I'm scared to see the child inside of me

gratefulheart
Full Member

Posts: 231

I'm scared to see the child inside of me Oct 8, 2009 20:26:34 GMT -8

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Post by gratefulheart on Oct 8, 2009 20:26:34 GMT -8

I have just realized that I am a love addict and torchbearer. I have been reading this forum about how to get in touch with the inner child who is holding onto the fantasies of "someday" love and won't let go.

I am scared to see my inner child. I have been separated from myself for so long that my inner self seems foreign, scary and almost like a separate entity. if you have seen the movie, "the ring", seeking my inner child, actually fills me with terror that i will see the sick, dirty, angry, desperate child who looks like a monster and who hates me.

I was in bed last night, allowing my mind to drift into the depths of myself and i saw the flash of one of the children inside me, at about 13 or 14. she had panties draped around her ankles and she was trying to keep her legs closed. ( you see, i was raped by my uncle at 14) she was rocking herself, back and forth, sobbing uncontrollably and her eyes, probed mine. but she would not look at me for long. she just kept her head in her arms. and she does not trust me.

i'm scared to go back and talk to her. maybe she will be angry at me that i've neglected her. she has been in shame for so long and i just exploited her and never gave her what she really needed: love.

Last Edit: Oct 8, 2009 20:27:09 GMT -8 by gratefulheart

Angel Elder Member Junior Newcomer Greeter "How you treat ME is YOUR karma, how I REACT is Mine!" Posts: 930	I'm scared to see the child inside of me Oct 10, 2009 5:29:03 GMT -8 Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Back to Top Post by Angel on Oct 10, 2009 5:29:03 GMT -8 Dear Grateful Heart, You have already started your healingi journey. Give yourself a big hug! We are here for you
	"Love doesn't have to hurt - If someone loves you, it should feel like they love you!"

strummergirl
New Member

Posts: 29

I'm scared to see the child inside of me Oct 10, 2009 6:02:43 GMT -8

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Post by strummergirl on Oct 10, 2009 6:02:43 GMT -8

Hi Grateful Heart (love your name, by the way ;D)

Thank you for posting this. I am so sorry for what happened to you, what you should not have had to endure. And I hope you can find healing and reconnection with that part of yourself.

I am also a torchbearer who holds onto fantasies of "someday love". This is the first time I've heard that phrase, but it fit instantly. Your post helped me because I'm in a similar place of fear right now regarding my "inner child".

For the first time, I'm just beginning to see the connection between my inner child, and why I'm drawn to the same kind of sick relationships over and over again. It's just a glimmer but I know I'm heading in the right direction. I'm in therapy, and I've just started with a new therapist after 8 months with another therapist. What happened with the last therapist - both good and bad - has brought me to a place where I can finally see my inner child. And my new therapist knows how to help me go there.

I thought I was ready, but the fear of going there surprised me. When I'm in session with this therapist, and I feel that sad little girl welling up inside me, so far I've pushed her back down because I'm afraid of being overwhelmed. Because it's not just sadness I'm feeling, but also rage, loneliness, helplessness. It feels like it's going to engulf me. But it is so obvious to me that this is where that longing of "someday love" is coming from. I have to work through this grief to get that little girl back. I don't want to go there alone, so I'm building this relationship with this therapist so she can help me through it. She does a type of therapy that creates a "safe space" in which to experience these feelings while she stays with me so I won't have to be alone. It will take time to build the trust but I finally have hope of healing.

On a more humorous note, considering how "scary" it can be to do inner child work, sometimes I look at the "Precious Moments" picture at the top of this website and think it's too cute to be a symbol of inner child work. You mentioned a monster...I had thought maybe Freddy Kruger would be a better fit for how it feels, at least on this side of it.

Maybe the Precious Moments is a symbol of what's "really" there after we work through the scary stuff.

So thanks again for posting about this, Grateful Heart...it helps to know I'm not alone in my fear.

SG

Post by gratefulheart on Oct 8, 2009 20:26:34 GMT -8

Post by Angel on Oct 10, 2009 5:29:03 GMT -8

Post by strummergirl on Oct 10, 2009 6:02:43 GMT -8