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Post by brokenchinadoll on Jul 12, 2008 10:24:20 GMT -8
I truly appreciate everyones help, thoughts, encouragement, and prayers.
But it's all over for me. I got great news yesterday from my doctor. The biopsy came back negative, no cancer!
I spent the evening with my kids and my neice playing games. We had a great time.
My POA called me a few times while he was at work last night to tell me how much he loves me and he can't wait to spend some time with me this afternoon. He was overly happy that my tests were negative and I was going to be ok. He said, "That takes a huge load off my mind." It made me feel as if he was staying with me for this past month out of pity and selfish obligation. As if now I had set him free. The last phone call we had last night around 9:45 bothered me so much the wheels in my head kept turning. Around midnight my neice drove me passed his house and there was her car, parked down the street. I "Should Have" left, came home, went to bed, got up this morning, went over there this afternoon as planned and questioned him about her being there, keeping my cool and then got up and left. But as we were leaving his neighborhood I made her turn back. Waiting until today as if everything were ok, confronting him about it, would just turn into another lie or excuse from him and the cycle would once again repeat itself. I made her stop and I got out infront of his house. I called him and I asked him to come to his door. He let me in as far as a foot or so. I asked him why she is there. He said, "She's here because I want her here." Then he looked me in my eyes with such coldness and told me he doesn't love me. I was so angry! I pushed him out of my way and went to tell his mom she was there, (She told him not to bring her there or she would call the police) and as I was doing that he snuck her out the back door. I went to his room and I destroyed it! I threw his beer bottle and his whiskey bottle across the room smashing it into his wall. I dumped the unopen bottles down the drain in the bathroom. He just sat there, drunker than a skunk! After I threw my childish temper tantrum and screamed my head off he asked me if I was finished and if I felt better now. I told him he is just like his father but worse. He picked up his baseball bat and told me I had to leave. I pushed him back and some how got the bat from him. I truly wanted to smash his head in. But instead I left, taking the bat with me and tossing it in the yard as I got in the car. He called me several times threatening me, telling me this isn't over and he is going to make my life miserable. After a while I didn't even pick up the phone. He soon stopped.
This morning I did the absolute unthinkable. I gathered his stuff he gave me and all the cds he had in my car and I took them over and there was her car again. She came back. His mom let me in and I appologized to her for my behavior. He came out and we went out to my car to talk. I told him how deeply he had hurt me by telling me he didn't love me and living a lie with me not only for this whole year but for the last four weeks we were together. Then it came out of my mouth without any control. I told him I just told him the biopsy was negative to see if he would bail on me now that he doesnt' have to pity me anymore. I told him I do have cancer. At first he didn't believe me but then I think he may have started to the more I talked. Before he got out of my car he reached over and touched my face and told me he will talk to me later. I told him I didn't ever want him to call me, see me or contact me again. He got out and walked away as I sat there in a pool full of lies of my own and uncontrollable tears.
I've become him, a liar. I am now sitting in my room thinking about taking my car to the garage, closing the doors, stuffing the exhaust with a hose and slowly drifting off to sleep, quietly and peacefully. No pain. No nothing.
I just don't want to do this anymore. This addiction is way too hard for me to fight much less win. I can't be with him obviously now because he doesn't want me to. And because I just can't take the pain anymore. But I can't be without him either because the pain is so much stronger. I have no desire in the world to work on me and making anything better for myself. I just simply don't care. I miss him and all the naive, hurtful, painful lies we just had together called a relationship of some sort from hell! The memories we created over these last four weeks, real or not real to him, were very much real to my heart that will NEVER heal!!!
