How Do We Build Up Our Self Worth?

Sheila-

Here are some answers to your questions. They come from my own experience asa recovered LA:

How can I validate MYSELF and not rely on others to do it for me?
Experience. You set a goal, you take initiative and you complete the goal, by yourself, no matter what. In this way, you build confidence in your ability to do things alone. The more you do things on your own, the more you build confidence. Validation comes when you realize you can do things on your own. This was huge for me. I felt pretty much like a failure most of my life without a man. It's not the case anymore. I pushed myself through some pretty rough situations alone and am OK.

How can I get more in control of my emotions? This is something you can learn from a book (Dialectic Behavior Therapy is the best resource) Force yourself to be conscious about the fact that emotions are separate from logic. Your emotions are like a child, whereas hyour logic is the adult. Just because you "feel" something it does not mean it is true or that you have to act on it. Also, emotions can be triggered by ridiculous things: tired, hungry, lonely. Watch out for these things. I used to be extremely tired at certain points and then I would start feeling a huge sense of anger toward my bf. I thought i was truly angry with him. It wasn't entirely the case. I was just tired. Many problems regarding control of emotions comes from not knowing your body well enough and your limits. I strongly suggest you getting a book on this.

How do I realize my full self-worth? [[ironically, I am extremely confident when it comes to females - I have amazing friends. But when it comes to guys, I feel extremely insecure even though I am attractive and very smart]]. Again, you realize your worth when you build your self-esteem and develop experience. We all need to take RISKS, Sheila. If we are constantly hanging around the same dull, abusive people, that's all our lives will be filled with. We need to take a risk and step outside our comfort zone and try to get to know different people. When we learn about the world and men and women, we come to realize through time, that we are worthy. That no one is better than anyone else. The other thing is. I'm not so sure anyone ever realizes their "full" self worth. But we can certainly do better for ourselves than we are now. Learn. Go to school. Go back to school. Start hanging around with different people at work. Travel. the more you know about the world, the more you see your own beauty.

How can I break out of this cycle where I feel like I need to be "punished" for "messing up"? Positive self talk. There are people in this world (usually narcissists) who do very bad things and they still think they are god's gift to mankind. They do not have the ability to blame themselves or see the consequences of their actions. It's the polar opposite of a love addict where we tend to self blame ALL THE TIME and carry the weight of others' problems as well! (probably what attracted you to your N to begin with- he's your opposite). But these two scenarios are EXTREME. Neither narcissism or love addiction is healthy. You need to seek balance. Somewhere in between narcissism and constant self blame there exists a healthier perspective. How do you find that healthier perspective? You are human, which ultimately means that you will make mistakes and lots of them. You are no different from anyone else. Even the most perfect people make mistakes. ALLOW YOURSELF to make them and be forgiving. Are you really messing up? Or are you simply living the only way you know how at the time? Just like your N and his gf, they are that way because it's all they know. Forgive others. Forgive yourself. And when you realize that we, as humans, are built on our mistakes, you won't punish yourself. We are ALL flawed, it's just a matter of how we manage ourselves and work to do better. You will eventually choose to see your mistakes as a way in which you are growing and learning, not as something that deserves punishment.

I hope this helps.

Love the part about emotions being the child and logic being the adult. I will have to remember that. I also don't really take risks....always been scared to meet new people. I mean really, where does one even go to meet new people...LOL. I laugh, but I am totally serious. Thanks for that post telmita and thanks even more Sheila for asking the right questions! Be blessed, ~Dawn~

Ditto to everything Telmita said - brilliant!