Post by sinovialosev on Mar 5, 2008 11:17:25 GMT -8
I broke up w/ my first and only bf of almost 2 years about 3mos ago and the depression that was subdued while we were together has come back. At first it was centered on him and no matter how much we discussed and agreed that we weren't a good match, I couldn't (and sometimes still can't) stop obsessing about getting back together. And I was the one who broke it off! I was ok with it all until he started seeing other girls, and then I think I started to realize how real it all was. I have periods where all I can think about is killing myself and how. More recently it has been because i'm so afraid that I won't ever find a meaningful relationship that will last. I know I will find other serious relationships, but the thought that those relationships could and probably will end is more than I can stand.
I've been shuffled out of the psychology/psychiatry system even though I know I'm really depressed and am sometimes suicidal. I go back and forth a lot and even wound up in an ER, but they just deemed a follow up necessary and by the time I got to the follow up I was composed enough to seem happy and ok. I told them I wasn't, but I think they thought I was just being overdramatic.
Post by Rainbows Always on Mar 5, 2008 16:25:37 GMT -8
Hi there. thankyou for trusting us.
Have you told a friend or family member who can look out for you.
Have your told your own Dr?
In Australia I know that the Mental health System sux. I have family members who are cops and so have admitted to hospital many suicidal at risk patients who are then discharged 2 hrs later.
I am a nurse and over 20 yrs I havent seen much help for these patients and my ex worked with homeless youth who were often suicidal. On many occassions he took a patient to ER after a suicide attempt, only to have them released again.
That is insane. Some of them are successful. And the system fails them
The only thing I can think of is (over here anyway) can you voluntarily commit yourself to a mental hospital if you feel you are at risk. I think maybe they may see you as having some insight or see you composed and so dont see you as a threat to yourself. When In fact it is people like yourself who do need help.
Have you explained it to your Dr exactly as you have explained it here?
Please dont hurt yourself. Do you really want to kill yourself?/ Or is it that you just want the pain to stop, and so death then to you feels like the only option to get rid of the pain??
Have you got a therapist,one pref dealing with love addiction? Is there a recovery centre near you? Can you fly to one ie "The meadows" not sure where that one is?/ use the hotline if in imminent danger to yourself.
Working with a therapiost is vital. There may be other stuff contributing to your enormous feelings, other than that of being a love addict.
Hang in there. We are here. read the posts, read the books, we are here to help. Pls let us know how you feel tomorrow.
Take one day at a time. or one hour at a time. Ring a friend or the hotline every hour if you need to.
Do you pray? You can always pray for a Higher power to help you. For me I know this works.
You are not alone with your depression, and there are people out there who can help you. I am so sorry to hear that so far you have not been really heard.
Many people suffer from suicidal feelings, and go on to make full and lasting recoveries. Also, on this site you will have support from people who know what it is like to go through what you are going through. We know how intense that pain can be.
You are a precious person, and at the moment you are suffering from a much misunderstood disease. Keep asking for help - can you ring an emergency hotline for support? I don't know what you have in the US, but in the UK we have an organisation called the Samaritans, who are skilled in recognising and supporting people feeling as desperate as yourself.
I have felt near suicidal in the past, but it passed. This will pass for you too! Hold on and keep posting. If you feel able, read on these boards how desperate others have felt and how they are recovering now.
Post by Susan Peabody on Mar 5, 2008 17:31:01 GMT -8
I hope they did not try to imply you were being overly dramatic. That would be unethical. If you are putting that label on yourself you should not. Depression is a serious disorder and should be treated as such. If you like to read there is a book called The Noonday Demon. It is an atlas on depression. It is thick but thorough. Welcome to the board. Keep posting. We look forward to hearing your story.
Post by sinovialosev on Mar 6, 2008 14:39:32 GMT -8
I'm doing ok, not great but I'll be fine. I've decided to move by Apr.1st and I'm excited about that. I'm moving 3 hrs away to Santa Cruz; I don't know anybody there but I can keep both of my jobs and it's such beautiful area. It's the perfect time of year to move as well. Thank you very much for your support. I will come back if I do worse again.
