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Post by lotus on Dec 4, 2009 17:11:25 GMT -8
I think I am recovering and starting to have have healthy self worth.
I used to be on one extreme of excluding almost everyone from my life because of low self esteem. I was afraid of rejection and abandonment so I rejected everyone so they wouldn't reject me.
Then I went to the opposite extreme in some ways. I let anyone become my friend, regardless of whether it was good for me.
Now that I'm recovering, I am learning to distinguish who I should let be in my life and what friendships to pursue. I let go of or become casual with those who are not healthy for me, and I work hard to deepen relationships with those who are healthy for me.
BTW, this includes my family too, because I am an adult now...I don't have obligations to any member of my family. We only have obligation to our minor children.
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new hope
Junior Member
You must first have a lot of patience to learn to have patience.
Posts: 85
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Post by new hope on Jan 2, 2010 11:19:14 GMT -8
Besatt,
I really like what you have to say about distinguishing which friendships to pursue, and which ones to let go of/ go casual with. I want to work hard to deepen relationships that are good for me too. It was a very helpful post. Thanks!
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seekingserenitynow
Full Member
3rd time with No Contact is feeling better every day. The obsessing is cooling WAY down. :)
Posts: 194
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Post by seekingserenitynow on Jan 2, 2010 12:27:06 GMT -8
This is an area I really struggle with too!!! Let's all keep talking about it, comparing notes....!  |
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new hope
Junior Member
You must first have a lot of patience to learn to have patience.
Posts: 85
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Post by new hope on Jan 3, 2010 12:20:29 GMT -8
How do you spot healthy people? Where might you find them? What are some easily recognizable traits?
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Post by geedee on Jan 3, 2010 12:34:46 GMT -8
now that I've realised I'm a LA and have got into recovery, I've come to the realisation that most of the people I know are unhealthy and in unhealthy relationships...
greta
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Post by ok2bme on Jan 4, 2010 13:36:02 GMT -8
I've done the isolating thing, then assuming certain people to be my friends, although they never said it or proved it. Neither is good. I don't know how to make friends really but I am becoming more aware of my feelings again & this should help with my judgement if I allow my feelings to have worth again.
My marriage was based on his way or the highway...my addiction to my PoA is based on the same...actually, my mom was like that with me & others too & often it was the highway.
There has always seem to be consequence or threat of losing the person I love if I share unagreeable feelings...so ESPECIALLY with my current PoA I WOULD NOT share them. I've had a lifetime of proof that I'd lose him dare I say he did something rude to me. Last night, I did it. I told him what he did really hurt my feelings. Now I know very well, he's not interested in my feelings but I felt like it was no longer right for me to bottle them up just to keep him. I don't want to lose him with everything I have, but I've seriously lost myself. Since I can't have him in reality...I decided it's time to start finding me again.
With friendships, I'd say have a very lovely small group of friends that I see mutual value in maintaining. With new friendships I would like to give & recieve on a more balanced level.
I'm thinking my PoA will not make the cut if I'm truely taking care of my best interest. Building my life toward happiness includes healthy friendships too. Good point.
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Post by geedee on Jan 4, 2010 13:48:29 GMT -8
ok2bme,
my poa always used to threaten to log off if i started talking about feelings or making unrealistic demands on him ( like expecting him to reply to my emails at least once a day or let me know if he was busy doing something so i wouldn't be hanging on all day.)
just before i hit rock bottom we were chatting on webcam and for the first time in a year and a half he actually saw me without that idiotic smitten smile on my face. he told me he'd log off if i didn't smile. he NEVER smiled, maybe once or twice on cam in months.
i was close to tears and was really tired of being a femme fatale all the time. it was time to stop. time to cut my losses and move on. He was happy to stay friends and used to get annoyed when i unilaterally decided to initiate NC and he had to sit around until i was ready to talk to him again. His words.
