Post by brokenchinadoll on Jun 27, 2008 6:42:33 GMT -8
I feel like I'm drowning in quick sand. There is no light at the end of my tunnel. My Mom isn't going to get better. I have a lump on my breast. I am so far in debt I will NEVER get out. Since I started dating my POA my mom took my name out of her will and I'm no longer getting the house I have paid the mortgage on for the last 14 years. She decided to give it to my oldest son. I'm the one who takes care of this house and more than half the bills. He made it quite clear after she passes I need to look for a place to live. I have a daycare in my home, so I'd lose my job too. And of course there is this horrible dreaded disease! I went back to my EX two weeks ago and the pattern is of course starting again. He misses her, he wants to go back to her, he's pulling away from me just as always before. This pattern has now repeated itself twenty some times in the past year. I just can't do any of this anymore! There is nothing for me. I pray God will have mercy on me and just let me have breast cancer. Then I don't have to do it myself!
the good news is - since nothing ( and it really sounds like nothing) is working and all known dreams aren't looking promising.
you get to create a whole new everything.
It is really hard. I know, I'm there. Mom died, I got the house, the house fell apart so I can't sell, or rent or afford to fix, the guy remains the same (even though I don't see him anymore), I lost my job, have some health challenges, I have huge debt, and on and on - life is full of stuff like that for everyone.
My ability to get through the day depends on what I focus on.
I have this program that offers hope, NOT A QUICK FIX.
There is an opportunity to finally move beyond it all and stay on the planet.
There are lots of us rebuilding and starting fresh.
It might hurt worse before its over, but IT WILL PASS, and the courage it takes you to get from here to there will come from somewhere you haven't even met yet.
there is a solution.
Stay and work through this with us if you like.
peace and hope to you. bluebird
Last Edit: Jun 27, 2008 12:04:29 GMT -8 by bluebird
I'm posting a lot because it helps me to stay connected. One of my old patterns is to withdraw when things are difficult. If I can post and read it helps me to stay connected and that helps me to stay closer to recovery. like minds and all that.. I only share what i have personally expeienced that has helped. It was given freely to me by others who have gone before.
Post by brokenchinadoll on Jun 27, 2008 20:44:11 GMT -8
I thank everyone for their support. I do see a therapist on a regular basis. We talk about my addiction all the time. She is the one who noticed I have one. I never, until this moment, thought so much about wanting to die. I'm afraid to tell her because she may lock me up. I can't afford that. I will lose my job. I thought at the beginning of joining I was ok. I thought I'd make it through all of this. But this last time going back to him, for whatever reason, burned something horrible through my soul. I don't understand why I can't just let go of him. I did it before. Tonight I went to a fair with my son, his girlfriend and my grandson. We were there about 20 to 30 minutes and I started feeling sick. I kept looking at everyone and it seemed too crowded for me. Everyone was laughing and having a good time. I felt like everything was closing up on me and then the tears came to my eyes. I don't understand what even happened. I had to leave. I felt dizzy and I just wanted to go home where it was safe. I didn't feel safe with all of those people around. This has NEVER happened to me before. I ususally work well with others. What happened to me???
This is progressive. Sometimes when we are traumitized it actually affects the neurochemistry of our brains.
What you are describing is larger than what is happening now. It is cumulative pain. That is why it is so overwhelming.
I have thought that before about "what if they lock me up." She may suggest meds or different meds and a psych eval. If she does, allow for the possibility that it will help and that you may need it.
This is critical. People do die and it's sad because there is a solution.
Anything that keeps you alive buys you time to get into recovery. In recovery you will learn new tools for dealing with old problems. and in time things will change. You'll get new problems and the old ones will fade away. LIfe will become more manageable.
think this through. tell your therapist the truth so she can help you. H - honest O-open to new ideas - W willing to go to any length to recover.
keep posting. you are in my prayers, bluebird
Last Edit: Jun 28, 2008 2:53:22 GMT -8 by bluebird
Post by Susan Peabody on Jun 28, 2008 12:28:06 GMT -8
I will get right to the point. This is just my opinion. I would not be alive today if it were not for my faith. I have suffered from depression and thoughts of suicide since I was 4 when I was molested. I tried to kill myself twice.
