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Post by bushbiyu on Aug 22, 2009 7:20:44 GMT -8
I've been reading other's posts about not being able to let go of the anger toward their PoAs. I don't feel anger toward him or my mother or anyone. I look at them as victims, too, of their own addictions and emotional turmoils.
I do feel angry, though, towards God. I don't know why, but everytime I start thinking about the steps I want to pull away and not focus on the ideas of spirituality. I start fantasizing about my PoA again and I know that what I'm doing is distracting myself from the work. I feel bad about this.
How do we "forgive" God? (if that even makes sense). Dropping my son off at school I looked around at all the little children standing in the line. They were so cute with their backpacks and little socks and shoes. I thought, "I was just a kid!!" All the mess that happened to me and I was just a little kid. I didn't know how to deal with all that stuff. The burden was just so great. Why? Why?
I felt angry because if God wasn't punishing me, then why put me through that? What did I do wrong? I feel like I can't move forward until I get past this. Any thoughts would help.
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berly
Junior Member
"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."
Posts: 65
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Post by berly on Aug 28, 2009 14:10:08 GMT -8
Your question about why God allowed you to go through what you did as a child is one that a lot of people ask (I have too). When we look at our circumstances or even other peoples', it IS DIFFICULT to reconcile God's love with our broken hearts. My belief is that God as I understand God understands your anguish more than any other human could, and since God's essence is love, He must be even more angry about the injustices you have suffered; yet, I am thinking that none of us will ever be truly free until we can forgive those who can't change history. Seems we can only surrender our questions to God and just admit your anger to God......and your fear that if you really do reach out to God, what if you're let down again? What do you have to lose by crying out, raging, letting God have all of your emotions around your past? I hear your pain. I am in pain too. But God is my lifeline.
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Post by bushbiyu on Aug 29, 2009 7:28:00 GMT -8
Thank you, berly.
This is the same advice my therapist gave me. She told me to give all my anger and rage and pain to God, because he was bigger than those things and he could take it.
This morning I did this. I raged, I cried, I didn't scream, but I wrote it down and gave it up. I thought about all that had happened to me (what I could remember). And I thought about all that I've had to go through in life. I felt such pain, like a wave. No shame, just anger and pain. In my imagination all that anger was locked in a room and I had to open the door to this room and face it.
Afterwards I just sat there. I'm exhausted and I feel... blank, empty. I looked in the room, though and there's so many things that are good. So many things I never thought of that are wonderful. Like my children, the love I do have for my mother and even EJ (my PoA), and the good times we've had. All those things aren't lost. And all those things come from God, too.
I don't even know how to describe what I feel completely. I've never been in this place before.
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berly
Junior Member
"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."
Posts: 65
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Post by berly on Aug 30, 2009 16:31:17 GMT -8
Thank you for sharing your experience. It brought my heart joy to know that God's love is showing up in the midst of your pain. It is true that we can choose to focus on what IS good in our lives even though we grieve for the losses that we have experienced and still experience. There IS so much good to be thankful for. The best thing with God is I never have to worry that He can't handle my emotions and my honesty. Thanks again for sharing your heart. You are in my prayers.
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Post by bushbiyu on Sept 5, 2009 7:20:59 GMT -8
Keep praying for me, please Berly!!
I'm in a bad place. It's like onions, the more layers I peel back the more I find. I need help with my mother (she has mental illness) and I don't know how to find it or deal with the situation. I read Temita's post (in the recovery section) about how our addictions are always about US and not us in relationships and while it was so uplifting, I'm really scared.
I know to go to God with this. I know to give him what I feel, even my fear. Making those steps toward that, though...
Thank you again, berly, you are in my prayers, too!!
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Post by richardv on Dec 24, 2009 19:42:47 GMT -8
F**K YOU GOD! Why do i deserve this...WHY??? I've been absolutely crying my eyes out all week about W. She used me for sex when I was at my most vulnerable place and had already set a 90 Day NC. Then when I wouldn't go all the way with her (I'm sorry I like her husband too much) she was insensitive bordering on mean with me until I took her back to "our meeting place." Then she returns none of my phone calls forthree days so I set a 6 Month NC. Tonight I went to a Christmas Eve Party with SLAA people and C is there. I had obsessed about C for 3 months and tried to avoid her and finally tried to make peace with her by writing her an amends letter-which my Sponsor thought was "self centered & self serving"-alright I learn by my mistakes (I honestly meant well.) Tonight I tried to talk to C and she just walked right by me, would not look at me, and said nothing! OOUUCCHH!!! I finished my 7-Up and bolted out of there and was absolutely wailing as I walked the blocks in the pretty hilly neighborhood and on my entire drive home. My entire visit at the Party was maybe 10 minutes  When I got home I was crying so hard I was hyperventalating. I took a half a xanax and two trazodons so I can just SLEEP soon. Why GOD do I need this much abuse and deep emotional hurt and abandonment in two days???!!! |
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godsguy
Full Member
Prayer Requests
GOD IS LOVE!
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Post by godsguy on Dec 25, 2009 21:07:48 GMT -8
God doesn't give punishment where punishment isn't needed for better change, but he does give grace where grace isn't deserved. It is that grace which allows forgiveness for ourselves and for others. That forgiveness is the first step toward self-love. Self-love is essential for healing.
