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Post by estrela5 on Aug 19, 2009 13:55:12 GMT -8
Shame is that dark, powerful feeling that holds us back. Yes, shame can stop us from acting inappropriately. But many of us have learned to attach shame to healthy behaviors that are in our best interest.
In dysfunctional families, shame can be tagged to healthy behaviors such as talking about feelings, making choices, taking care of ourselves, having fun, being successful, or even feeling good about ourselves.
Shame may have been attached to asking for what we want and need, to communicating directly and honestly, and to giving and receiving love.
Sometimes shame disguises itself as fear, rage, indifference, or a need to run and hide, wrote Stephanie E. But if it feels dark and makes us feel bad about being who we are, it's probably shame.
In recovery, we are learning to identify shame. When we can recognize it, we can begin to let go of it. We can love and accept ourselves - starting now.
We have a right to be, to be here, and to be who we are. And we don't ever have to let shame tell us any differently.
Today, I will attack and conquer the shame in my life.
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Post by bushbiyu on Aug 19, 2009 17:00:21 GMT -8
In therapy today I wanted to work on anger but we ended up working on shame. I love this post Estrela.
My therapist drew a triangle on the board. She put perpetrator on one corner, victim on the other, and rescuer on the last corner. She said in dysfunctional families sometimes these three roles are recycled. The perpetrator takes the place of the victim, and the victim tries to rescue the perpetrator, and the rescuer gets overwhelmed and becomes a victim and so on and so on.
She told me that this is how I deal with relationships. I can only see those three roles. She then asked which role was the best one. I said, "The rescuer", because the rescuer was DOING something good at least. She told me that NONE of the roles was good or healthy. The rescuer, perpetrator and victim are not taking responsibility for themselves.
I started to cry because I felt such shame. When I started working on the steps I thought my shame was tied into all the horrible things I did because of my addiction. But that shame was deeper. It was attached to me reaching out for love. Growing up shame clung to any actions that involved me being myself. Shame was wrapped around the reaching out for what I needed, the feeling good about myself.
I thought God couldn't possibly love me, because I was so horrible. Today I finally started understanding this.
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