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Post by Susan Peabody on Jun 10, 2009 14:16:40 GMT -8
Joseph Campbell talked a lot about marriage. He said it was a spiritual union based on shared sacrifice. Different people are called upon to sacrifice different things. Sometimes a loved one is sick and they must stay by his or her bedside. Sometimes a partner is mentally ill and his or her partner must bear the weight of this. In this modern day it is very common to have to sacrifice limerence for the sake of the marital union. Limerence is like cocain.
Many men and women self-medicate with limerence as some of the chemicals triggered are an anti-depressant. Others are just unfortunate enough to be in love with someone outside the marital union.
Now that you have chosen fidelity, I encourage you to read as you suffer. The Road Less Traveled will validate your decision to stay married. If you cannot rediscover the limerence with your spouse then just enjoy the companionship and idealize the longevity of your union. They honeymoon may, or may not, be over, but it is not all there is to marriage.
Grow old alone with me.
The best is yet to be.
The last of life,
For which the first was made.
If you are the path to fidelity, hold the hand of your partner. Smile. Embrace the moment. So much of what we feel in a relationship is based on projection. So project on to your partner..
Finally, as you embark on this journey of fidelity know that God is with you. And, as Joseph Campbell said, “when you are on the right path, invisible hands will come to your aid.” Addendum
Read Hendrix for guidelines on how to fix a broken marriage.
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Post by Light on Jun 17, 2009 21:06:58 GMT -8
beautiful
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Post by staystrong on Jul 27, 2009 18:34:14 GMT -8
I am so glad to have found this site. I want to commit to fidelity. My wife is such a blessing and I really don't deserve her grace, but she gives it to me.
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Post by winnie on Nov 5, 2009 2:34:40 GMT -8
I was just flicking though pages and came to this. I can say that I have first hand experience of the idea of projection. I am not married but when I decided to project onto my partner differently things shifted and changed massively and I really did let love fill my life.
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Post by geedee on Nov 15, 2009 7:38:46 GMT -8
i don't know why i came onto this thread just now.
i was thinking 'of course triangles have to end' and realised how far I had come over the past weeks. i remembered reading a lot on this thread initially but have no longer felt the need since my POA has been disappearing out of my life.
the memories are fading even if the scars are not and never will. as a matter of fact i want the scars to stay as a reminder of what i've done. I want the pain to go. i want the anguish to go.
but the scars must remain as a reminder that i must never become complacent or think that i have totally recovered. I will be a love addict for life.
what lovely thoughts on marriage and companionship from Susan. I dont expect perfection from my marriage but i look at my parents who have been married for 52 years and have come through so much. they still love each other.
their health has started to fail noticably all of a sudden and they seem to be heading towards the sunset together... despite all the trials and tribulations they have been thru, their strength and their love have been an example to all of my family. i wish them many more years on this Earth but I'm sure they'll find their place in Heaven. That's where i hope to be with them forever one day.
and there they are again...those invisible hands leading me to your open letter
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Post by veronica on Jul 23, 2011 7:58:27 GMT -8
Not program literature but from Cosmo founder Helen Gurley Brown. Ironically she openly advocated single women pursue married men, but just to get the (mostly) financial perks of being a mistress. That aside, she nailed a married person's view.
“A wife, if she is loving and smart, will get her husband back every time,” she wrote more than 40 years ago. “He doesn’t really want her not to. He’s only playing.” And, just as soundly:
It isn’t his wife who doesn’t understand him, it’s his girlfriend. And what she doesn’t understand is how come he doesn’t get a divorce.
It’s simple. Because of the children, because of the community property, and because in many cases he doesn’t really dislike his wife. He may be tired of her and tired of her understanding him perfectly, but basically they are pretty good friends."
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Post by margot on Oct 8, 2011 3:55:43 GMT -8
Once again, Veronica...........you hit home. It hurts but it's true.
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Post by Havefaith on Oct 8, 2011 4:58:16 GMT -8
Clearly, what Helen Gurley Brown left out of the equation was the emotional pain and suffering of being 'the mistress'. Financial benefits? What a joke -- at least in this day and age. Perhaps that was true, years ago when she wrote this -- but I don't know any man who offers his 'mistress' financial perks. They do offer sex. And emotional pain. And anguish. Yup. I think that's about it.
By the way -- I'm married and have been for 25 years. I have not left my spouse for another, so I know both sides of this ugly little dead-end game.
Why haven't I left my spouse for another -- like Helen G.B. said, "The children - community property - he's a pretty good friend" and I know ultimately that the sex addicts that I attract and are attracted to me have not offered me anything more (and generally much less) than what I have now.
