Post by winter on Aug 10, 2009 17:10:23 GMT -8
Hi guys,
Wow its been a while. I have had many light bulb moments since being here. Then relapsed bad I guess. I do not think NC works for me. The more I do NC with my POA the more I act out with others and the more I fantasize and whoa is me about him and think how much in love I must be if its been this long and nothing positive has come out of it. Then the cycle starts over. Sorry for the run on sentence. I realize this and try to restrain myself from becoming attached to anyone but its just happens. Even if I don't like the person much.
I need to find a healthy phantom to transfer my torch to, but it is near impossible with no response from them. If your imaginary person or phantom gives you no false hope, no contact, no nothing, and no reaction or actual response, how do you become infatuated. You can't fantasize about a future or life with something you know isn't real. We may assign non realistic qualities but the person still exists.
I have written about a phantom before and I have shared it on this board as well. I fantasize about having a fantasy phantom but don't actually have one besides in dreams.How does one transfer from real to fictional when that is our problem to begin with? We live off ideas and and false hopes that people give to us , even if its them just walking down the street and us not knowing them.
This imaginary thing isn't working very well. If I get no reaction I push and move on to the next one I can. If they give me too much I again run to the next one hence the ambivalence... So how can an ambivalent LA and TB get any satisfaction from nothing. Every POA I have had has been real regardless of the imaginary qualities I give them, they still some how feed. I can't seem to assign anything to something I know isn't real. Yea I can day dream but it leads me back to my POA.
The only time I can really love my phantom is in my dreams when I have the dream and everything seems real to me. I have physical contact and the works in my dreams. My day dreams are 1 thing but when you sleep dream you aren't' aware that you aren't in real life like you can when day dreaming and acknowledging you are just fantasizing. I hope that makes sense. I fantasize about dreaming the dreams I rarely have but i can't stick with just that because its rare and it doesn't feed me enough.
I started trying to work on lucid dreaming thinking I can find triggers that make me dream about this phantom, however at the same time I feel like if I realize I am in a dream it will ruin the fantasy so I stopped working on LD.
I am at loss.I leave you with my write.
My Lovely Dream Phantom
Please come back and visit me tonight.. take me a way and this time don't let me wake...
In the distance but still focusing
A dark smoke filled floor
Lights of unknown beaming from the background
Smoke forming into pink clouds 2 feet from the ground
2 silhouettes appear
rising from the floor black as night
facing each other
dancing surreal
a whimsical waltz
I look up from the distance to a face so familiar
a slight grin to appear..
"You are so beautiful" I chant
I'm now in that distance
A wonderful high
Dancing with a distant friend
"I found heaven in you
yet its so dark and tempting
I feel your Star lit Juices flowing through my own
Could heaven and hell coexist?
My lust and this delicious feeling
kill me , slay me, I am yours!
But have you the tolerance..
have you the intelligence..
Can you fathom this strange love?"
and then he spoke, My perfect perfection...
"Your ways are strange dear
I created your mind circuitry
You were mine from the beginning
your thoughts and dreams I admire
For I am your seductive Cheshire
your piper at the psycho gate
Please come love our kingdom of Lunacy awaits
Our carnival of chaos
our Palace full of joker like menial
I will forever grace you with their fictional
our reality
My love, you see.. we were meant to be
I am all you have known"
A deep breath, a sigh and a slight grin
I close my eyes and feel it begin..
My eyes slowly wither
My arms wrap around but nothing is there
I'm holding nothing again
Your body explodes into tiny heart shaped confetti
cartoon like dripping dreamy blood
My night gown now covered
Music coming from the walls
"One slip and down the hole we fall"
I look up.. I see the light
I realize the speed
"There'll be no sleep in here tonight"
Wow its been a while. I have had many light bulb moments since being here. Then relapsed bad I guess. I do not think NC works for me. The more I do NC with my POA the more I act out with others and the more I fantasize and whoa is me about him and think how much in love I must be if its been this long and nothing positive has come out of it. Then the cycle starts over. Sorry for the run on sentence. I realize this and try to restrain myself from becoming attached to anyone but its just happens. Even if I don't like the person much.
I need to find a healthy phantom to transfer my torch to, but it is near impossible with no response from them. If your imaginary person or phantom gives you no false hope, no contact, no nothing, and no reaction or actual response, how do you become infatuated. You can't fantasize about a future or life with something you know isn't real. We may assign non realistic qualities but the person still exists.
I have written about a phantom before and I have shared it on this board as well. I fantasize about having a fantasy phantom but don't actually have one besides in dreams.How does one transfer from real to fictional when that is our problem to begin with? We live off ideas and and false hopes that people give to us , even if its them just walking down the street and us not knowing them.
This imaginary thing isn't working very well. If I get no reaction I push and move on to the next one I can. If they give me too much I again run to the next one hence the ambivalence... So how can an ambivalent LA and TB get any satisfaction from nothing. Every POA I have had has been real regardless of the imaginary qualities I give them, they still some how feed. I can't seem to assign anything to something I know isn't real. Yea I can day dream but it leads me back to my POA.
The only time I can really love my phantom is in my dreams when I have the dream and everything seems real to me. I have physical contact and the works in my dreams. My day dreams are 1 thing but when you sleep dream you aren't' aware that you aren't in real life like you can when day dreaming and acknowledging you are just fantasizing. I hope that makes sense. I fantasize about dreaming the dreams I rarely have but i can't stick with just that because its rare and it doesn't feed me enough.
I started trying to work on lucid dreaming thinking I can find triggers that make me dream about this phantom, however at the same time I feel like if I realize I am in a dream it will ruin the fantasy so I stopped working on LD.
I am at loss.I leave you with my write.
My Lovely Dream Phantom
Please come back and visit me tonight.. take me a way and this time don't let me wake...
In the distance but still focusing
A dark smoke filled floor
Lights of unknown beaming from the background
Smoke forming into pink clouds 2 feet from the ground
2 silhouettes appear
rising from the floor black as night
facing each other
dancing surreal
a whimsical waltz
I look up from the distance to a face so familiar
a slight grin to appear..
"You are so beautiful" I chant
I'm now in that distance
A wonderful high
Dancing with a distant friend
"I found heaven in you
yet its so dark and tempting
I feel your Star lit Juices flowing through my own
Could heaven and hell coexist?
My lust and this delicious feeling
kill me , slay me, I am yours!
But have you the tolerance..
have you the intelligence..
Can you fathom this strange love?"
and then he spoke, My perfect perfection...
"Your ways are strange dear
I created your mind circuitry
You were mine from the beginning
your thoughts and dreams I admire
For I am your seductive Cheshire
your piper at the psycho gate
Please come love our kingdom of Lunacy awaits
Our carnival of chaos
our Palace full of joker like menial
I will forever grace you with their fictional
our reality
My love, you see.. we were meant to be
I am all you have known"
A deep breath, a sigh and a slight grin
I close my eyes and feel it begin..
My eyes slowly wither
My arms wrap around but nothing is there
I'm holding nothing again
Your body explodes into tiny heart shaped confetti
cartoon like dripping dreamy blood
My night gown now covered
Music coming from the walls
"One slip and down the hole we fall"
I look up.. I see the light
I realize the speed
"There'll be no sleep in here tonight"