In 1983 I had a profound spiritual awakening. I found God. He told me he loved me. I cried. He told me he would take care of me and he has through many trials and tribulations.
My son calls faith "the baby." He says, "Mom, no matter what, we must protect the baby." 9 months ago he was arrested for a crime he did not commit. He lost his job, his car, his apartment and his reputation. Last week it came to trial and he was found "not guilty." Throughout this he has "protected the baby." I lost my mother a year ago and my partner 4 months ago. I lost my job due to poor health. I have a circle of friends who are on suicide watch. But I hang in there because of my faith.
Yes! you need friends. You need a therapist. You need this board. You need a suicide prevention hot line. You need help in all forms so that you know you are not alone. But, in my opinion, you must also find faith in God. You must believe in a brighter tomorrow.
From my book . . .
Life may take a downward spiral, And overwhelm us for awhile.
Pain may seem a way of life; Endless moments filled with strife.
Gloom may settle in our soul. Splitting that which once was whole.
And yet despite this painful rift. There still exists a timeless gift.
The saving grace when all is gray; God's promise of a brand new day.
So much going on...i can imagine the pain you are going through. I have contemplated suicide myself. I can't imagine doing it today...I started on the path to recovery and reconnected with my HP and things changed. Keep posting...I said a prayer for you and saw angels surrounding you and gently helping you heal.
Post by brokenchinadoll on Jun 30, 2008 19:05:04 GMT -8
Everyone's postings brought tears to my eyes! It feels so nice to have people praying for you who don't even know you. I've said thousands of prayers myself. I pray almost every second of the day it seems. I'm just not so sure I'm being heard. Please give me your HONEST straight forward opinion on this. Before I used to pray that if God didn't feel my EX was the best for me He would find a way to take him away and lead me down another path. My prayers were answered in a matter of days. He would ALWAYS end up back with his EX. Then within a few days, weeks, when things didn't work out with her he'd come back to me and I ALWAYS took him back. This happened so many times, I lost count. Now, I am truly and honestly with all of my heart ready to end this relationship. We have had such a great time together these last two weeks, it seems too good to be true. But I know in my heart this isn't the right guy for me nor is it the path I am supposed to be on. I want my life back. I want my family back. I want to build a relationship with my mom that I never had before. I keep praying to God for the same thing, to please let him go back to her one last time so I can once and for all get out of this relationship. My friend asked my why I just don't tell him to get lost. And the truth is, I don't want to hurt him. After all he's done to me, I don't want to hurt him. If he goes on his own, then that's his choice and I won't be doing any of the hurting. Because it would crush me to do that to him. But God isn't answering my prayer. I just feel like there is no way out. Why isn't God helping me this one last time? He knows how badly I want this. I feel so smothered by all of this. I faught so hard time after time to get him back and now I'm praying so hard to let him go.
Thank you for checking in - I was concerned when I read your post b/c I was once there myself. And I know it's a very bad place to be.
Follow the other posters' advice about your therapist & speaking honestly about these things. Esp working the steps.
My feeling is, so much is going on in your life & within yourself, it would be best to tackle ONE thing at a time. You can't tackle EVERYTHING at once - you'd be feeling out of control if you did.
Bluebird is right - put yourself first, make a break/ending with your POA, go through that grief process and once that HUGE first step is taken, you will find other areas of your life will be easier to work on. I wrote "WORK" b/c this is WORK in the most literal sense.
Broken, we've got your back - when you are down - please post when you have a moment. People here DO CARE.
