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Post by newborn on Jun 8, 2009 13:40:47 GMT -8
In codependent literature I read a lot that it's a red flag if you're making excuses for the behavior of another.
But then, I've been reading articles all day (instead of writing my paper) about true intimacy and how to develop it, and all the articles say that you must be understanding, and that they are not you, and you need to accept people for who they are. It just kind of sounds like a polite way of saying that you're making excuses for them - but it's okay.
I know that we are never to accept or make excuses for abusive behavior. But it gets kind of confusing for me to know the difference between accepting someone for who they are, versus behavior that might lead to an unhealthy relationship.
Does that make sense?
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Post by Susan Peabody on Jun 8, 2009 15:48:34 GMT -8
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Healing Man
Full Member
"today I choose to love me"
Posts: 165
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Post by Healing Man on Jun 8, 2009 16:35:38 GMT -8
i found myself often making excuses; not so much for my partners behaviour [though i did that to myself often enough - "she's had a hard life", "she was abused as a child", "her ex was cruel to her" etc etc..all things that I tried to hold onto to look past her behaviours and to the kind gentle loving woman underneath] but also for my own addiction, why i would constantly not trun up to friends places, turn down invites, let people down..in the end folks just knew why and I didn't need to make excuses or explain things.
In the end, as Susan said in her link, it was "casting pearls"...some people are incapable of honouring unconditional love.
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Post by moonlight on Jan 10, 2010 5:38:25 GMT -8
Wow, what a great thread (and the one that is referred to)!!! This is exactly what I do: I fall in love and than decide I will love and stay with him no matter what. Only, I do try to change the behavior within this "loving spirit"; I do put boundaries and ask for what I need, but than when he doesn't respond I'm baffled. What to do now?  I loved this quote from the post that Susan referred to (from the Christian forum): "And while Christ may ask us to love our enemy, we do not have to marry him." That is so beautiful and funny. I think in all other than love relationships, I do it as follows: -I put healthy boundaries -I stay open to contact with this person -I choose the distance that feels good. So the message is: I appreciate you as a person and I think deep down you are beautiful, but I do (not) want to be treated this way. If someone is very demanding, I take a great distance, still am there for him/her as if he/she would be my family. I use this "technique" also in my work, psychiatry. I have good working relationships with all our clients (80 or so) and feel safe within the contacts. So it works for all my other contacts! I just have to learn not to decide on a love-relationship this quickly; and when I do decide on it, it is never going to be a love relationship forever by definition. Just one day at a time. This is hard for me. I like the idea so much of a choice to stay together forever. But this is only possible when the other person invests as much as me and is as flexible yet putting boundaries. So: maybe at some point it will be possible to make this life time commitment; but only when I am sure the other person feels the exact same way. Until that time, I will just commit myself one day at a time in love (I don't mean I'll cheat of course). Thanks so much. Moonlight |
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Post by moonlight on Jan 10, 2010 5:57:08 GMT -8
PS
I have been collecting all my posts for the last 10 days on this forum and saving them in a text file together. I found in my first post my goal:
"My recovery goal is: to be connected to a power greater than mine and rely on that; to be able to love my partner for who he is and let go of my expectations; to be able to stand on my own two feet and feel happy and complete with it."
I might have to review the second part of it now!
Moonlight
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Post by lotus on Jan 10, 2010 8:15:34 GMT -8
You can accept someone for who they are without making excuses for them. Internally, you can decide whether someone's behavior/values are unacceptable and thus you will leave the relationship or speak up. At the same time you can withhold judgment on that person. You are not "right" and they are "wrong"; it is a matter of personal preference.
I try to listen to my husband when he speaks without judging him; I just listen and try to see his point of view. At the same time, though, if there is something I don't like I will speak up OR just accept it. I don't feel I'm making excuses for him, though; that's a mental process in itself.
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Post by moonlight on Jan 10, 2010 8:33:10 GMT -8
Thanks Besatt. I'll have to work on knowing where to put the boundar on someone's behavior/values.
Love, Moonlight
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Post by walkingonwater on Jan 10, 2010 12:36:37 GMT -8
If Jesus said 'love your neighbour as yourself' that covers it I think. If someone is abusing you you can continue to love them in the forgiving, accepting sense - but also get away fast in order to love yourself.
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Post by Susan Peabody on Jan 10, 2010 16:10:51 GMT -8
If Jesus said 'love your neighbour as yourself' that covers it I think. If someone is abusing you you can continue to love them in the forgiving, accepting sense - but also get away fast in order to love yourself. We are taught to love our neighbor, but sometimes we must love them from a distance. We are also told not to throw pearls before swine. I know God put this is the Bible just for codependents like me. |
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Post by LovelyJune on Jan 10, 2010 18:51:40 GMT -8
This was a very confusing issue for me. I too used to grapple with the idea of loving someone for who they are and accepting them etc. But not accepting certain behaviors. It was always so confusing because I found myself wanting to change them. That never worked. So I was left even more confused because the harder I tried to just "accept" them, the more I hated myself and the fact that they weren't the person I would have preferred them to be.
All that changed when I realized exactly what Moonlight alluded to: that all people should be treated kindly and loving, but that doesn't mean you have to go out and date them or stay with them. I accept that my PoA smokes pot. But I don't have to date him anymore because that's not the kind of stuff I want in my life. You can accept people, you can even love them, but you don't have to live with them and deal with their weirdness on a daily basis. You can instead, find someone more similar to you. The more similar you and your partner's values are, the less you want to change them.
T
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