HaveFaith
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Post by jphcbpa on Apr 18, 2012 6:12:22 GMT -8
agree with this...I do not want to forget i don't know why i came onto this thread just now. i was thinking 'of course triangles have to end' and realised how far I had come over the past weeks. i remembered reading a lot on this thread initially but have no longer felt the need since my POA has been disappearing out of my life. the memories are fading even if the scars are not and never will. as a matter of fact i want the scars to stay as a reminder of what i've done. I want the pain to go. i want the anguish to go. but the scars must remain as a reminder that i must never become complacent or think that i have totally recovered. I will be a love addict for life. what lovely thoughts on marriage and companionship from Susan. I dont expect perfection from my marriage but i look at my parents who have been married for 52 years and have come through so much. they still love each other. their health has started to fail noticably all of a sudden and they seem to be heading towards the sunset together... despite all the trials and tribulations they have been thru, their strength and their love have been an example to all of my family. i wish them many more years on this Earth but I'm sure they'll find their place in Heaven. That's where i hope to be with them forever one day. and there they are again...those invisible hands leading me to your open letter |
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Post by jphcbpa on Apr 18, 2012 6:13:30 GMT -8
wow...stopped me in my tracks & brought tears to my eyes By the way -- I'm married and have been for 25 years. I have not left my spouse for another, so I know both sides of this ugly little dead-end game. Why haven't I left my spouse for another -- like Helen G.B. said, "The children - community property - he's a pretty good friend" and I know ultimately that the sex addicts that I attract and are attracted to me have not offered me anything more (and generally much less) than what I have now. HaveFaith |
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Post by Havefaith on Apr 18, 2012 10:33:01 GMT -8
I fell for a fellow sex/love addict. I'm still struggling with feelings for him. What a nightmare.
I'm learning to Let Go and Let God.
One day at a time.
HaveFaith
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Post by Susan Peabody on Jul 18, 2012 13:08:51 GMT -8
Please don't just talk about the problem, give equal time to the solution. This message board is a classroom for the beginner. They need to know how to fix things. |
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Post by rosebud73 on Sept 3, 2016 18:45:06 GMT -8
I really enjoy the website chump lady and recommend it highly.
She uses a lot of profanity but has great tough love wisdom about the narcissism of cheaters...and the lies they tell themselves and both other partners.
I FOOLISHLY dated a "separated" man. My LA led me to break my values one after another Next, not to do the dating fast friends were encouraging me to do...
End of story...the man I'm dating, whose texting me everyday is MARRIED with a child!! NOT getting divorced.
Oh, and we had sex one time and I got pregnant.
At that point he became cruel, self pitying, and very destructive. I left him. All flirting stopped the minute I learned he was married.
I am carrying his baby, who is loved and a gift.
Triangles are addictive, deceptive and a horrible trap. It's like crack cocaine...never ends well....
I ignored so many red flags, but did try to break up, but my LA issues kept me feeling bonded and in fantasy land.
I'm thankful for forgiveness and grace. It's truly amazing.
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Post by rosebud73 on Sept 3, 2016 18:50:45 GMT -8
I just want to say healing IS possible. I have more recovery and sobriety now that I have for years.
AND I'm free of my addictive relationship with my ex-husband....completely over him.
That is an absolute miracle.
God is doing for me what I never could have done for myself.
I was so powerless, once I dated a Satanist who I knew was a sociopath (his friend told me!!!) ....and I'm a born again Christian!!! That fact absolutely boggles my mind. My brain was screaming at me...."Girl, what are you doing?!! But I was POWERLESS to end it. I tried...I asked for help....I talked about him in meetings...it's utterly bizarre.
But if I unravel it...I kept seeing the false image he first showed me of a sensitive guy who is healing from abuse who seemed very loving and positive (totally fake) To pity....(poor guy...don't what to abandon him)
I could not end it....He did the sociopathic discard or who knows what may have happened....
He was a sociopath. I actually felt scared around him.
Actually I did go through some spiritual healing at that time, right after him...prayer ministry that did help a lot...
This is battle for our hearts, souls, minds and lives...
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Post by Namaste6 on Sept 5, 2016 2:04:52 GMT -8
yes we are addicts and it becomes difficult to let go of our LA or POA. we have to fight hard. smokers, drinkers, drug addicts can go to rehab
or use anti nicotine patch and give up their addiction.
but in our case we don't have any patch, rehab nor any medication to wane us off.
we have to fight it off with all our will power and God / HP strength.
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Post by notcrazydave on Apr 26, 2017 5:01:27 GMT -8
I don't know where I will be in a year from now, but I have hope. I know good things are possible. It might even get worse before it gets better. I am taking more positive steps than negative ones. I am going to be working on a vision of what I want for my life. First and foremost, I want to improve my relationship with myself and my higher power. So that is the first element of my vision. I see myself being committed to my recovery, my spiritual life, and my inner life. It is possible.
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