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Post by Susan Peabody on Jul 12, 2008 10:44:30 GMT -8
I hope you can find the strength to walk away and stay away. This triangle is breaking you down and in my opinion you are in danger of having a nervous breakdown I have not read all of you posts so I don't know if you have a therapist who might put you in the hospital for a few days. I do believe you need professional help. In the meantime we are here to help you pick up the pieces. Your short-term goal right now should be NC with him and therapy for you. I wish I could do more but your recovery is in your hands. |
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Post by bluebird on Jul 12, 2008 12:31:05 GMT -8
china -
thank you for sharing your story. It shows where this can go and perhaps your pain will help someone else to see far enough ahead to stop and get into recovery. your sharing may save another's life.
I can imagine it feels quite hopeless today and the pain has been with you for a very long time. Will you tell more about it? I would so like to hear your story. It would honor your life to tell us your story before you go - if you think you must.
I respect your right to choose and decide. Please understand that I offer the following out of respect for myself. I will live with the way I respond to you long after this day. so, from my heart...
notes on suicide:
We want to die when we don't have the tools to live with life as it is. many of us come here with an empty toolbox.
When we 'can't live with [him] and can't imagine life without [him] - we are at the jumping off point" -that was written in the 1930's and those of us who suffer from addictions find it true today. our dilema is a lack of power... There is one who has that power may you find him now. - Bill Wilson addressing alcoholics who were where you are now.
we can help you get some tools (spiritual tools that will help you live beyond this you are experiencing now) - it is that simple.
if you need to get away from your present place visit a friend or maybe even one of us. or perhaps your therapist has a suggestion - I have read all of your post. there are options.
faith as small as a mustard seed can turn your life around.
I will light a candle and pray for you today.
bluebird
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ck123
Full Member
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Post by ck123 on Jul 12, 2008 12:43:46 GMT -8
I don't have kids but If I did I would hope to God I would choose help over gassing myself. We have all been there and that is why we are here now, to support one another in recovery. No wonder you feel like nuts, you keep torturing yourself with this sick behavior. Do Not Kill Yourself over this! You are thinking of killing yourself over a man that sounds like a HUGE HUGE loser and cheats and lies to you. For Gods Sake woman!!!! He lives with and LIES to his own Mom  The illness has really really gotten a grip on you. Just get some d**n help and then you can at least make plans with a clear head. GET HELP GET HELP GET HELP GET HELP GET HELP GET HELP GET HELP We Care About You And Want You Here For A Long Time! |
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Post by smbeets on Jul 12, 2008 18:47:10 GMT -8
Go to your local emergency room!!! Suicide is not an option. Ask your God for help. You need to be seen by a doctor. And don't focus on the other woman hell he is treating her the same way!
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Post by brokenchinadoll on Jul 12, 2008 19:21:30 GMT -8
I made it through today. I called my sister and she came and spent the afternoon with me. Together we cried and cried. She is very spiritual. She told me for now, if there is nothing else I feel like doing, just pray. Pray and pray and continue to pray even if it's 50 times a day. She wants me to start going to Alanon meetings with her once a week. Does anyone know about these meetings? Yes? No? I feel so horrible. So drained. A feeling of hopelessness I've never felt before. Why am I not good enough? Why am I not as lovable? Why is she better than me? How do I ever start to like "ME"?
My dad used to tell me how pretty I was. How special I was. How some day I will meet someone who I will fall in love with and he will be the luckiest guy in the world. I remember all through my first marriage I used to ask myself how I got there. It wasn't the life I pictured for myself. He was very controlling, obsessive, verbally abusive, had an extremely bad temper, drank alot. I was so happy with myself I finally found the courage after 9 years to tell him to go. BUT.... I had someone waiting in the wings. A very loving and kind man, but for reasons with our kids and the miles between us it just couldn't work out. My second husband and I should have never gotten married. He was my rebound, I needed him to let go.
I have NEVER been alone since my father died in 1985. I don't know how to do this. I am terrified!!!!!!!!!
I miss my POA. I just want to stop loving him. My phone just rang a few minutes ago. I picked it up cause I didn't recognize the number or the ring and it was him. I said "Hello". He said "Are you ok?" I said "No, I'm not. I'm going to bed, don't call me again." He said, "I love You." I hung up. Why does he tell me one day he doesn't love me, didn't ever love me and now he loves me? What kind of a sick game is this? People play with other peoples feelings and hearts as if it means nothing. So very sad!
