Why does she look so toxic

holly, I read your question. I am pondering it. My God is able to do above and beyond what I ask or think. You are in my prayers.

Holly,

I'm doing inner child work with my therapist too. I have only one little niki though. I don't really know how she looks, but when I go down to the dark place I don't want anyone near me. It's like if my therapist gets close to me I start to panic and get afraid. I feel dirty and bad and I am afraid I will hurt the people around me. I tell my therapist to go away from me. Yesterday my therapist said it was the first time I allowed her to be close to me. She said I was brave, too because this was the deepest I ever gone and staying down and allowing one's self to feel the pain instead of running away is incredibly difficult.

I just wanted to share this with you. I hope you can see how brave and strong you are to allow yourself the exploration of these deeper emotions. Keep up the good work!!

Holly, you have not lost your mind! If anything you're going sane by working through this stuff.

I had to split myself into two people on the couch. One was little niki and one was Big Niki. Big Niki is always in control. She takes care of her children and her mother. She gets bills paid. She does what needs to be done. Little niki is scared mostly and afraid to come out. She hides and she won't look at anyone.

Before I would be Big Niki and talk about what little niki was going through. This last time we reversed the roles. I stayed little niki and let Big Niki sit on the side of the couch. This way I could come out but have Big Niki besides me to give me strength. It was so hard. I felt so terrified. But leaning on Big Niki really helped me to stay in the emotions and be present with my therapist.

I know exactly what you mean when you say Rachel is in control most of the time and not the healthy part of you. Name the healthy part, make her real, picture her and tell Rachel to talk to her and trust her.

And holly, you can PM me anytime you need if you want to talk about it. I don't talk about inner child work with anyone else either. They wouldn't understand. But I know how important it is for my own recovery.