Post by bushbiyu on Jan 2, 2010 9:21:29 GMT -8
I had been self-isolating (again), angry over my inability to express myself with people, and lack of skill at maintaining healthy connection.
My PoA came back. I was happy and excited, he talked about being friends, he accepted my boundaries, and he made light of what had happened between us in the past (I was beating myself up over it - last summer he had had to call the police to make me leave). I felt like my eyes were open, you know. These were my bounderies, too, no going over there, no drinking, distance, no obsessing. I was following them, too and it felt good, healthy.
Well last night I asked him for sex. I found myself, pleading, pushing, all the same things I had done before and it came of out the blue, like what? why was I doing this, where did it come from, who was this woman on the phone? He got frustrated struggling not to give in to me, (I think he really wants to be honest friends even though he has issues) and we ended with me saying that I was not ready, that maybe down the line we could try again.
Later, after some soul searching, I realized that I wasn't fine with him. I haven't forgiven myself for my former behavior, I was looking for him to forgive me or make it right, and even though I was not obsessing over him, I was isolating, making him my entire social world, and being dishonest with myself about my own feelings of discomfort.
I feel good now, like I've found a piece of dignity. I did wrong in pushing him, but I did right in recognizing how I wasn't ready to be around him and I feel good that there may exist a possibility for true friendship. But I don't want to be friends with him in the future if it is bad for my stability or recovery. I can't, I'm worth more.
I think this is self-esteem. Seeing yourself, as you are, the good and bad, and dealing with it realistically. I don't hate myself this time because I messed up. I just know that I need more time to heal. And that's okay. I can give myself time. I am allowed a few weeks, months, even years if need be to learn and grow, and become the person I need to be.
My PoA came back. I was happy and excited, he talked about being friends, he accepted my boundaries, and he made light of what had happened between us in the past (I was beating myself up over it - last summer he had had to call the police to make me leave). I felt like my eyes were open, you know. These were my bounderies, too, no going over there, no drinking, distance, no obsessing. I was following them, too and it felt good, healthy.
Well last night I asked him for sex. I found myself, pleading, pushing, all the same things I had done before and it came of out the blue, like what? why was I doing this, where did it come from, who was this woman on the phone? He got frustrated struggling not to give in to me, (I think he really wants to be honest friends even though he has issues) and we ended with me saying that I was not ready, that maybe down the line we could try again.
Later, after some soul searching, I realized that I wasn't fine with him. I haven't forgiven myself for my former behavior, I was looking for him to forgive me or make it right, and even though I was not obsessing over him, I was isolating, making him my entire social world, and being dishonest with myself about my own feelings of discomfort.
I feel good now, like I've found a piece of dignity. I did wrong in pushing him, but I did right in recognizing how I wasn't ready to be around him and I feel good that there may exist a possibility for true friendship. But I don't want to be friends with him in the future if it is bad for my stability or recovery. I can't, I'm worth more.
I think this is self-esteem. Seeing yourself, as you are, the good and bad, and dealing with it realistically. I don't hate myself this time because I messed up. I just know that I need more time to heal. And that's okay. I can give myself time. I am allowed a few weeks, months, even years if need be to learn and grow, and become the person I need to be.