I guess right now I'm just happy I made it through day one.
Thank you to all of you!
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Post by londonlibby on Jul 13, 2008 3:47:06 GMT -8
China - you made it through the day - you can make it through the next, and the next. We're with you.
Hang on in through the terrible times - fix your self a goal per day. Fix yourself a goal for your life: to be free of the crazies, to love bright, to be healthy and free.
Know that you are being drained, run dowm, run over, and dragged throught he mud by your POA - say NO. No. No. No. to him and YES YES YES TO LIFE!!!!
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Post by judy on Jul 13, 2008 4:51:45 GMT -8
Hi brokenchinadoll - I'm sorry you are hurting so much and feeling hopeless. I have been there. I was thinking the other day about that - about the times in the last 12 years of this addictive fantasy when I've been in enormous pain and quite literally "not wanted to live". I thought it through the other day and realized it wasn't that I didn't want to live - I just didn't want to live with the pain. I didn't think I COULD live with the pain. And I probably couldn't - if I didn't have all the support of people in these 12 step programs, and others, who just get me from one minute to the next in those painful situations. It feels like those emotions are going to KILL me sometimes. But I remember something someone said in a meeting one time "Emotions FEEL like they're going to kill you - but they won't." They won't. Which doesn't take away the pain, I know, but it helps me none the less. I've had a rather forced NC with my latest POA and although the reason for that is sad, it has been a blessing for me. It has given me the space and distance to really see this addiction and what it's wrecked. Alanon is a great fellowship. I've gone for years. But I will say one thing - it does not address love addiction. In fact, I used the "unconditional love", the "detaching with love", and some other slogans in alanon to rationalize that my POA was deserving of my irrational obsession and in a typical love addicted way my rationalizations kept me hooked. If you are going to go to Alanon - great! But I'm going to echo some of the above feedback (since you shared), your situation sounds dangerous. A baseball bat? You asked the question "What kind of sick game is this?". Think about that . "sick game". Active addiction is a sickness. Addicts active in their addiction play sick games. If I continue to hang around with sick people, I'm going to remain sick. And if I believe what they say about addictions being progressive illnesses (and I do believe it), I'm going to get sicker. And eventually I will die. From now on, should the opportunity present itself, and I am tempted to contact or engage with my latest POA I am going to make a phone call first to someone who is familiar with my history, and tell them what I want to do, say, etc. Had I done that in the past ("I want to go stalk him at the grocery store - think I should?", "I want to drive by his house at 5 AM to see if he's home - think I should?", "I want to ask him to a very expensive concert (and pay for the tickets) after he's made it quite clear he wants nothing to do with me - think I should?"....) I might have saved myself a lot of grief. But it takes what it takes. PLEASE take care of yourself. I have gotten so much help from these boards. I hope you'll just keep praying, reading everything you can about this addiction, spending time with healthy people and not feeding this addiction. Sorry if I sound preachy. I know that pain. Hate to see another in it.
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Post by LovelyJune on Jul 13, 2008 5:30:28 GMT -8
Judy, i love what you said-- "If I continue to hang around with sick people, I'm going to remain sick." I forgot about this and it's so true. And the rest of your post was very wise.
brokenchinadoll, breathe. take a break. allow your sister to help. go to Alanon. It's an amazing support group. anything is better than going back to that...
to try to answer your question about the "i love you" "i don't love you" thing... you will eventually learn that Love is not anything more than a tool to some people. It is used as a way to manipulate. And you are absolutely right when you say it-s a sick game. That's why you need to recover and heal and learn the definition of real love. It is in a person's actions, not words. IGNORE THE WORDS. Start to pretend you are an alien from a different planet and do not speak English. read only the body language, the action.
