Post by nick1980 on Apr 16, 2008 13:09:22 GMT -8
Hi,
I'm new to this sort of thing, but I'm trying to figure out what is going on with me.
I think I've been a love addict of some sort for as long as I can remember, going back to my first relationships in my early teenage years. It always seems to manifest in some sort of serious obsessive way - I obsess about whoever I am with. When I was younger I sought out people who would "deal" with this behavior and my obsession over them and who actually would reciprocate this back to me. As I've gotten older (I am 27), my last few serious relationships have been with people who wouldn't really deal with this about me. One of them lasted a very short time and was disasterous. Another one actually lasted three years, but I guess I didn't really "get over" this problem when in that relationship, even though she would call me out when I got too obsessive. I have been single for a year and had actually not wanted to get in a new relationship, but decided that I might be ready. In January, I got in a relationship with someone and immediately reverted to my obsessive behavior. She suffers from depression and her instinct is to "run" if things get too "heavy." And I always push things into getting too heavy very, very quickly. So a couple months into it, we were heading towards a collision, and she wanted to "take a break" for a few weeks, which we did. She came back and we have "restarted" our relationship, and I am trying my best to curb these obsessive behaviors. I don't want to lose her. I don't think I sit around actually thinking she's the only one for me, but I do love her and I would like to stay with her. But since we got back together, I've been incredibly depressed, and I can't figure it out.
The obsessive nature I've dealt with has always made me grapple with feelings of worthlessness in relationships, and self-defeating behavior, etc. But this has gotten really bad. Since we got back together, I have not been myself. I have had severe insomnia. I can't think straight, and I am always thinking about her and thinking things are wrong. I seem to cry all the time now, almost every single day. I can't eat - I have eaten very, very little in the past few weeks and lost nearly twenty pounds. I've been trying to be a good boyfriend for her, and that has meant me trying to curb these obsessive things - but they are still there. I am just not letting them "out" into our relationship. I don't want to run her off (which I have done to other relationships before) and I don't want her to feel bad. But internally, it's tearing me up.
Monday night, it finally came to a head. I don't think I sat down and made a decision to try to harm myself, but I had been giving out red flags, saying quasi-suicidal or self-destructive things to my girlfriend and my best friend. I actually felt kind of "serene" Monday night, and I had been taking sleeping pills in increasing quantity over the past few weeks as I was having trouble sleeping. I know it had crossed my mind that if I was going to harm or kill myself, it would be by taking sleeping pills and going to sleep. Monday night, after I told my girlfriend goodnight, I had a few drinks. Then I took sleeping pills, and I have no idea how many I took, but it turned out to be an enormous amount. Very quickly, I deteriorated - I began hallucinating, I dried out very quickly, I couldn't stand or speak, and my heart was beating wildly. I ended up calling 911 and having to be rushed to the hospital. My heart was beating into the 200s, my blood pressure skyrocketed, I was severely dehydrated, my potassium levels were dangerously low. I had to spend the night in the ER. They wanted to keep me longer to make sure I didn't harm myself any more, but I eventually decided to come home. I did call 911, after all - if I wanted to die, why would I call for help?
So now I'm left in the wake of that experience and wondering what to do next. If I wanted to kill myself, I would have laid down and let it happen instead of calling 911. I haven't told my girlfriend or anyone else what really happened - about the overdose - and instead just told them about the trip to the ER as being part of my not eating or taking care of myself lately (which was actually where a lot of the problems they found once I got there came from - being malnourished etc.). I didn't sit down to overdose, and I have no idea how many I took; I honestly didn't think I took *that* many.
I don't know what to do next. Why am I being affected like this? I'm not in a relationship where the other person is "feeding into" my behavior, like I've done in the past. She genuinely cares about me and tries to help. I know there's something wrong, and I'm not afraid to see that there is something wrong. But I don't know what it is or how to "fix" it.
After the attempt, I am forced to sit here and wonder "what next?" Obviously I can't continue the self-destructive behavior; it almost killed me, and I obviously stopped that from happening, so now I have to figure out where to go from here. Do I end the relationship? Would that help? It seems like I create drama, or I try to convince her (and I've done this with other girls) that she'd be better off without me...even though I don't *want* that to happen. Why would I do that???