Post by brokenchinadoll on Jul 1, 2008 18:55:31 GMT -8
I started reading introduction to the 12 steps. When I read it, I realized how true it is. I am SICK! I just got off the phone with my POA and he was acting way too loving and from the pattern of before too strange. Im going to set my alarm for 4:00 A.M. just so I can drive by and see if her car is there. How sick is that? But do you know what? I REALLY WANT it to be there. Then this can all be over and I will be able to start to recover and I may just make it. You are right Sexlessw, I have too much going on right now. I don't know where to start and it is making me sick physically and I mentally want to crash and give up. I have no idea where to start. I know getting rid of him is and should be the first step. But I am so afraid of letting go. If I hurt him I'm afraid. I know that doesn't make any sense. I don't know. I have a feeling next week while I am in bed recovering from my surgery, he will be out doing his own thing anyway. I know eventually I will be hurt again. I know I can not stay with him and make it work even "if" he would give her up and all of his other addictions, because my family hates him. He'd never be invited to family funtions. If I'd have my own place my grandson wouldn't be able to come and see me if he was there. My family wouldn't visit. I'd have to choose between him and them. I just feel so sorry for him because he had a bad childhood and no one in his own family likes him. He only really has me, and her. I am not capable of hurting people. That alone kills me. I just want him to go on his own so it's not my fault. God just has to see this and help me. He has to. He knows how week I am. I did not ask for this sickness, so He needs to help me through it. Thank you for listening to me rattle on and on! This board is truly a blessing and a place I feel safe.
I'm not sure what to say either. It sounds like you are really reeling and ungrounded. you must reel yourself back in. if your family dislikes him and he has no one, there is a reason, and its not his bad childhood, its the way he behaves now. I know how it feels, like you must help this person because they have no one else, i have been there. now that i am looking at things realistically i see the faultiness in that thinking. i wish there was a way I could help you get there, i will be praying that you are able to do that soon.
Post by brokenchinadoll on Jul 2, 2008 6:21:27 GMT -8
I just called his house and his mom said he was still in bed. Apparently he was up all night. She said he had his door closed for most of the night. That means there was someone with him. Otherwise, he always keeps it open. I didn't run out during the middle of the night to check to see if her car was there. I didn't feel like dealing with it. I now wish I would have because I know he isn't going to tell me the truth when I ask him. I just want the truth. If she was there, yes I will be hurt AGAIN! But then I can let go and try to move on. The lies and the not knowing truly, truly kill me! We have had such a great time together this last time, but I guess like always I was trying ti kid myself and it was all a lie. I've got a pain in the pit of my stomach that I can't stand. How in the world do people honestly live like this? I know I am doing this to myself. If I let go and move on and have positive thoughts and good feelings for myself good things will happen, right? But we all know it's not that easy. Life to me is so much more difficult now that I know I am a love addict. I don't know what I should do. Wait for him to call? Call him later? I know in my heart he wasn't alone last night. And I know in my heart he'll lie his way out of it just as he always, always does. I just want the truth. Just the truth!
I know for me that I got to the point that i didn't need to hear the "truth" anymore. I knew enough about my exhusband to determine he was a liar and a cheater, i don't need to know anymore to "prove" it! I did go through a phase where I wanted to discover every lie, I still don't understand the reason, it was an obsession. I finally decided, with help mind you, that I already had a huge list of lies and wrongs, we were bad for each other, its time to move on and get healthy. Perhaps journaling about what you are feeling may help? Or making a list of lies he has already told you. Maybe getting a little angry at him would help you get more grounded in regards to him?