Coming and going, sometimes showing love and other times not-- that doesn't equate to love either. Love is peaceful. You WILL get there someday brokenchinadoll, but you must be patient with yourself, have hope and work towards making yourself better.
Don't give up. You are strong. You are a survivor. And you are resourceful. I see it in your post. Keep telling yourself that. Life is not easy. But with life there is hope.
T
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Post by smbeets on Jul 13, 2008 9:17:12 GMT -8
Alanon is wonderful and it has helped me with my relationship with myself and has given me women friends to connect with. I do recommend taking a look at step one here. Thank God for your sister,receiver her help and kindness.
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Post by brokenchinadoll on Jul 13, 2008 11:16:42 GMT -8
So many things I missed along the way. Reading back now to my journal it was all right there. Many things I should have seen. What I THOUGHT turned into something honest, something true, something real, something perfect was NEVER right to begin with. I never once had a fighting chance. I put my heart out there and I took a chance again on love. We must all learn from our mistakes. I honestly didn't think I was making one. How can loving someone so honestly and so tenderly be a mistake? Looking back I should have seen all the signs. But when you are blinded by love, you see nothing. Nothing that should hurt you because you trust in it. You trust in your own heart. You trust in the person who is holding your heart that they will always keep it safe. I feel like a broken china doll. No matter how hard anyone tries they will never be able to glue my pieces back together. Love isnt worth this pain and heartache. I thought it was, once. But that is one of the many mistakes I had to learn. What is done is done. What was is over. While he moves on into his future with his angel, in love with the one woman, the only woman sho has captured his heart and will always have his heart in her hands ready to crush again, I, the broken china doll will always love him and always wonder why I couldn't have been his angel instead.
I wrote this Last summer.
I guess I didn't learn from any of my mistakes. I just wonder if I will ever be able to find peace within myself. If I will ever be able to restore all the broken pieces of my heart and make them whole again. If I will ever find what I am looking for. If I will ever be able to get through just one minute without thinking of him.
I begged him for the truth, and now, after a year he has finally given it to me. "I NEVER loved you." Words like a knife digging deep in your heart. Hoping to believe that just "maybe" this could actually be the one time I finally found love.
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Post by brokenchinadoll on Jul 13, 2008 17:54:13 GMT -8
I made it through another day. But it was so hard! He called and I answered. We argued and he hung up. Now I am sitting here wondering if he is ever going to call me again. Why? How do I make this hunger stop? I started reading the 12 steps. I just don't know how to start feeling good about myself. I can't remember once in my whole life that someone, other than a family member, liked me or loved me for who I am. I was put down and made fun of all through school. I wouldn't take a million dollars to go through high school again. I attempted suicide when I was a sophamore and I failled at that too, as you can see. I have never liked myself ever in my whole life. How do I start now? Praying? I try. But I don't feel anything. I have no desires no feelings no nothing. I just want to run over there to him and make the pain go away even if it is for a short time. But I know I can't do that. He didn't choose me. He doesn't love me, at least not at this moment. The memories of what we shared in these last 4 weeks keep going through my head and won't allow me to have any peace. I didn't see this one coming. It hit me like a huge boulder falling from the sky. If I could only get it in my head and make my heart understand this is all a game to him. He probably doesn't love her either. I don't know. Now I am rambling. I am looking forward to the Alanon meeting my sister is taking me to on Wednesday night. I pray it helps. Goodnight.
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Post by judy on Jul 13, 2008 18:53:14 GMT -8
I've been there! Oh, have I been there. The journeling, the pain, no desire, no feelings. Jealous of all the girlfriends, jealous of his present fiance. Wondering why "not me". Fantasizing it will be me someday. And on and on.
I have been hit by that boulder a few times this year. It was awful. But it has, hopefully, broken the back of my addiction to the latest POA.
You write "when you are blinded by love"... I used to think that, also (and of course my love was pure, and the best he would ever get!). I see now that I was not blinded by love. I was blinded by addiction. Love had nothing to do with it. Love doesn't tell you to lie, grovel, go against your principals and values, stalk, harangue, lose jobs, lose just about everything, and live in constant pain. Addiction does that.
