Tips from recovered torchbearers / avoidants?

I used to go through periods of avoidance, and I would definitely consider myself an ambivalent love addict (i also carried many torches in my earlier years). I think a great part of my problem (which I never really wanted to admit) was that I was simply immature when it came to taking care of myself. I spent most of my life avoiding life's responsibilities by either hiding behind a relationship or attempting to get out of one or simply whiling away the hours in fantasy mode. These are all emotionally and mentally immature acts which are self-defeating. I further stunted my growth by refusing to get real and take on responsibility in the way of a career (notice how I am talking more about responsibility and NOT any relationship?). Once I was forced into having to take care of myself and my children, via a divorce, I grew up pretty darn fast. And when you grow up and have a better sense of who you are and what you want, you tend to attract better quality people. Once you are healthier and you are attracting a healthier mate, you suddenly have no need for fantasy, torchbearing, avoiding people you probably had no interest in in the first place and love addiction. They are defense mechanism that no longer work for. You suddenly work for you

As for my bottom line, I have since set the bar MUCH higher. I have a distinct set of VALUES that I live by and I really only have close relationships with people who share my same values (i.e. no drugs, no dishonesty, no drama, etc.) I have been in recovery for over two years and my current bf and I will be celebrating our one year anniversary in January. One year, in love with the same man, without any pain, suffering, doubt, drama or weirdness has NEVER IN MY LIFE happened to me. So this is a huge achievement and a very good reason to shoot for recovery! Feel free to visit my blog: currentlyundefined.wordpress.com/

Hope this helps.

I would suggest learning about avoidant personality disorder. That was really helpful for me. I've learned so much from this point of view. The main thing I've learned is to (1) discern who is healthy for me romantically (luckily, my husband) and friendship-wise, (2) recognize when I am trying to subconsciously run away due to fear of rejection, embarrassment, or engulfment, and (3) challenge myself to not run away and let the anxious feelings come and go.

For example, I have discovered that I have a tendency to get antsy after socializing for a couple of hours and I want to go home. So, I challenge myself to stay.

Also, fantasizing and obsessing about people is just a way to avoid intimacy. It is safe for us avoidants. We have to challenge ourselves to find healthy people and let ourselves be vulnerable around them.

I have found with my LA, that people that I get addicted to become very easy to be vulnerable around, but it always turns out that they are not healthy to put my trust in. It seems that I have a hard time being vulnerable around healthy people.

Hi feeling crazy,

I would say I am an am ambivalent torchbearing loveaddict. I too can't commit but have needed NC with the very unavailable men who were never going to commit with me. I too am now in a healthy relationship.

It has taken an immense amount of work - this is the bottom line. It is a journey with no quick answres. It has menat sititng with some very very uncomfortable feelings ( doing the right thing means sititng with feelings that feel all wrong, just because they are plain alien to our unhealthy patterns). It has definately meant growing up and taking reasponsability for my life and choosing to live ( I echo T). I am achieveing my goals at long last, I was always too afraid and let the pain of my unavailable life =rule, whilse keeping available at arms length for quick fixes.

Addiction of any kind is an avoidance of life and living, its aboiut losing control that we can in fact take back at anytime when we choose to. Its all about you. This is core. You are the amaizng person at the center of the world, only you can make things happen. Its hard, but worth it.

I don't know where you are in recovery but commitment is paramount.


Keep posting !!


best wishes

winnie

Wouldn't call myself recovered, but have come a long way with my avoidance in my marriage. I couldn't listen to my husband really, I zoned out automatically, I just couldn't be present when he started speaking. Obviously not all the time! But it was there. I struggled with seeing my husband as he is, seeing his beauty and seeing what a wonderful man he truly is, I hid how much I cared about him from myself with my avoidance. I think in my marriage I was running from intimacy in overt ways and now run in subtle ways, and recovery is a process of slowly taking down the blocks inside towards more intimacy. How has it happened? I guess just de-toxifying bit by bit from my childhood abuse. Therapy helped, mostly primal therapy because it got me truly in touch with my body, and then the steps in recovery because they are dynamite.