Post by Susan Peabody on Apr 19, 2008 16:45:23 GMT -8
When I get depressed I sleep with my 90-day supply of hydrocodone and fantasize about death. But then I think of all the people that my suicide would hurt. Please do not give into the compulsion to end you life. Tell us more about what is upsetting you. Call someone. Go to the hospital if need be. My boyfriend just broke up with me so I am fighting depression myself. Take care . . .
I would never say I know what you are feeling like, because no one really does, but I have been in a similar situation only recently. Last Monday I finally felt so bad that I sat down - and I didn't tell anyone or warn anyone - and had a bottle of liquor and a bunch of sleeping pills...I ended up in the hospital. It was bad, and all it did was really screw me up. I guess I didn't really want to harm myself, as I did end up calling 911, but I thought I did. In the end, it did nothing but add more complication to the mix. It did get me some attention, but I really couldn't tell anyone that I had been trying to harm myself. I'm still recovering from that. It's not worth it - take it from someone who came pretty close to trying something really crazy (in the end, I didn't really try that hard...I guess I was just crying out). Even now, I feel like the hurt and the obsession will never end...But I have to face up to it. It is the hardest thing I've ever been through in my life.
Hang in there. Coming here has really helped me - I wish I had found this before last Monday. Read posts, post something, and you can even send me a message if you want. If I, and all the other people on here, can get through it, you can too.
I feel suicidal and I think that if I didn't have my children then I would do it. This is not because of the man but more because I hate myself and just can't bear to be constantly feeling like this.
I've been so upsett that I've wanted to cut myself but I can't bear to think of them finding me. I don't think I want to die, I just want to stop feeling like this.
My boyfriend is horrible to me. Constantly going away for days without contacting me and it's literally driving me insane. I then look into his private e mails and such and find things. Just like little flirtatious things, nothing concrete but I convince myself that he's doing me wrong. I can't gt in touch with him and even if i did confront him, he would lie.
I'm much too giving to him and he has done this many, many time and my friends say that it's because I let him and I agree with them but for some reason I can't let go. I can't except that he doesn't want me. Why is that? I'm a n intelligent professional woman who can give great advice to people in need but can't take it.
I'm also completely paranoid. I see all knds of Doctors and attend therapy but there's something in me that won't let me get better. The last time I split up with my boyfriend I had to take 5 months from work and I'm scared that that will happen again and i'll loose my job, my house, my children.
I want some time away from my self and that's why i want to die. I nearly did it an hour ago and then stopped myself as I knew my son would be back soon. Can't bear that thought. So I came on here but can't be on here for ever.
Hi cantescape, Glad you are here and talking about it. You're right, it would be horrible for your children if you committed suicide. They would have years of stuff to work through. It's not a pretty thing. It sounds like you have a lot of insight and have given this a good deal of thought. That is what's so crazy about love addiction, all the insight and knowledge we have is never enough to ward off these intense all encompassing experiences.
There is help here on this site. We post and read and begin to see ourselves and our situations in a different way.
That means we begin to feel differently. It hurts so bad now and then one day it begins to get better....
I hope that you continue to choose to live. I know that some people will die from this addiction. There are other options.
There is a solution. You don't have to do it alone, they way out is outlined on this board. Read, read, read about recovery and the steps.
We're here for you. Keep posting. bluebird.
Last Edit: May 3, 2008 15:10:42 GMT -8 by bluebird
I drove out on friday evening and got into a minor accident.That depressed me.
I spent time with POA on saturday and as you may know from previous posts I am in a toxic friendship.
Anyway we go to her parents place and visit for a while and she just leaves with old friends of hers.Without telling me where she is going or asking if id like to come along.I felt betrayed and,abandoned and left out.So I left and went home.
