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Post by pursuehappiness on Feb 13, 2008 10:06:03 GMT -8
I had no boundaries before I started recovery. No idea what that meant either. Life was always full speed ahead to get to the next thing that would make me feel good. No consideration for others and really no consideration for my emotional, physical or spiritual well being. Today I am making progress toward finding out what boundaries are for me. These are usually areas of my life that bring constant discomfort, areas that especially don't support the development of love. So I now get this feeling deep in my gut that after enough tries at moving forward will eventually become strong enough to help me realize I need to stop, let go and get moving on some area of my recovery. This feeling by the way I believe is my spirit something that was barely a flicker at one time. I just wasn't taught to develop my spirit and now that's no one's fault but mine as i'm old enough to take care of myself. Those who were in my life did the best they could I'm absolutely sure.
What I have slowly learned in recovery is its tough to keep an open mind. Its the most natural part of being human to close our minds to new ideas, to allow our ideas to be challenged, to allow our spirit to grow. That is tough especially since most of us have lots of old ideas we're stuck with and that we think is most comfortable yet brings about the most discomfort.
So boundaries for me are now knowing when to stop (not over-react), communicate or reveal my problem to those who are close in my life, and then get on with personal recovery. Never fails!
Thanks!
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Post by Rainbows Always on Feb 14, 2008 16:48:43 GMT -8
you said "I wasnt taught to develop my spirit, no-one is to blame except me"
I disagree, It wasnt your fault that you werent taught that. That is something your parents did not teach you. We dont need to continue to blame them but they are accountable for that.
However, now that you are older yourself, YOU are responsible for fixing that. But you ARE NOT to blame.
And you are in recovery so well done. I hope you dont blame yourself for that.
Rainbows always
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Post by pursuehappiness on Feb 14, 2008 17:29:57 GMT -8
Hi Rainbows Always,
The context I mean was "now" as in today it's my responsibility. I absolutely agree that they were responsible for guiding me in this area but there are stories behind that and put simply they had people attempt to impose it in an extreme religious type of way so they gave up ever bothering with it because of that experience. Their experience was from a past time in Britain where either you had to be Catholic or Protestant and if none then face the consequence. I can understand from them sharing this experience why they may have avoided it altogether. So today its my responsibility and I do try to share an open idea of spirituality with my daughter.
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Post by beehappy on Feb 20, 2008 9:15:04 GMT -8
So far what I am learning is to stop and listen to my inner core and to let it guide me. If I do anything or say anything while anxious, tense or in the "fight or flight" mode, it never turns out well for me. I have this book called Taming Your Gremlin by Rick Carson. He says to:
-Simply notice
-Choose and play with options
-Be in process.
Certainly there are many ways to do these things. I find it helpful just to think of them and recite them in my head. I use them to calm myself and get in touch with what my body is telling me about a particular situation.
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Post by tabasco on Jun 27, 2008 20:40:14 GMT -8
Boundaries...now that's a hard one!
I have no boundaries...or...I don't know what my boundaries are until they've been crossed. ie...didn't know boundaries of sexual harrassment until his hand was on my breast.
I end up feeling foolish or naive or a whole host of other labels. Instead of putting the responsibility where it should be. (I think.) But I ALLOW men to treat me this way. I have allowed myself to be objectified or sexualized for so many years that I don't know how to have normal conversations anymore. I have used my sexuality as a tool or a weapon to get what I want. Men love me, women hate me. And of course, the minute a man shows any interest in me, or if I think they are showing interest I get a big ol' crush! Mind you, I've been married for 24 years.
This is very frustrating. It's humiliating. I have 2 daughters and I want to be able to teach them how to say no and mean it. I don't want them to repeat my patterns.
I had a bit of a turning point this week.
I'm reading Facing Love Addiction and of course, seeing myself on every page. Well, the other night an old friend and affair partner from 10 years ago called me at home. (He calls occasionally and we chit-chat.) Well, this particular night I guess he was "aroused" and while we were talking, it was obvious to me that he was masturbating. He asked me to talk dirty to him but I refused. He told me he was imagining me performing oral sex on him. Now pay attention cause here's the clincher...instead of hanging up on him I kept talking, acting like nothing was happening. I hung up shorlty after that in my usual friendly manner. I don't want that relationship with him anymore but I allowed myself to get sucked into the role of fulfilling his fantasy. I allowed him to objectify me. For a moment, I felt powerful...then I soon felt used and dirty.
The next day I did e-mail him and nicely asked him not to relate to me in that manner anymore. Actually what I said was "let's keep it friendly...no more funny business". Do ya think he got the message? Probably not except that he hasn't responded.
Boundaries...I need help with this one.
Thanks for listening.
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Post by Sexlessw on Jun 30, 2008 13:52:56 GMT -8
Tabasco:
You just gave the perfect illustration of when some men say "Let's be friends" actually meaning "I want to have sex with you when I'm feeling horny".
What a total JERK that former AP was. God, he has some nerve. If he wished to mastrubate, he should have called a 1-800 number and PAID for it. You are not somebody's phone sex partner. The nerve of him!!!!
Now, this is the tough part - and what you say is true (for me too):
"I ALLOW men to treat me this way. I have allowed myself to be objectified or sexualized for so many years that I don't know how to have normal conversations anymore."
Perhaps you found your sexuality was your power. It's how you harness that power which is important - it either hurts or helps us. And for that I don't have a good understanding.
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