Imagery

Okay, this makes my toes curl in shame but I get the point of this now. I've been thinking about it since coming to the board and I realise a few things. I wanted to be my POA. There were things about him I didn't have. I'd been a "good" girl all my life, sexually anorectic all through my 20s, I was an artist in a garret being amazingly creative but not making money. Sex and money were real problem areas for me. Then I meet my POA a huge sex and money addict and was hooked. He manifested the things I denied, and I guess my sexual innocence and creativity were things he didn't have either, but whatever. I wanted the things he had. In recovery I've had to start providing those things myself, and it's been so hard to stop trying to get them externally. It's a process to become sexually mature when I was so avoidant of intimacy, it's a process to learn how to make money when I'm an underearner.

Connecting to a HP has not come naturally to me at all, and I still think of myself as an atheist and perhaps always will, but I did start to pray and hand my will over, and I do that every day now, if it works, work it

And that is what I've done, along with meetings and steps and trying not to obsess and doing service etc, all to try to break that connection with my POA and have a life. MY life. And life is so much better, it's miraculous really. But, I know that at a deep level I am still connected to my POA. It's not that I obsess every day, I don't, but I'm here on this board because I do need more help, I just know it. I'm in therapy too and work hard in therapy, always have. I just am a torchbearer. I am what I used to be in contempt of in other women. The terribly sad women in slaa meetings who just couldn't let go of some awful useless prat for years and years. I'd roll my eyes at them, as they just couldn't get the programme, nothing shifted for them. And here I am, a fellow torchbearer. Sigh.

So l've been trying the phantom lover thing, and it works. It works! Cried last night doing it and I see from my image how desperate I was as a child to be protected, the image I have is of a protector, and I'm crying now writing this, because it's such a simple child need, and if this is what will help me heal, so be it. Who cares if it seems naive. Overcame my total disdain for 12 step as a place full of god huggers because I had to go back to get well, so if my child wants a warrior prince riding around mongolia, she can have just that. Thank you to Susan if it was you who came up with this idea. Id never come across it before, and if it unplugs me from the very toxic protaction of my POA then I am very very grateful. Primrose.

Hey good girl thanks for the prayers, very welcome today!. Xx

Best luck Angel with working on the money! i find my underearning is SO connected to my love addiction. I'm working the steps in a money fellowship (very slowly though) but my instinct is that really breaking the psychic connection with my POA will bring about a shift with money. Such powerful stuff! I hope we'll both be very prosperous in time