Yesturday I told her that i think she was extremely rude by just leaving me there.She didnt react.And I just had it.I so want to tell her to get lost.I dont know how to do that.How do I know that I wasnt over reacting??? Why doesnt she reply to my messages.I hate being where I am.The pain in deep and I pray to GOD but it seems that HE isnt very close these days.
Hi Candee, first, let me say, I hear your pain. I hear that you have felt it before and that it is a place you don't want to be.
Learn new skills. New ways of seeing and experiencing what is happening. So that no matter what happens you will know that you are OK.
that said, you don't have to tell her anything. just walk away. if you go to the store and ask for a red shirt and they only have yellow what do you do? walk away and find a store that has red shirts. that's it. you don't die because the first store doesn't have what you want. you commit to finding it for yourself and keep going till you do. you might even discover that you have a perfect red shirt already and didn't even know it.
hang in there candee, your miracle is waiting for you. bluebird
i love what bluebird said. She said it best. Part of recovery unfortunately is wanting to be healthy but not knowing how. And that can be hugely Frustrating. Are you over-reacting to this situation? Who knows. Maybe that's not the question you should be asking yourself. Ask instead, is this person generally good to me? How often? Or is she generally mean to me? How often?
Based on your answer, you make a decision as to whether she should stay in your life.
Sometimes as LAs we do cause our own pain. We DO over-react. It's our nature to do so because we generally cannot trust. We don't have a healthy perspective on NORMAL stuff because we never learned it. And NORMAL stuff includes ups and downs. It includes friends and loved ones sometimes being nasty and not putting us first. That being said, take this time to soothe yourself. Repeat over and over: I am not going to take it personally.
You are good, Candee. You are worthy of love. You are worthy of care. Give it to yourself as you would your own child. Hang in there. Suicide is not the answer. HOPE and RECOVERY are the answer. YOU ARE THE ANSWER.
Last Edit: Aug 5, 2008 8:29:31 GMT -8 by LovelyJune
I am posting for the first time, I have been reading online here for a year now, full of shame, I feel suicidal, crying alot and sick to my stomach, like I am in constant withdrawal -but then the feelings pass. I get the courage to do something to heal, but the will does not last long-a day or two. Then I go back into victim mode. I have not posted my story, I am afraid, afraid to be alone, and afraid to really be present in my marriage and myself, to really live life. I had an emotional affair and it was/is easy to blame my husband for all the pain, but I think I have been on antidepressants for 10+ years and have felt sad and alone all my life, love starved. I am afraid to be my own person, but when I do try, i end up going back to my old ways, expecting him to fill my every need and looking for that passion. I don't really even know what normal is. My body hurts with emotional pain.
Hello Present, Welcome and congratulations on your first post. I understand how shameful, hopeless, sad and alone you are feeling. You are not alone on this board, as there are so many that have felt similar to what you are feeling.
Thanks Bo, I needed to hear that. I started step one today, I am really struggling with needing to know if I am really in love with my husband -this is my main obsession to keep me from taking care of me. I need to realize that it does not matter and that its my life I need to save and not to live through him. I can only control myself. I find when I try to deal with my painful feelings, I get stuck in them for a day or two and I am non-functioning, then slowly the mindset changes and I am thinking clearly. My emotions overwhelm me to the point of home bound digestive disturbances and constant crying. It is a wonder I keep my job. Is it normal to have to remind myself a million times a day that I want to overcome this? My magical thinking wants instant gratification.
Present, you are off to a great start with your Step 1. Good Job! If you can, introduce yourself at the Newcomers Posting and let us know your Recovery Goal. There are so many others here to share with you, just as they have shared and helped me. You will find the answers to the questions you are stuggling with...you'll see the Truth, keep posting.
I worked the LA Steps on this board and the one thing that really helped is that I tried to be as honest as I possibly could with myself. It was hard, becuase in my addiction, I had been lying, covering up and hiding for so long, but being honest here really helped. It looks like that is what you are doing. Keep it up!
Thanks for posting and it helps me to read: "It will work, if I do the work!" AWESOME and True!