I believe I have been pain my whole life - sometimes great, sometimes under the surface, sometimes manageable, sometimes not. Pain distorts ones thinking. My thinking around many things has been distorted. Love and relationships is one of those things. What's even worse is that I thought my distorted thinking was normal! In any case, I feel some twinges of pain about this last POA, but slowly but surely it's getting better. I'm not acting out. I'm checking in with people.
It will take time brokenchinadoll. You write that you have had these painful feelings all of your life. They will not change overnight. But they will change. You hang in there.
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Post by bluebird on Jul 13, 2008 20:35:21 GMT -8
hi,
you've made it through another day. I so relate to "he called and I answered, and I'm wondering if he's ever going to call me again."
by now, I hope he doesn't. Awhile back I got a message from him after not talking to him for weeks, and the message - just that - left me wondering again, sad all over and weeping again.
and the reality is he wasn't nice, or loving, and I wouldn't let go.
it just washes over and through. over and through
to begin to feel better...I had to let go. I didn't think I could because I wanted it to be different so badly. Then I realized that It stops when I stop it ( and not until then). I'm not really a victim. I have choices.
so, I stopped. YOu can too.
it gets better with no contact. No contact is the key to stopping the cycle that feeds the pain.
I believe you are doing the best you can. thank you for posting and sharing. keep it up. I hope someday soon you can let go and not call or answer. everytime you do you will feel a little stronger.
One more day. We're rooting for you!
bluebird
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Post by candee on Jul 14, 2008 1:35:30 GMT -8
Broken china doll.I too am at a point where I feel that one more dissapointment and that would be the end of me.Ive thought and thought about ending IT this whole weekend and Im hanging on by a thin thread.IM STILL HERE and Ove made a promise to myself to still be here until there is nothing I can physically or mentally do to hang on.RIght now I still have some strength and GOD is keeping me alive with HIS strength.
I read something powerful today.It says that just because we feel weak,it doesnt mean that we are not becoming strong.Just because we are sooo struggling to get by,that desnt mean that we our faith and strength isnt climbing.For what can one possilby achieve in in the sunshine.How can ones faith possibly grow in the light.Its within darkness that we prosper.
Ive also just read that GOD sees our efforts and HE know just how much strength it takes to get through an hour,a day and that our reward is waiting on the other side.Sometimes our reward is in that even when we were so sore inside,we didnt kill ourselves and that in itself has a reward waiting for us.
God has no favourites either and believe you me we all going to get whats coming to us.
I may sound very optimistic,but Ive never been this down in a while and just when I think I cant make it another hour.GOD gives me a little more strength.
Lets have faith.For it is that,that moves mountains and love addictions and waht ever ther hell else is going on inside of us.
Hang in there.
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Post by brokenchinadoll on Jul 14, 2008 8:07:20 GMT -8
I just want all of you to know how much I appreciate all of you! When I read your posts though along with all of the hope you give me and the support, it still seems as if many of you are still suffering through this. You say it gets better. What is better? I want it to go away, to stop. How do I begin? I know, no contact. But that still doesn't stop all of the feelings. I still hear his voice and all of the nice things he said to me and I can still recall all of the places we went to and did just in the last four weeks we got back together, for the 27th time(something like that anyway).Even when I sleep I dream of him. I can feel the loss in my dreams. Nothing makes this stop. Is it even possible that I truly do love this man?  Today he called. I answered. He told me he's worried about me. I asked him if he loves her. He said, "I don't know what you want to call it, I'm worried about you." I asked him if he's happy with her. He said, "Yes, I guess." But 4 wks ago he was miserable with her. He didn't love her, he wasn't happy. He missed me. He wanted me back. He loved me so much he wanted to marry me. How does ALL of that change in a matter of 4 wks? ?? I think he just felt sorry for me and all I was going through with my surgery. I don't know. Guess it doesn't matter. |
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Post by LovelyJune on Jul 14, 2008 10:08:46 GMT -8
China, try not to think about what "he" wants so much and what "he" is up to. Start to remove "him" from the picture in your head. Start replacing thoughts of him and his wants and needs with thoughts of you and your wants and needs. But when you address your wants and needs, leave him out of it. What else is there, you might ask. It's going to SEEM like you have no other wants or needs. Just him. That's normal. But keep trying to force your brain to come up with other ideas, wants, needs, distractions. It's hard. But the brain can be trained to think and feel healthier! You must want it more than you want "him." That's the key.
