Post by salutations2you on Aug 4, 2009 18:58:20 GMT -8
I was always taught to forgive and forget...., Ironically it is something my x kept pushing down my throat, if only so he could continue doing the very thing that was challenging my conceptof forgivness in the first place . I have since come to question this, only if forgetting means no bounderies and allowing something unhealthy for onesself
has any one else struggled with this phrase as well
Post by sillypoppet on Aug 5, 2009 18:44:15 GMT -8
Yes! Forgiving the men from my past has been very hard for me. Some were easier than others, some I didn't want to let go of, and the most recent was the hardest. My last serious relationship really crushed me. I'm not going to dwell on the details because it doesn't really matter. We broke up about 1 1/2 years ago, and I have struggled since then with hate. I would imagine how I would get revenge on him, and then after awhile started praying for God's vengeance. Very nice, right? Finally, after one particular "hating" session on my ex, God spoke to me. He said that to forgive, doesn't mean for me (or for you) to "forget." It doesn't mean that we allow that person back in our lives. When someone hurts you deeply, you have every right to keep them out of your life. Since starting therapy, I have learned that this is creating a "healthy boundary." We do not have to accept repeated abuse just because that person is sorry! Forgiveness is surrendering all of our pain to God so that we can live in the light. When we refuse to forgive, we are trying to enact justice ourselves. My hatred was eating me alive and making me a bitter and angry person. Forgiving my ex wasn't for him, it was for me. It doesn't matter whether or not my ex is sorry for what he did, or worrying about revenge. Our God is the ultimate judge and the main source of love. Justice may be allowing the other person to see the truth of their actions and the pain they have caused others. I am learning to forgive my ex, but I certainly will never forget those scars. Remember, those scars serve as a reminder to protect ourselves in the future. It's like placing your hand repeatedly on a hot stove top. We don't forget not to do it again just because the wound heals. We learn from it, remember it, and protect ourselves in the future.
Hopefully I made sense. A good book to read about forgiveness is "The Shack." The main character's child is abducted during a family vacation and murdered. The story is about his journey to forgive God (for allowing it), the killer, and himself.
Post by salutations2you on Aug 6, 2009 4:02:52 GMT -8
Oh I loved the Shack!!!
what an awsome book!! And the flack this author is receiving from the hard core fundementalists is just rediculous!!
Remeber the phrase from the book "I'm especially fond of you" I loved that!! , I interpreted this as Insert each and every name here... it is just such an expansive love eh?
thankyou so much for responding to my post.. I needed to hear , or needed validation, for strength ... I KNOW!! seperating was something I had to do .... I know in my deepest being that I am doing the right thing...
I've got to work through these thoughts and feelings of mine, which make me think somehow I have a sense of duty a sense of responsibility to a marriage....which is already dead
oh and there are scars... I am not mad at him, I am mad at me for staying so long and enabling it... you see i am as guilty as he is
I need emotional healing..... thankyou for responding
Post by siouxsiexloveless on Aug 6, 2009 9:44:09 GMT -8
Oh yeah, I've struggled with this concept too. We're supposed to forgive and forget. But I can never seem to forget the hurts. Does that mean I have failed to forgive? And shouldn't the other person EARN forgiveness, instead of having it bestowed upon them? For me, at the moment, forgiveness is like trust: something that needs to be earned. Saying forgive and forget sounds so dismissive, and seems to exscuse bad behavior that should be punished.
My brother threw something at me once and injured me. The next day he apologized and I told him I forgive him. After that he started throwing things at me and hitting me more and more. Was saying "I forgive you" the wrong thing? He treats me with no respect.
Post by salutations2you on Aug 7, 2009 3:22:02 GMT -8
I hear you, My husband would apologise to me, then turn around and do it again and again.... got to the point for me that I just stopped trusting him, to my way of thinking a sincere apology means you don't do the action or say the offense again
I just stopped listening to his empty apologies , because to me it was just another form of abuse..