I need help...and would appreciate any help anyone could offer. Thanks.
I'm new to this sort of thing, but I'm trying to figure out what is going on with me.
I think I've been a love addict of some sort for as long as I can remember, going back to my first relationships in my early teenage years. It always seems to manifest in some sort of serious obsessive way - I obsess about whoever I am with. When I was younger I sought out people who would "deal" with this behavior and my obsession over them and who actually would reciprocate this back to me. As I've gotten older (I am 27), my last few serious relationships have been with people who wouldn't really deal with this about me. One of them lasted a very short time and was disasterous. Another one actually lasted three years, but I guess I didn't really "get over" this problem when in that relationship, even though she would call me out when I got too obsessive. I have been single for a year and had actually not wanted to get in a new relationship, but decided that I might be ready. In January, I got in a relationship with someone and immediately reverted to my obsessive behavior. She suffers from depression and her instinct is to "run" if things get too "heavy." And I always push things into getting too heavy very, very quickly. So a couple months into it, we were heading towards a collision, and she wanted to "take a break" for a few weeks, which we did. She came back and we have "restarted" our relationship, and I am trying my best to curb these obsessive behaviors. I don't want to lose her. I don't think I sit around actually thinking she's the only one for me, but I do love her and I would like to stay with her. But since we got back together, I've been incredibly depressed, and I can't figure it out.
The obsessive nature I've dealt with has always made me grapple with feelings of worthlessness in relationships, and self-defeating behavior, etc. But this has gotten really bad. Since we got back together, I have not been myself. I have had severe insomnia. I can't think straight, and I am always thinking about her and thinking things are wrong. I seem to cry all the time now, almost every single day. I can't eat - I have eaten very, very little in the past few weeks and lost nearly twenty pounds. I've been trying to be a good boyfriend for her, and that has meant me trying to curb these obsessive things - but they are still there. I am just not letting them "out" into our relationship. I don't want to run her off (which I have done to other relationships before) and I don't want her to feel bad. But internally, it's tearing me up.
Monday night, it finally came to a head. I don't think I sat down and made a decision to try to harm myself, but I had been giving out red flags, saying quasi-suicidal or self-destructive things to my girlfriend and my best friend. I actually felt kind of "serene" Monday night, and I had been taking sleeping pills in increasing quantity over the past few weeks as I was having trouble sleeping. I know it had crossed my mind that if I was going to harm or kill myself, it would be by taking sleeping pills and going to sleep. Monday night, after I told my girlfriend goodnight, I had a few drinks. Then I took sleeping pills, and I have no idea how many I took, but it turned out to be an enormous amount. Very quickly, I deteriorated - I began hallucinating, I dried out very quickly, I couldn't stand or speak, and my heart was beating wildly. I ended up calling 911 and having to be rushed to the hospital. My heart was beating into the 200s, my blood pressure skyrocketed, I was severely dehydrated, my potassium levels were dangerously low. I had to spend the night in the ER. They wanted to keep me longer to make sure I didn't harm myself any more, but I eventually decided to come home. I did call 911, after all - if I wanted to die, why would I call for help?
So now I'm left in the wake of that experience and wondering what to do next. If I wanted to kill myself, I would have laid down and let it happen instead of calling 911. I haven't told my girlfriend or anyone else what really happened - about the overdose - and instead just told them about the trip to the ER as being part of my not eating or taking care of myself lately (which was actually where a lot of the problems they found once I got there came from - being malnourished etc.). I didn't sit down to overdose, and I have no idea how many I took; I honestly didn't think I took *that* many.
I don't know what to do next. Why am I being affected like this? I'm not in a relationship where the other person is "feeding into" my behavior, like I've done in the past. She genuinely cares about me and tries to help. I know there's something wrong, and I'm not afraid to see that there is something wrong. But I don't know what it is or how to "fix" it.
After the attempt, I am forced to sit here and wonder "what next?" Obviously I can't continue the self-destructive behavior; it almost killed me, and I obviously stopped that from happening, so now I have to figure out where to go from here. Do I end the relationship? Would that help? It seems like I create drama, or I try to convince her (and I've done this with other girls) that she'd be better off without me...even though I don't *want* that to happen. Why would I do that???
I need help...and would appreciate any help anyone could offer. Thanks.