hugs,
T
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Post by judy on Jul 14, 2008 10:12:52 GMT -8
brokenchinadoll, I swear I was just thinking about this today! I still remember the day I met the POA (twelve years ago!), the laughs, the jokes, the limerance, the high of being in love after so long. The years of working together, teaching together, the time he called to wish me "happy opening night". I've dreamed about him for 12 years and the dreams are so real. BUT THEY'RE DREAMS. Waking or sleeping THEY'RE DREAMS. They are not reality. And what is the point of even entertaining those memories today. It's like an alcoholic remembering "the good times", or a compuslive gambler remember that "big win", or the compulsive overeater remembering the one diet that worked.
Yes, there were some good memories. But I'm an addict and I became addicted. And it wasnt' good anymore. And I will never settle for sporadic good times ever again. For me that is not a relationship worth having or a life worth living.
I dreamt about the POA just the other night. Yes, it was real. And we were friendly in my dream. He pops into my mind constantly. I cannot help that. But I will no longer think that that dream means anything more than it is, or entertain any thoughts about him. I lift him up to the gods and get on with my life. Easy? HELL NO!!!! But what's the alternative.
I have been where you are. Maybe you are not ready to surrender yet. But at least keep praying, keep posting, go to alanon with your sister and BE GOOD TO YOURSELF. I NEVER would have thought I'd be writing like this to someone. Just last year I was sobbing on my knees with the same "will this ever end???!!!!". My dad (a sober alcoholic) told me to pray harder. I did. I guess it worked.
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Post by brokenchinadoll on Jul 14, 2008 11:19:00 GMT -8
I wILL PRAY HARDER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's all I can do right now. It's all I have. It takes too much strength and will that I do not have at the moment to do anything else. I have a hard time getting up and doing my job. Little kids don't understand when you are down and crying your eyes out. They just keep on going. I have therapy on Wednesday and I am going to the Alanon meeting. I wish there was a meeting though for more of what Im going through and feel. Im not an alcoholic and I just hope this works. Telmita---- I basically got married right out of high school. My whole adult life was taking care of others. My husband, my kids, my mom. All of my time was focused on others needs and cleaning and cooking and running here and there. That is all that I know. I feel at my best when I am making somone else happy. The truth is, I don't know how to make me happy. That was his job, even if it was here and there, sporadic, short lived. It didn't matter, it just felt good at the time. Now nothing feels good. And still knowing, He NEVER loved me as he said to my face with the coldness in his eyes, killed something in me I am so afraid will never heal. How do I ever trust anyone again? My best friend is coming sometime this week and wants to help me make a dream board. I have no idea what this is. My ONLY dreams at this time are to stop the pain, smile, get better and forget about him. She dreams of her business taking off, a new car and a bigger house. Those things mean nothing to me. Nothing at all. Are any of you in healthy relationships right now in your life? ?? |
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Post by bluebird on Jul 14, 2008 18:46:01 GMT -8
GO TO THE MIRROR
TELL YOURSELF WHAT YOU WANTED TO HEAR, THAT YOU LOVE YOURSELF AND WILL BE THERE FOR YOU, AND WILL DO WHATEVER IT TAKES TO LEARN TO MAKE YOU HAPPY AND WHOLE.
THEN KEEP YOUR WORD TO YOURSELF.