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Post by richardv on Dec 26, 2009 16:02:37 GMT -8
thanks godsguy...i believe the best way I can forgive C is to honor and respect her unspoken NC around me-I can stay away from the two weekend evening meetings I've seen her at-seeing her might trigger some self-righteous anger and of course my Love Addict is convinced that C is "the One" I want to Love Forever...around W-I miss hearing her voice lusting for me last weekend, seeing her face and I miss her friendship...I suspect the best way to forgive her is to realize she may be suffering from one of my Addictions (Sex) and pray for her and stay away from her (I drove by her house twice, but have deleted her e-mails and forgot her phone number
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Post by ok2bme on Dec 26, 2009 18:37:50 GMT -8
Richard,
I've read your post, not believing it's God doing this to you. Instead believing it's a faith in a HP that will give strength to get through it. If you think God is doing this to you, it will be unlikely that you will turn to an HP for strength, just what the disease would like you to think, you are hopeless...not true.
Very good on respecting her needs for NC if you are unable to respect your own needs at the time. When you do need NC you don't want to be hated for it either, it's just a step to take to get better, for both perhaps.
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Post by richardv on Dec 26, 2009 19:07:22 GMT -8
thanks ok2bme, I really was in tremendous gut wrenching pain when I wrote that other post, but am grateful to see the big picture now and am willing to forgive (actually it's more about MY EXPECTATIONS and NEEDINESS) C. I suffer from Love Addiction just as she does and earlier used a self -serving "Amends" letter (unseen by my Sponsor), when what I really wanted her to know how beautiful I thought she was.
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Post by ok2bme on Dec 26, 2009 23:42:38 GMT -8
I understand...it seems that in my goodbyes & apologies I am often hoping for just the right words that would bring him closer...it never happened though...well maybe for a moment but never more.
Glad you are seeing more of the big picture.
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Post by bushbiyu on Jan 2, 2010 9:45:18 GMT -8
There is still anger inside of me. A few weeks ago I raged, not at God but at the man who hurt me when I was little. In therapy we pretended that he sat on the chair and I screamed and hit the pillows and took myself, my innocence back.
I felt so alone last night, ashamed and scared that I had once again turned to PoA to fix me, give me a fix, once again pushed for sex. I cried and cried, ashamed, and afraid.
I felt so alone, so angry at having to be alone again. My idea of God is not a religious one. God is my HP, providence, the ability to see the correct path, the strength to take the risk of change. Like someone on the board said once, God or HP can be anything you need it to be, even the doorknob that helps you open the door. This morning God lead me back here. He was there with me last night, making me realize I wasn't ready to be around my PoA. God was right there on the bed even though I couldn''t look, and God will be with me later today, tomorrow the rest of my life.
Holding on to that helps me in my anger and hurt. I can't undo being hurt as a child, I can't change the bad history, or snap my fingers and stop being a love addict, but I can hold on to God when I need. Even full of sadness, self-hatred, anger, frustration, loneliness and pain. God is always, always there.
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Post by dawnbelieves on Jan 5, 2010 7:29:00 GMT -8
It is really hard to not be angry at God for the things that we go through because we know He has the power to stop anything and everything. So why did He let it happen? One thing that we have to try to remember is that he does not cause bad things but He can use them for good. You are needed somewhere and maybe that is the reason He allowed these bad things to happen. Someone may need a person to help them that has been through it all. And you have...you can understand. So let God comfort you so that you can comfort others. You have an understanding of life that many other people do not have. Read the first chapter of 2 Corinthians.....it helped me when I was battling my anger toward God. It may help you. If it doesn't help just don't stop searching. Don't stop praying. It is hard but you will come through. Even when it feels like we are alone we are not. God has awesome plans for us that we may not understand just yet. Be blessed, ~Dawn~
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vee25
Full Member
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Post by vee25 on Jan 26, 2010 2:48:41 GMT -8
I am still terrified of my anger and can't bear to look at its ugly face. I feel pain about the past when my mother ignored me because she was ill with depression, I feel incredible pain about this, i blamed myself for not being good enough, if i ws good enough she wouldn't be so unhappy. I cried about this and felt the pain for the first time last night and thats been held in for 15 years.
I felt so much anger last night about the way my ex behaved by sending inappropriate messages to other women and i felt like it was because I wasn't good enough that he needed to do this. I know it really has nothing to do with me but my mind tells me it MUST be me really and i have to face the fact that i'm not good enough. I don't really believe this but my anger comes out at myself because i don't let it out properly.
Please help me God to stop attacking myself. NONE OF THIS IS MY FAULT and i have a responsibility to myself today to take good care of me and love myself the way you want me to be loved.
I had a flash of anger just then after writing that at God for letting me keep all these painful feelings in all this time and for the fact that i continue to do it. I know i am responsible for my feelings and behavior but i am so scared of saying who i am and what i feel. I have learnt from my mother to shove everything down and not talk about my real feelings and i want God to free me of this.
Please help me God, help me to have my feelings and to be able to express them in a healthy way, or for now maybe just to express them and the healthy way can come later once i've started to get all this stuff OUT OF ME.
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Post by moonlight on Feb 8, 2010 15:31:58 GMT -8
I'm feeling very angry and I want to connect to god. I feel so angry because I feel so humiliated and hurt.
I need my internal mother for this. I need someone to tell my inner child that the world is crazy sometimes and some people are very sick and I can trust myself and my gut instinct. And that I've done well.
Not everyone can be trusted. HP, please help me protect myself in this matter. And give me inspiration on how to act differently to these people so that they don't feel so threatened by me. I can be very direct. That can come across agressively.
Anyway, higher power, please help me.
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Post by moonlight on Feb 9, 2010 12:52:33 GMT -8
Today I don't feel very angry anymore. What a relief. Thank you god.
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