Re: Susan's post

Thank you so much for your fast reply.
Is strange how as a torchbearer I can recognize that it is just a very intense "crush". An infatuation with that person, but that in reality I would not be happy in a relationship with that person. However, as a relationship addict and co-dependent I always think that I could make it work with the person that I'm with.

Richard and gmoll, listen to Susan, she is so right!!

Richard, you might want to try an exercise. Find a picture of woman is very attractive to you. Look at her picture and let yourself start fantasizing about her. After the fantasy gets good, take a moment and look at the picture and ask yourself about the REAL woman. What is this woman's name? What does she like to eat? What are her goals or dreams? What is her personality? Don't try to answer those questions, just allow yourself the understanding that you do not know the answers. You know nothing about the real woman, she is just a picture of something beautiful in a magazine.

I had to do exercises like this to start separating reality from fantasy. I read in another thread that you are limiting eye contact and that is helping. I think this is good, but it doesn't really solve what goes on in your head. I think what Susan means is that you need to work on stopping yourself in the fantasy BEFORE it gets out of hand. It starts by becoming aware of what is happening.

gmoll, I'm like you. I get so frustrated because the thoughts keep coming. I think, too it is a habit. By working on self-esteem, and the underlying reasons we'll find that we don't need it. And by consciously being aware and thought stopping we'll eventually break it.

Susan, in another post I read how you still keep a fantasy man. At first I didn't agree with this. I wanted to get to a place where I didn't use fantasy at all. But when I tried that I felt devastated and suicidal. I hope what I am trying to do (controlling my fantasies and not eliminating them) is correct and not another delusion (see my fantasy sobriety post). I'm at day 3.

Susan, what is transfer and why are torchbearers only capable of it?

Oh, Susan, I understand it, now. I thought it was addiction to fantasy. But I see that I just find object after object to experience limerance.






This is me, too!! Even a young girl I had desperate crushes on boys. These crushes always lasted until the next one and often for years afterward. One boy, I met in the 7th grade, I fantasized about until I was 23. And I did that too, stay completely enamored with someone until I fell in love with someone else.

I still feel such strong limerance for EJ, my PoA. I won't allow myself to fantasize about him, though. If I do then I consider it breaking sobriety for me. This is because the minute I allow myself to go into those feelings it starts to swing into an deep obsession and then I'll try to contact him.

I feel good now and relieved about all of this because I didn't understand why I just couldn't find a way to let go before. I'm going to the library at my school to check that book out.

Sometimes when I need to stop a dangerous fantasy, I picture myself in the hands of giant man with wings. He flies upward and carries me through the night into light of the moon. I'm very small and safe and warm inside of his hands.

We really are lost unicorns... such dreamers, aren't we?

Thanks again, Susan. I feel so much better now about what I'm doing for recovery.

Your story sounds a lot like mine. I hope one day you can tell your husband about your addiction. It has really helped me. Keeping secrets makes the addiction worse and it is avoiding true intimacy, which is what you need to get over this addiction.

If someone notices an attractive person while out, no, they don't need to tell their partner. However, if they are having inner turmoil on a regular basis because of "crushes", keeping it to themselves is only going to make things worse.

This has been my experience at least.

Welcome to the board, otherwise =). I would suggest just reading as much as you can and start learning. Start doing the steps. Like I said, your story sounds similar to mine, so don't hesitate to ask any more questions.

Besatt said: "Your story sounds a lot like mine. I hope one day you can tell your husband about your addiction. It has really helped me. Keeping secrets makes the addiction worse and it is avoiding true intimacy, which is what you need to get over this addiction. "

I'm not so sure that it's the best/right thing to do to tell your spouse about your addiction especially when it comes to torchbearing.

I had 2 affairs at the same time, fell deeply in love with one of them who is my POA...and separated from my husband. Long story but what I'm getting at is that I told my husband about my love addiction. I sent him links, tried to explain without using it as an excuse. All it did was make him angrier. I wanted him to know that it was me and had nothing to do with him as a husband. Now, months after separation, we are finally having civil email contact.

What I'm saying is..yes, honesty is great, but not all people are willing to accept our truth. Love addiction maybe and after the fact...but torchbearing - I don't think so. How would you react if your spouse told you. "I adore this girl...am crazy about her" but it really doesn't mean anything, hon. It's just my obsession talking...No, it is not our fault that we feel this way. And yes, we should talk about it to therapists, friends etc. but I think speaking about who and that we hold torches for could potentially damage a relationship that is otherwise healthy.