But he wasn't the one that was dying a slow death. there's only so much you can give to someone that is not willing to give anything back. he believed he was giving and that was dedicating his precious time to me. and he was as much as he could i suppose. but i wasn't thriving any more.
you don't sound as if the highs are making you feel good about this relationship. it's not in your best interest to settle for the stuffpy sstuffs any more and you know that. Just as I knew it when I finally decided to put an end to the hell I was living.
when i tried NC on many occasions i also found that my so called friends weren't there for me. even my closest friends told me to get a grip. only by coming to these boards did i find true understanding and acceptance. that has also allowed me to stop talking about my addiction to people who really don't understand how painful and humiliating this whole relationship has been for me
greta
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Post by ok2bme on Jan 4, 2010 14:48:45 GMT -8
Greta,
Thank you so much for sharing about this phase of realizing the highs just aren't cutting it anymore. The dying slowly is a well put analogy. I know my PoA feels that what he gives is adequate for the deal, and maybe it is, but I have told him what my wants were from the beginning & he never heard me or attempted to please me. What is really hitting me today is the fact, I told him all along & HE never heard me...I NEVER HEARD me either & I NEVER HEARD he will NOT BE FILING MY NEEDS, not matter how many times he tried to show me, I would not pay attention, because I'd have to let go. I'm paying attention now & it's coming to an end. My ability to stay checked into reality will help me get there more than anything. The dream of what could be will not be enough for the strength needed to hang on no matter what.
I'm thankful to hear that you really did come through this & not find another spec of power to hang on to something that is so painful. I am powerless, I want to know that. There is nothing more I can do. I want to really accept that & let go. I want to live again!
In friendships & relationships the balance is so important from the start, I'm learning.
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Post by mybestme on Jan 4, 2010 17:31:17 GMT -8
Besatt...
I didn't see this post until just now....balance really is key.
But, wanted to tell you that what you said about being an adult and our only obligation being to our kids was really important for me to hear right now. I often get caught up in what my parents want for me and from me and what my siblings need from me. I'm almost forty for gooness sakes. I will never abandon anyone, but I need to remember your important reminder here.
Thank you.
MBM
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new hope
Junior Member
You must first have a lot of patience to learn to have patience.
Posts: 85
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Post by new hope on Jan 9, 2010 7:38:43 GMT -8
I like what you all have been saying about balance. That is not my strength. I fluctuate from one extreme to the other. Either in too deep and obsessing, or I completely shut down and shut everyone out. I need to be in balance and in that middle ground.
I also relate with having to make new friends, but not really knowing how. I am trying though. For me, my therapist said I need to make male friends. I have too many female friends, and that is how I get into these POA relationships, even though I am married. So I have been trying to make new male friends. It is tough!
When I have found guys who I think might work, and be healthy, I have asked them to do "guy" stuff. Go to a ballgame, or go golfing. It is working, slowly but surely. I have forgotten that more "normal" friendships don't blossom overnight like unhealthy codependent POA ones do. These relationships take time, patience, and nurturing. Kind of like growing a plant I guess. So I am trending in the right direction, but progress is slow. We might hang out once a month. (I have two male friendships I am trying to grow)But that is better than no friends 0 times a month!
Let's keep talking about this!
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Post by Havefaith on Jan 9, 2010 16:12:49 GMT -8
Balance is a struggle for me as well. Must be an addict thing! I love male energy, and seek it out. Of course, as a female sex/love addict, that can be downright dangerous for me. I am very blessed, however, to have a best girlfriend who keeps me grounded, knows all about my addiction, and keep me balanced. I also am hyper-aware to keep strict boundaries.
New hope - yes progress may be slow, but it is PROGRESS, not regression! You are headed in the right direction.
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softy
Junior Member
Posts: 56
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Post by softy on Jan 9, 2010 20:28:18 GMT -8
Wow! I didn't realize that others have trouble making new friends and developing those friendships. I am a very outgoing person as far as first meeting someone, or seeing them for a short period of time, like at Church, but then developing a relationship any further than "hello", I can't do it. I am very insecure and feel I have nothing to offer, so I don't work on friendships. I only wanted to be close to my PoA and I shut everyone else out.
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Post by moonlight on Jan 10, 2010 5:18:28 GMT -8
This is my central question in evaluating my past relationship (that ended this week):
are my expectations too high or did I choose the wrong man?
Love, Moonlight
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new hope
Junior Member
You must first have a lot of patience to learn to have patience.
Posts: 85
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Post by new hope on Jan 13, 2010 19:21:49 GMT -8
Softy,
I am a lot like you. People I just meet, or I have a weak acquaintance with, I have no problem being funny and outgoing with them. But I too don't think I have a lot to offer in a new/deeper relationship. I feel like I will be a burden and suck all the fun and joy out of the other person because of my issues, and me not being comfortable in my own skin. Who would want to hang out with a person like that?
I guess other sick people maybe!!
Moonlight,
Hard to answer your post because I don't know which past relationship you are discussing. Is it your past relationship with your POA? When we are not healthy ourselves, we tend to attract/seek other unhealthy people, so that might be a place to start looking.
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