MAKE YOUR DECISIONS BASED ON THAT
THAT'S HOW YOU WILL LEARN TO TRUST AGAIN.
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Post by brokenchinadoll on Jul 14, 2008 19:32:46 GMT -8
I DID IT!!!!!!!!!!!
He called and I answered. He acted all sad and told me he was sorry for everything and that he loved me. I said, "That's nice." and I hung up! I hung up!!!!!!!
I feel so sad! I feel so bad and horrible! I feel so good!!!!!
Goodnight, I'm going to sleep now.
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Post by bluebird on Jul 14, 2008 20:16:20 GMT -8
YEAH YOU!!!!!
a tremendous victory for your well being.
it will hurt, that will pass
the strength you gain every time you do this
will last.[/color]
peace, bluebird
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Post by brokenchinadoll on Jul 15, 2008 19:09:08 GMT -8
He keeps telling me how much he loves me. I told him I need to move on with my life. He then continued to ask me if there is someone else and if I have someone in mind. He was really upset, angry upset. I don't understand. He left me. He chose her. He is with her right now as I am writing this. Why is he putting all of this on me? I know, no new contact, no new hurt. Why do I answer and put myself through this? He blames me for his walking out. It's not fair.
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Post by bluebird on Jul 15, 2008 19:24:12 GMT -8
it's all about learning and progress right now - did you talk to him again? I know you are trying..
I was told that if you change one cog on the wheel, you change the whole clock.
On some level you are ready to change ( or you wouldn't be posting here), it sounds like he is not. It is fair. It's about we each get to choose for ourselves what we want and then find someone who that fits with.
If you want a healthy loving relationship does this triangle still fit for you. The other two players appear willing to continue as is.
***rememer - you can only change you***
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Post by bluebird on Jul 15, 2008 19:33:40 GMT -8
Is it still all over for you?
when you are ready, you can change whatever you like. A new thread, - it's just starting for me, right now! beautiful, precious, real, china - no longer broken, no longer a play thing.
You have so many choices...
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Post by judy on Jul 16, 2008 3:28:49 GMT -8
brokenchinadoll - I posted to you yesterday but it didn't go through.
BRAVO on "That's nice"!!! That's inspirational!!
Read the new poem by M. Angelou that someone posted today - it's great and may help you.
Of course he's calling angry and upset!!!! What did you think would happen when you started putting yourself first and walking away. I'm taking his inventory, I know, but from the sounds of what you have written, it seems he is a sick addict active in his addiction. He's doing what HE needs to do to meet HIS sick needs.
I cannot offer advice - it's not my business - but I wish you good health and all the spiritual strength you need to do what you feel is best for you.
Perhaps ask yourself - if you give-in and go back again will it change anything? Will he all-of-a-sudden become healthy?
When I start thinking about the POA now, I think it through Suppose he DID leave his fiancee. Suppose he DID call me and want to see me. (Not going to happen but I indulge myself with thinking it through instead of FANTASIZING)
I would have to know 1.) Is he in recovery? 2.) Is he seeing a therapist or going to a 12 step group? 3.) Has he had a sufficient time in recovery that he can start on a course of a healthy relationship?
4.) Do I have enough time in love addiction recovery to start on this course with him?
If that ever happens I'll call my sponsor and see what she sais.
Until then I'm going to enjoy the freedom from obsession and chasing and for the first time in my life concentrate on taking care of myself and leading the kind of life I see others leading and thought I could never have.
HANG IN THERE!!!
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Post by LovelyJune on Jul 16, 2008 8:58:09 GMT -8
China,
Don't be misled by his sudden interest in you. Keep going in the direction you know you need to go, despite him. Even if he falls on his face in love with you again... it should not matter at this point. It's too late. This is about you and your recovery. Hang in there.
