learnt the first two stages really well..but completely skipped the third...and instead of owning her truth and then moving on and having a nice day without conflict..if I didn't use precisely the correct phraseology that she was expecting i woul dget stayed away from. And iof she didn't FEEL heard by me, if I dodn't use the correct intonation or phraseology or seem to her to be being humble and willing to be hearing her feelings and truth it would be "I'm not feeling heard, obviously my feelings are not important to you I think i will take some space until you consider what I have said and make it important".
this wasn't every so often, this was weekly, sometimes daily.
No I don't think it is safe to be around honest and direct people coz sometimes thise people that read stuff like that take it and run with it and then stand back and say "but I'm just sharing my truth with you"..aaaaaghhh angryangryangry and sadsadsad.
And if I didn't make her truth mine...she wouldn't feel heard about it...would feel as if what she was saying was unimportant to me. Honestly there was No respectful emotional maturity in that.
Yes, it is good to be honest and direct; but that really needs to be qualified; there is a time for it; there is a place for it..there is some need to be knowing as to whether it is even appropriate to express to a particular person.
Example; if I go round to a friends house, hire a lawnmower and a trimmer, spend the day cutting their grass to help them out when they had asked, I would expect some kind of thank you or acknowledgement that the job had been done. To me that's what friends do; they help each other.
i did this one day, my ex asked me if I could cut her lawn and tidy up as she had a landlord inspection later in the week and she didn't have time. So I did that. Drove the hour and a bit to her place, hired a mower and trimmer on the way, got fuel, spent the day tidying her garden with love and joy as I always did, I loved doing those kind of things for her truly; that night she phoned when she got back to say thank you though she was feeling disappointed and let down that it wasn't as neat as she'd hoped. And it looked like I didn't care and that made her feel less than and not important to me. She said it was obvious I hadn't really put my heart into it and that she didn't fele like a priority to me that perhaps i had something else to do instead of helping her and was more focussed on that. yes I understood that was how she was feeling and that's not my responsibility, but then to be "taken space" from because of that as "I need to love me now as I am feeling let down by you"...and yes, perhaps the next time I should've told my truth and said how painful and disheartening it is to work all day for some one and have all that at the end of it. So I did. Next time she asked i said that, in nicer gentler tones by the way. Oh and that was not OK.
I'm sorry, i feel angry when I read glib statements like that without some kind of MAJOR HEALTH WARNING afterwards; she was forever quoting things like that at me and to me I would just be feeling bullied and abused afterward.
Apologies for the vent. Yes, it is good to OWN one's truth, but ti doesn't neccessarily have to be expressed..sometimes, what we are feeling, actually, always what we are feeling is our own stuff, no-one else is responsible.

Manonthement.

Thank you for speaking your truth. I believe in moderation in all things, even telling the truth. I think this passage was written for codependents who are often unable to stand up for themselves. But it is only Melodie Beattie's opinion. Take care . . .

Article . . .

www.turnonyourinnerlight.com/Truth.html

Susan, thank you, that was so validating for me, thank you i really appreciate your words and thought behind them.

Euro, mate, thanks too; yes, was never enough and it was the, as you so succinctly put it, "emotional deficit" that was finally too much for me tobear ongoingly. There is no hope when that is all out of whack to such an extent.

Since this post have been trying to focus on why I feel so angry about it and also, that that anger is really just the surface coz it is old sadness really, irrespective of the present triggerred fears about that and the anger about being on the receiving end of it.Old sadness for a little boy that bever really got his feelings validated, his joys and magicalness appreciated for what it was. So it was a gift for me to read this and though have been very teary since, it is good to feel that sadness and validate it for the little boy inside and hear him. Thank you.

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