Post by brokenchinadoll on Jul 2, 2008 8:10:02 GMT -8
Dragonfly, Oh Boy, you said it all. I get so------------o angry at myself because I get to a point where I scream and then break down and cry. The FACT is I KNOW he's a liar, a cheater, has hurt me more than I can even count in just a years time. As long as he has his own addictions to alcohol and marijuana and that party life, he WILL have an addiction to her as well. She feeds him all of those things. She feeds him his addictions. I am just his safety net when things go wrong with her or when things feel out of control in his own life. I feel that in his own little way he does love me. Certainly not the way I love him or the way I deserve to be loved. I see a side of him that is loving and caring and thats what keeps me with him and wanting him, hoping I will be able to change him into that person forever. But I KNOW until he gets help for his own addictions, plus anger management, he will not change. She will always be a part of his life as long as he has his own addictions. I am seeing him tonight and I am going to ask him to tell me the truth, though I know I am kidding myself believing he will actually give it to me. But I've been praying and just maybe with Gods help he will be honest with me. Anything is possible. I yearn so many things for my future. Right now they all seem impossible or at least a million miles away. My therapist, who Im seeing tomorrow, says I have a huge problem with time. Im 41 and I feel my time is running out. I won't get out of debt, I won't have a secure future, I'll always be alone, because It's too late. Im running out of time. She said we need to work on that. I will let evryone know the outcome of tonight. This may be the end, or I guess a new beginning.
Post by Susan Peabody on Jul 2, 2008 12:21:08 GMT -8
I am seeing him tonight and I am going to ask him to tell me the truth, though I know I am kidding myself believing he will actually give it to me. But I've been praying and just maybe with Gods help he will be honest with me. [/qote]
I have been watching this thread. I can tell that you are so addicted that it will not matter whether or not he tells you the truth. You are in a triangle and it is up to you to get out no matter what he does. I am glad you are on this board and I hope you are also in therapy. Addiction is had. Your goal is to walk away from this guy. What he does is irrelevant. May God aid you in your journey.
Post by brokenchinadoll on Jul 6, 2008 6:02:24 GMT -8
Here it is, Sunday morning. I should be in church praying. But instead I am searching, hunting, and determined to find something that will show me she has been there. Finally, I found it. I had a wonderful 4th of July with him. I asked him over and over again to please tell me the truth. Please be honest with me and tell me if he's seen her. He comes up with with wildest stories. What he doesn't realize is the pattern he continues to constantly have. It's so easy for me to see all the signs. This morning I found my last piece of evidence. How much more do I need Huh? What's it going to take to make me see this guy will never change? He tells me he loves me and he does nice things for me, but he lies to me constantly. He's completely unfaithful. I am going to surgery on Tuesday morning to have two lumps removed from my breast. I cannot go into this surgery wondering where he is , who he's with, what he's doing. I am seeing him today and I am going to confront him with what I found, listen to his lie of how it got there and then simply, but yet extremely hard, tell him I cannot continue a relationship with him. I am sucking all the life out of myself and I can't stand it anymore. I feel so sick I can't even explain it. But then you all know the feeling. I just want to cry so bad right now. But I know I am the one who continues to put myself back in this situation and I have no one to blame but myself.
Dear brokenchinadoll - I had two outpatient breast surgeries within 6 months 2 years ago. (Everything's fine!). I was a little freaked-out at the prospect of breast cancer, but I handled it pretty well and got on with life. Last week I heard that my POA (a man no longer in my life except to say "Hi" at the gym) could be pretty seriously ill. He has had to take the summer off from work. I sobbed for 3 days. Wanted to die. A little lopsided? I think so. That's why I signed up on this site and am talking to a counselor. PLEASE take care of YOURSELF!!! I am going to keep you in my thoughts and prayers if you don't mind. This addiction is just awful. You're right - it sucks the life right out of us. Thank God for the 12 step programs. Wishing you health and spiritual abundance. You deserve it. We all do.
Wow! If i could i'd give you a big hug right now. Read back over your posts...you have breast cancer (can't choose that) have to go through surgery (can't really choose that or else...), might get kicked out of your house (can't choose that) mom is leavign you off the will (no control over that either) and anything else you've forgotten to tell us. SERIOUS SERIOUS PROBLEMS and yet, broken, what are you focusing on? A man who is cheating. Isn't funny...you DO have control over whether or not he stays in your life and you do have control over getting rid of him so that you have peace. You do not, however, have cotrol over: whether he lies or tells the truth, whether he loves you whether he sees someone else whether he stays true to you.
Focus on what YOU have control over and you might start to see a little light. There is so much going on inyour life now that you do not have control over, that you might want to create that same sense helpless with him becasue it is all you know.