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Post by frost on Jul 16, 2008 21:29:31 GMT -8
I don't understand. He left me. He chose her. ...Why is he putting all of this on me? I am totally guessing about this, but I will share my experience, sometimes with unhealthy people (like me) rejection and feelings of abandonment can trigger someone and they can be feeling all sorts of intense emotions and they can be doing things and saying things that seem like they love you - when actually they will say anything / do anything to prevent abandonment and /or medicate the negative emotions associated with rejection and abandonment. Pia Melody explains it better in her book "Facing Love Addiction" I guess what I didn't like about her section on the way the two addictive cycles interacted - the cycle of the Love Addict and the cycle of the Love Avoidant is that it seemed to address how to treat the relationship and get it healthy, and it kind of glossed over the fact that you can't get someone else into recovery and if 1/2 of the relationship is in an addiction or multiple addictions (alcohol seldom walks alone) you cannot relate to a person in an addiction therefor you can't have a relationship. Addiction in my opinion is like insanity, and if you are allowing yourself to come into contact with insanity you start to feel the reality bending effects of it yourself. When an addiction is present - nothing makes sense - like - how can he inquire if there is someone else for you when he himself has been having a relationship? How can he tell you he loves you, then say he never loved you, then tell you that he loves you? How can it be that he makes it out to be that you are leaving him and ending the relationship when in fact he was the one who ended the relationship? I think you have to realize that he's not right in the head. Not only is he not seeing clearly, but he's not capable of seeing clearly, and as much as the reality distorting effects of his alcoholism is affecting him - it also has the potential to affect you. Don't be confused by his words, and don't think that he is capable of loving you, he's not. Also, its not a case of he doesn't love you - its a case of him being incapable of loving you, and not only you, but really he's incapable of loving anyone. Your account of your last go round with him shows such chaos and pain, I hope you can insulate yourself from that. |
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Post by brokenchinadoll on Jul 17, 2008 5:02:52 GMT -8
Hi everyone! I had a session with my therapist last night. She said all but the same things all of you did. Especially, "It's not that he doesn't love you, he's incapable of loving anyone." (including her) Which she told me isn't an issue or something that should even concern me because this isn't about her. But, it does bother me that he left me for someone like this woman. What I need to understand I guess is, he left me for someone like himself and their relationship will never be perfect either.
Anyway, I bought the book How To Break Your Addiction To A Person by Howard Halpern. I don't want to put it down. It makes me cry so much because I truly can relate to much of what he wrote. My mother was not very motherly or loving. My father took over that job and then he died. This is probably where the abandonment issues started. My first husband left me due to affairs he was having and an alcohol problem. My second husband left me because we didn't really love each other to begin with. I only admitted yesterday to my therapist I only married him so I wouldn't be alone.
No I do not want to be in this triangle anymore. I do not want to continue to go through this over and over again and yes I know I will if I don't walk away, because he "probably" won't ever let me go and walk away from me. The two of them are playing this game because they KNOW one will always return to the other. They share the same addictions. As much as I know all of this I still crave just one more minute with him. One more phone call. A part of me still feels I do truly love him. But I know as long as he continues to live this life without seeking help for himself and as long as there is her, I, we, have absolutely no hope of ever having any kind of a relationship at all. Not even a friendship.
My biggest fear is being alone the rest of my life. I really want to find someone some day and have a loving, honest, committed, everlasting relationship. But I wonder if that is even possible. Are there other people out there who truly want and will live that same kind of a relationship? It seems these days forever doesn't mean anything anymore. I don't understand.
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Post by bluebird on Jul 17, 2008 6:18:39 GMT -8
It is so nice to hear you talking about you in a healthy way.
Isn't it so difficult to accept "no hope for any reltionship at all."
That is such a hard corner to turn. -
The option is - - - to go on in the same direction you were going. - The direction that got you here writing " It's over for me."
If you were lost in the wilderness you would mark the trail here. hang a flag, build a small stack of stones, something to help you reckognize this place in case you find yourself here again.
How can you mark this place in your life? this decision point of going on as you were or taking a new path?
xxbluebird
blubird
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