A week of standing up... | A Brighter Tomorrow Today

ok2bme
Elder Member

Posts: 644

A week of standing up... Dec 26, 2009 13:01:08 GMT -8

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Post by ok2bme on Dec 26, 2009 13:01:08 GMT -8

My self esteem has really been tested from the outside. I already have low feelings behind my uncontrolled bouts behind my addiction. I've had a hopelessly low self esteem behind being unable to understand what took over me...and him. It's been embarrassing at times to say the least.

ON top of that, last week someone that new about us, thought it was a good time to tell several other co workers. The things that come back to me are not really nice. My PoA is a known womanizer & people are discussing my poor judgement, including the person that decided to open my 'addiction' for discussion. I've had a very tough week dealing with the actual addiction & then on top the embarrassment of judgement. I do not even know how I got through the week at work. Thankfully my focus has been to get better in sticking with that no matter what I have found strength and realized a few things....

1. I'm an adult.

2. I did not open this discussion with my co workers so it's not my place to close it or defend it, I'm not obligated to be involved.

3. It has not been a proud moment to fall madly in love with someone that is a known womanizer, but I have been ill & did not know it. That is nothing to be ashamed of, it's been a very painful ordeal, self inflicted or not.

4. If a friend or co worker suffered like I have, I would be compassionate, I have in other situations & that is something I feel good about. What this girl did to me was extremely heartless...but I forgive her, she does not know or care about the depths of my despair...& if she would do it anyway, her hurts must be far more than mine.

5. I've been good to my co workers & although some may have been surprised by my judgement, they remain to be kind & keep their opinions limited. Some only comment on how bad this guy is for me...which is taken as a form of concern.

6. I will get better & I will do better, I will make better choices for myself in the future. I'm sure of that if I stay on this path. So although it's not a proud moment at least when I behave more soundly it will be measurable. & people that care about me will be happy & people that don't will still find fault in me.

7. My best is good enough.

I made it through the week & well, ended up standing up inside. I was doing my best at the time & I can live with that.

geedee
Guest

A week of standing up... Dec 26, 2009 14:00:09 GMT -8

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Post by geedee on Dec 26, 2009 14:00:09 GMT -8

of course you'll get thru this ok2bme.

my POA was a self confessed philanderer, and a real player as my more worldly wise friends kept telling me. it took me many many months to accept that he wasn't worth it and didn't deserve me, triangle or not.

you might find the need to open up to your coworker(s) in time. maybe not.

we're all here for you whatever you decide. and you know we can all empathise as we know all about the embarrassment and low self esteem. the shame even.

I spoke to my coworkers tho' because some of them are actually my close friends. They went thru the whole process with me. the highs, the lows and then the discovery that I was in fact a love addict.

i honestly think it helped me to explain my bizarre behaviour to somebody - at least to those that were aware of my EMA. my insane behaviour was so out of character that i was almost relieved to discover it was caused by an addiction.

Hang on in there.

I feel for you ok2bme. take care and be good to yourself.
greta

ok2bme
Elder Member

Posts: 644

A week of standing up... Dec 26, 2009 17:30:57 GMT -8

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Post by ok2bme on Dec 26, 2009 17:30:57 GMT -8

Greta,

Thank you for being here for me. This actually started by me opening up to a co worker that had been sharing much of the same thing for 7 months. She was identical in so many ways. We started to explore ideas on getting past this, right before I found LAA. Somewhere in her desire to be connected to her PoA & his friends which are co workers, she decided to go into the details of our discussions...not mentioning hers.

She also felt entilted to my PoA admitting our affair, so to prove to him it was ok to talk about it, she repeated our conversations to him as well. When I confronted her on betraying our trust on something so sensitive, she yelled at me that she was just trying to help me...um not sure how telling our office & outside workers about our conversations was in my best interest. It did NOT come back to me as an attempt to be protective, unless, calling me a phsyco woman is a term of compassion, but that is her stance.

I am the first to admit my thinking has not been rational over this guy, but it may be a long time before I trust a co worker like I have her. What was most deceitful was her constant sharing of similiar actions & feelings for months. I really did not think she would cross this line.

I'm so thankful I can now have a safe place to sort this addiction out & understand it, without being humiliated or shunned.

mybestme
Elder Member

Posts: 521

A week of standing up... Dec 26, 2009 18:36:03 GMT -8

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Post by mybestme on Dec 26, 2009 18:36:03 GMT -8

ok2bme...I think you sound like you are dealing with all of this really well and very maturely. You ARE still standing and surviving. That which doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. Keep up the good work....now in learning about POAs, you are also learning about who to trust...in the end you will be a better, stronger, wiser and a more compassionate person. Good for you.

“Be not the slave of your own past-plunge into the sublime seas, dive deep, and swim far, so you shall come back with self-respect, with new power, with an advanced experience, that shall explain and overlook the old.” Ralph Waldo Emerson

winnie
New Member

Posts: 1

A week of standing up... Dec 28, 2009 15:54:50 GMT -8

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Post by winnie on Dec 28, 2009 15:54:50 GMT -8

hey oktobeme, I really liked the list you wrote, it was measured and honest. I really admire this.

The only thing I would say is that the trouble with your situation is that you have to focus ALOT on your POA and this is obviously counter-productive to recovery. I don't really encourgae long posts about POAs, I accpet yours was different however I think its time to make that list of things to dow ith youa nd your recovery and only you. Lets leav ePOAs and work out of this, now where are you?

keep posting

w