Will I ever be whole Aug 9, 2009 20:18:01 GMT -8
Post by holly301 on Aug 9, 2009 20:18:01 GMT -8
I don't remember when it started. I know I told my mother by the time I was 12 and it had been happening for a long time. She kicked him out of the house for a few days but let him come back and told me if it ever happened again to tell her. It happened again and again and again and again...she knew it happened but I didn't tell her again I couldn't take the pain of her choosing him over me again. I don't understand how she could let me stay in that..she didn't even do anything to try to protect me, she left me alone with him all the time, I think she knew when he got out of bed at night and came to my room. This didn't stop until I went to college. He actually ask me just before I got married if I would "let" him do it again..as if I had let him all that time. Had he forgotten all the times I begged him to stop, the times I tried to run and get out of the house. I still get chills and start to feel gross and dirty just talking about it. I have been to counseling off and on am seeing someone now. I have worked through most of my anger with him, I realize he is sick and something awful must have happened in his childhood....his three brothers all molested their daughter(s) too. But my mother how could she choose him over me. That is what I can't get past now. As far as the extent of the abuse he raped me. I don't have a clue how many times. My mind has blocked so much of it out, in doing so it has caused me to loose a lot of my childhood memories. I believe this part of my life is the reason I craze love or what I perceive as love.