Post by gratefulheart on Dec 25, 2009 9:22:37 GMT -8
i'm an ambivalent torchbearer who has so far, only felt safe, intimately, in my fantasies or by having my blinders on about someone.
I have passed the torch between 3-4 POA's for the longest time. I knew there was something really wrong inside of me when i would either lose interest once I got my validation or when i would take my "in love" feelings and just pass them onto someone else.
I have been transferring the torch of "true love" between 2 POA's for the past year. The most current POA, whom I have NOT had NC with because we have a healthy friendship where he is emotionally available to me.. ended up reciprocating the "in love" feelings but only much stronger than i had even imagined.
All of my years of fantasizing about romance, true love, heroic men, etc.. He seems to be the whole package and he approaches love in the very ways I have always fantasized.
The crazy thing is that, i was completely convinced that he was the only one who could love me so truly and deeply that once I had him, I wouldn't be afraid of emotional intimacy and love. I was literally sobbing, thinking that If i could just get him to turn my way, I would have finally found peace at last.. that all of torch transferring hadn't been for nothing. That one of the guys happened to fit the "glass slipper".
Well, He turned my way and almost like a light switch going going off, I became anxious, fearful, turned off, confused, overwhelmed, disgusted, mistrusting, ashamed and I want to run away.
so it got me thinking. This addiction is a very powerful, deceptive thing. It has had me at many moments in my life where I was ready to give up anything and everything for "the one" my heart seemed to be telling me was worthy of my life, would make everything ok.
I think now that intimacy with a man is really the last thing on earth i really want or can handle. Sadly, the true intimacy I can experience is in my fantasies or when i believe or know deep down, my POA will never stay or is unavailable on some level.. because truth is, I am unavailable. i feel like my heart is in bondage and my addiction tries to convince me i've thrown out the key.
not this time, love addiction. i'm getting wiser and i know the deceptive games you play.
I have passed the torch between 3-4 POA's for the longest time. I knew there was something really wrong inside of me when i would either lose interest once I got my validation or when i would take my "in love" feelings and just pass them onto someone else.
I have been transferring the torch of "true love" between 2 POA's for the past year. The most current POA, whom I have NOT had NC with because we have a healthy friendship where he is emotionally available to me.. ended up reciprocating the "in love" feelings but only much stronger than i had even imagined.
All of my years of fantasizing about romance, true love, heroic men, etc.. He seems to be the whole package and he approaches love in the very ways I have always fantasized.
The crazy thing is that, i was completely convinced that he was the only one who could love me so truly and deeply that once I had him, I wouldn't be afraid of emotional intimacy and love. I was literally sobbing, thinking that If i could just get him to turn my way, I would have finally found peace at last.. that all of torch transferring hadn't been for nothing. That one of the guys happened to fit the "glass slipper".
Well, He turned my way and almost like a light switch going going off, I became anxious, fearful, turned off, confused, overwhelmed, disgusted, mistrusting, ashamed and I want to run away.
so it got me thinking. This addiction is a very powerful, deceptive thing. It has had me at many moments in my life where I was ready to give up anything and everything for "the one" my heart seemed to be telling me was worthy of my life, would make everything ok.
I think now that intimacy with a man is really the last thing on earth i really want or can handle. Sadly, the true intimacy I can experience is in my fantasies or when i believe or know deep down, my POA will never stay or is unavailable on some level.. because truth is, I am unavailable. i feel like my heart is in bondage and my addiction tries to convince me i've thrown out the key.
not this time, love addiction. i'm getting wiser and i know the deceptive games you play.
