I think we have all kidded ourselves at some point that we were 'helping' someone else when we were in face just hurting ourselves. WE have all done this , your not alone. Im not judging you, im on your side .
Im very sorry china doll saying 'its not in my nature to hurt peope ' is just an excuse a means to not take control and initiate recovery. i have to say this for the sake of all of us.
By saying you might be put on this earth to help him by god is also an excuse , your not a marty. YOur a brave , wonderful, deserving women...
by stopping someone from being brave and helping themselves you are doing them no favours. eg your POA.
All you are doing is enabling him to play out his damaged ways. The kindest thing to do for him really and truly ? let him go. By 'hurting' him as you say you may just be giving him and YOU the chance of life .
Im sorry you didnt hear what you wanted to hear. And maybe you arent ready , but i have seen you posting on here for a while and you have said some very sensible things , im not convinced that this site isn't for you.
When I said I wanted to hear about you china doll , i meant it . he is of no interest to me. Who are you away from him. Can you post about that? take care winnie
Post by brokenchinadoll on Jul 10, 2008 9:01:21 GMT -8
The truth is, I don't know who I am without him. I don't know who I am alone. I haven't been alone ever. I have no idea what my dreams are or what my hobbies are. I have no idea what I like or what I don't like. I don't know how to find out. I don't know how to be all alone. I am scared to death! I am scared of everything in this world and I don't know how to handle life at all anymore. My worst fear is about to come true, BEING ALL ALONE! And I have no idea how to face that. I can't breathe when I even try to take a tiny baby step towards that. I not only get mentally and emotionally ill, I get physically ill. I am supposed to be an adult. This is supposed to be a normal thing for someone my age. But I am so afraid to let him go and have just me. Me, a person I don't know and don't have the slightest idea how to get to know. I don't want to be alone.
Post by Susan Peabody on Jul 10, 2008 11:40:23 GMT -8
The truth is, I don't know who I am without him. I don't know who I am alone. I haven't been alone ever. I have no idea what my dreams are or what my hobbies are. I have no idea what I like or what I don't like. I don't know how to find out. I don't know how to be all alone.
It is high time you found out. The article on self-esteem gives you 17 things to do to build self-esteem. Have you done them?
1. Adopt an attitude of self-acceptance or self-love. This means really understanding that you are a worthy person despite your shortcomings. This is a mindset.
2. Once you have a general acceptance of your worth as a human being, spend some time focusing on your specific attributes. This enhances your self-worth. Just don't get carried away.
3. As part of your new positive thinking campaign, learn how to superimpose new information over your old negative tapes. (Negative tapes are all the hurtful and inappropriate things people said about you while you were growing up.) This is the best way to diminish inappropriate self-criticism which erodes self-esteem.
4. Reclaim your self-respect -- the pride or satisfaction that comes from:
Self-discipline Being responsible Honoring your own value system Handling adversity well.
Self-respect, which is a kind of conditional love, does not necessarily contradict the notion that you should love yourself unconditionally. Both concepts are important to maintain self-esteem. You must try to find the balance between loving yourself unconditionally and pushing yourself to do things that will engender self-respect.
5. Surround yourself, whenever possible, with people who affirm you (people who like you just the way you are). Like it or not, your relationship with others can erode your self-esteem. So make a point of choosing your friends carefully. You did not have a choice about this as a child, but as an adult you are free to pick and choose most of your companions.
6. Consider reading books about building up your self-esteem and healing your inner child. This promotes awareness which is an important step is overcoming low self-esteem.
7. Get to know yourself -- who you are, your values, needs, wants, taste, etc. How can you value what you do not know?
8. Stop trying to be perfect. No one is perfect. We all live in the shadow of perfection and are perfectly imperfect.
9. Do nice things for yourself. Take care of yourself. This self-care validates your self-worth.
10. At the same time, do nice things for other people. There should be some balance in your life between taking care of yourself and being kind to others.
11. Stop comparing yourself to others. You are special in your own way and this is the attitude you must have about yourself.
12. Learn how to receive, especially if you are a people pleaser or have always had a monopoly on giving. Stop dismissing compliments and returning gifts. Let the love come in.
13. Be creative. Everyone has a talent and they should use it. This stimulates self-satisfaction and reinforces the positive things you have been thinking about yourself.
14. Stand up for yourself, especially if you don't usually do this. Remember that you value what you take care of. Standing up for yourself means:
Setting limits (saying no) Expressing your opinion Walking away from neglect or abuse Being assertive when appropriate No longer apologizing when you haven't done anything wrong.
15. Make amends if you have hurt someone. (If you are codependent make sure you are the guilty party. Codependents are known to apologize just to keep the peace or out of misplaced guilt.)
16. To protect your newfound self-esteem, prepare yourself mentally for those times when people try to drag you down (people you can't avoid like co-workers). Learn how to keep from taking them so seriously, as well as how to filter out inappropriate criticism.
17. Some people just can't wake up one day, after years of devaluing themselves, and suddenly know that they are worthy people. If this is true for you, you may need something to take the place of the mirroring of love that you did not get from your parents when you were growing up. You may need a dramatic shift in consciousness before you can practice self-acceptance. This shift in consciousness might occur if you awaken to the love of a “Higher Power.” In other words, when you know that you are loved unconditionally by a benevolent force in the universe it is sometimes easier to take a second look at yourself and conclude that you are a valuable and worthy person.
well done china doll im serioulsy impressed, you didnt just make a baby step you made a huge one. you saw things how they are , you recognised what you are afraid of , some people take a lifetime to see what you just put in your last post.
DONT underestimate yourself.
susan is right, its high time you found out about all those things you listed! make the list she has posted above your project. go and get books and start out the fantastic journey that is you.
maybe start posting on here about that, combine it with the twelve steps. start a journal devoted to you , yes mention your POA but dont speculate and obsess. say what needs to be said, own it an dlet it go, THEN back to finding out about you. You can do it. winnie