Get to know the other side. Start small. What is in your control? what you eat today...how you FEEL....draw an imaginary line around yourself and do not let the bad in. Make peace with what IS in your circle. Know that you are in control of your life. You have many choices. He is not one of them.
well said telmita, china doll I hope your doing ok.You have been in my thoughts. Your clearly a lovely kind giving person, you deserve the best , you really do.
however, I've read this post a few times and on the one hand it seems you KNOW that this is no good for you and you deserve better and then on the other you carry on.
Your almost beating yourself up saying how long will i put up with this , how naive i am and I only have myself to blame.... STOP.
those kind of thoughts aren't getting you anywhere and they are making you a victim to yourself.
and when we make ourselves a victim we stop ourselves taking reasponsibility and therefore stop recovery.
You have to deal with some hard things like the surgery you have to have, awfulawful awful I know , i've had cancer. But as Telmita says there ARE some things you can control.
what worries me is that its the drama of the whole thing that has you hooked, it feels good to beat yourself up even though it feels so bad. it feels good wondering hoping searching looking for evidence ,driving to his house , it feels like your alive . without that I think your wondering who you are, what would you have, so the drama carries on.
Posting on here is obviously good for you in some ways , in others i think its FEEDING THE DRAMA.
what would happen if you were still with yourself , just you, no drama can you imagine that?
I think you know how bad this is for you but you arent able to make the decision to let go . i understand that , i've been there and Im not judging you. But i dont want to hear about evidence, or what your POA is doing and how wonderful he is and how awful he is , I want to hear about YOU. Dont take offence. you can pull very hard out of this pit of drama and BEGIN to take charge of you. You can so do it.
This is your one life.
i hope this makes sense . Keep posting . thinking of you. winnie
Post by brokenchinadoll on Jul 9, 2008 16:19:34 GMT -8
My surgery went fine and I will get the results from the biopsy on Friday. After reading the recent posts I feel that maybe this sight isn't for me. Because the truth is, I don't know what it is that I want. Sometimes I am truly in love with my POA and sometimes I can't stand him. He's hurt me more times than I can count. He's hurt me more than anyone else ever has in my life. He lies, he's cheated. I've been running around like a crazy woman trying to find some evidence that she's back in his life and there isn't any. Maybe he has finally let her go. Maybe he has finally realized what he has with me. I don't know. Do I trust him? No! Do I love him? Yes! The truth is I do love him and in a perfect world, which I know this is not, we'd put this whole year behind us and move on in our future together. BUT, my family hates him and will NEVER except him. He has too many of his own addictions that he needs to work on and recover from. And I'm not sure he even wants to stop drinking or smoking pot. He needs to secure his future with a better job. Something full time with benefits. And I am not sure I will ever be able to trust him. If he has let her go and wants to straighten out his life and then I tell him to go, it will crush him. I will hurt him and I don't know if I can do that. I don't know how to hurt people. It is not in my nature to hurt someone on purpose. I even prayed for God to help me walk in the path of His will. What if I was put in this man's life to help him? Maybe I am the one person who can offer him a future that he's never had before. I don't know. I am so confused. I am so lost I don't know what to do. I don't know if he truly has given his heart to me or if he'll one day return to her. Maybe he's just here for me to get me through my test results and if all is well, he'll leave. I don't know. I just know how much it would break my heart to hurt him and tell him I no longer want to be with him. He's come back and hasn't done anything wrong. So maybe this sight isn't ready for me. Maybe I truly do need to fall flat on my face and not able to get up for myself to wake up.
I don't know how to hurt people. It is not in my nature to hurt someone on purpose.
and yet...you continually allow yourself to be hurt? why? is he more important than you? why are you ready to lose your life and save his? do you deserve to suffer and he does not? i cannot answer these questions for you. I can only say that you came here in a lot of pain and we try to help you resolve that pain. You have it in your power to better your life...please think about your need to not want to hurt others all the while hurting yourself...