Post by deloessian on Sept 1, 2009 11:57:12 GMT -8
I am a torchbearer and have been for most of my life. I'm 34 years old and actually have a pretty normal life. I've been married 10 years. I have 2 sons and my life is really nice. I love my husband very much and he treats me so well. Which is why I have tremendous guilt regarding my love interests.
I guess you can chalk it up to unrequited love in my youth that might have done it to me, but when someone shows the least bit of interest in me, I immediately start feeling attracted to him. It has never come to affairs; I couldn't ever cheat on my husband. Can you imagine the look in my children's eyes if they ever found out? But it is painful emotionally.
There have been two major loves in the time that I have been married besides my husband. One was a mentor at my job. He was married as well. He was just wonderful. Beautiful and smart (I love them smart) and just a great person to talk to. Though we never, ever "did" anything, I believe the feelings were mutual. Five years after meeting him and spending 8 hours a day with him, he and his wife moved. The pain was awful, but I hid it well. I hide it well. I will occasionally get emails from him, or hear about him through a friend and it's amazing at what a good actress I've become. I can put on a front like no one. Act as if it doesn't bother me, but inside my heart breaks.
The second torch is still around. I actually quit my job to get away from him. It sounds really upstanding and such, but I feel like it was the cowards way out. Again, beautiful and smart. He and I had great conversations. Talked about everything. I was so torn up when his wife got pregnant... "How can you do this to me???!" Like it was me he was cheating on. We still talk and have coffee and it is agonizing. I want to be around this man so much, but I know it's wrong. My head and heart are in constant battle.
What really amazes me about myself and my audacity is that my husband is wonderful. And I do love him. And he makes me laugh and we have great times together. And we make wonderful love. Why can't that be enough for me?! Why can't I just love my husband? Why do I always need more? Will I ever be satisfied? How big is this hole I have to fill?
I'm wondering how long I can keep this up without being totally broken inside by the time I die. The pain from the guilt I feel ebbs and flows, but when it comes on I feel like I should just tell my husband that he really should get far away from me and find someone that will do right by him emotionally. He'd probably say something like, "What do you need me to do?" in his wonderful way.
Thanks for listening. Back to work.
I guess you can chalk it up to unrequited love in my youth that might have done it to me, but when someone shows the least bit of interest in me, I immediately start feeling attracted to him. It has never come to affairs; I couldn't ever cheat on my husband. Can you imagine the look in my children's eyes if they ever found out? But it is painful emotionally.
There have been two major loves in the time that I have been married besides my husband. One was a mentor at my job. He was married as well. He was just wonderful. Beautiful and smart (I love them smart) and just a great person to talk to. Though we never, ever "did" anything, I believe the feelings were mutual. Five years after meeting him and spending 8 hours a day with him, he and his wife moved. The pain was awful, but I hid it well. I hide it well. I will occasionally get emails from him, or hear about him through a friend and it's amazing at what a good actress I've become. I can put on a front like no one. Act as if it doesn't bother me, but inside my heart breaks.
The second torch is still around. I actually quit my job to get away from him. It sounds really upstanding and such, but I feel like it was the cowards way out. Again, beautiful and smart. He and I had great conversations. Talked about everything. I was so torn up when his wife got pregnant... "How can you do this to me???!" Like it was me he was cheating on. We still talk and have coffee and it is agonizing. I want to be around this man so much, but I know it's wrong. My head and heart are in constant battle.
What really amazes me about myself and my audacity is that my husband is wonderful. And I do love him. And he makes me laugh and we have great times together. And we make wonderful love. Why can't that be enough for me?! Why can't I just love my husband? Why do I always need more? Will I ever be satisfied? How big is this hole I have to fill?
I'm wondering how long I can keep this up without being totally broken inside by the time I die. The pain from the guilt I feel ebbs and flows, but when it comes on I feel like I should just tell my husband that he really should get far away from me and find someone that will do right by him emotionally. He'd probably say something like, "What do you need me to do?" in his wonderful way.
Thanks for listening. Back to work.
