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Post by judy on Jul 17, 2008 6:35:10 GMT -8
hi brokenchinadoll - sounds like your getting some great feedback! All of it is really helping ME!
If you cannot let go of the feeling of loving this guy - fine. Keep the feeling - LET GO OF THE GUY!!!
The feeling will follow.
I felt the same about the POA in my life. I wanted to call. Wanted to write. Wanted closure.
What I wanted was to continue to connect. I needed that connection. I was not even in a relationship with him. We were way past that. But I still needed to see him. I needed him to see me.
It's called addiction.
You say you want, someday, to have a loving, honest, committed, everlasting relationship. You wonder if that is possible.
Sure it is. It takes maturity, integrity, strength, courage, wisdom, generosity, thoughtfulness, grace, humour, a healthy selfishness, a healthy compromise and discernment.
By BOTH parties.
Are you in touch with all of those qualities in yourself now? Might you need to see/feel/practice them in yourself before you can identify them in the person you're going to be with forever? Do you think the kind of relationship you seek happens over-night?
I have a lot more clearing up to do after years of this addiction before I am ready to engage in that kind of a relationship. If I ever do. But I trust with the help of these programs and writings and such if it happens, I'll be ready.
Most important quality I want to develop?:
"Know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, KNOW WHEN TO WALK AWAY...
Perhaps instead of "forever" think one day at a time?
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Post by drmn2bfree on Jul 20, 2008 10:14:35 GMT -8
Bluebird-I love reading your posts- They really hit home with me. I was just thinking how insane it is to be so out of control with my feelings for a guy I've only known for a short while ( who by they way does not even treat me very well). A guy who I have incredibly intense feelings for from the very first few contacts with-very similiar to a drug. And how many times I've wanted to and couldn't help myself from picking up something and trying to commit suicide and then reaching out for help in the end knowing this is not what i really want. I just want the pain to stop. but not having the tools in the tool box. Well, after about 2 years of recovery I have some tools. I have fallen yet again but as they say one step back and one step forward. At least I'm growing today. I'm growing in my recovery. It helps to know that I have felt this way before and I am looking forward to getting to know myself and pleasing myself. Thanks for your posts. Thanks Chinadoll-Keep coming back-Peace and Love - Drmn2bFree
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Post by candee on Jul 22, 2008 23:50:01 GMT -8
Im posting under this thread coz I feel that Im the one in need of some encouragement today.
Ive been trying to create distance between POA and I.Ive also tried forgiveness and prayer.Its worked wonderfully since last week.HOwever she seems to also have been creating distance.I cant seem to handle that although I know its best.
I kinda feel as if Im in withdrawal.I cant eat or sleep or function and just cry.Im angry at HP today.I asked for comfort and wisdom and feel I havent received it yet.
The relationship between POA and I used to be so fulfilling at one stage.
I have the utmost respect for those who can uphold the NC thing.
I feel as if Im literally going mad.I feel empty and dark inside.I feel dead/alive.I feel overwelmed.I cannot concerntrate and I feel as If Im having one axiety attack after the other.HELP!
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Post by judy on Jul 23, 2008 6:29:37 GMT -8
hi candee. I have been in that place where I have detached and created a distance ( a good move!) from my POA but then have become angry and resentful that he either didn't even notice or was glad I finally did it!
I know now that I used to create that distance sometimes, not necessarily to help myself, but to try to get a reaction from him. When I didn't get a reaction it made me feel rejected all over again! Just one more symptom of this addiction!
Now my detachment (or NC) is to protect myself and move on. I know - it feels awful at first. But I have to believe the pain of NC will subside. The pain of acting out will only get worse.
Hang in there! Post every hour if you have to just to check in and know people are rooting for you.
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Post by candee on Jul 23, 2008 21:28:31 GMT -8
Judy
Thank you for the encouragement.I think Im going to post every hour if I have to.Ive come to a point where my head knows that creating distance is the only option.But my heart just wants to be the friends we once were.But Im hanging in there.Feeling a little better today.Trying not to think too much.
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Post by drmn2bfree on Jul 24, 2008 5:17:46 GMT -8
Hi to all! I feel as if I have betrayed you all-mostly myself. I made contact-mostly to say goodbye-and to get a resolution-and well honestly because I was in so much darn pain--That feels good to honestly admit the truth. I was reading in a book somewhere over the last couple of days that at this point in the relationship it might be a good time to try and reconcile to see that things don't work out. Because at this stage of the ball game you start to idealize the relationship and your mate and his qualities etc. So anyway, I guess I just got so darn triggered and was going to a meeting and the meeting wasn't there but his house was and so I found myself driving to his house. And then we talked. He told me the reason he shut off his phone was because I was making him feel so guilty about spending time with his daughter and that she comes first before anything. He really feels guilty b/c he left her and spent 1 year in jail due to drugs and what not. He is clean now by the way and is really making something of his life and is tryiung to make it up to his daughter. anyway he goes on to tell me that I am so insecure sometimes and he doesn't know why because I am so beautiful and intelligent and all I am doing is pushing him away. He also said that his daughter must come first and that I cannot take up all his time. I said I am sorry that I placed so much demands on him. That it is my disease and that I am getting help for it and that I din't realize the stress it had on him. So, we made up and we are trying again. I told him that he is right I have made him the center of my Universe and that is not healthy but I have reconnected with my sponsor and am building back up my network and am going to meetings again. I also told him that I joined an on line site. So, I have a question in all this. Can I still recover in my relationship with him? All anwers are welcome. Peace and LOve to all-drmn2bfree
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Post by LovelyJune on Jul 24, 2008 10:40:18 GMT -8
drmn2bfree
i posted a response to you under the "I NEED HELP" section.
T
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Post by bluebird on Jul 24, 2008 11:23:07 GMT -8
Hi,
dreamtobefree-
I am familiar with the book you are reading (read about it in your other post.) I can't say where you are. I have seen people first separate, each work on their own growth and recovery, and then reunite and work to make the relationship healthy - and make it. This is more rare and exceptional because it takes both parties being really committed to turning it around. You could not do this alone for example.
Otherwise it is time to let go and work on yourself and not continue to create harm - even if unintentionally.
these are difficult choices and no one can make them for you. We give and recieve quick advice in life - but in the end, you alone live with the decisions and their consequences.
listen, pray, write, and choose the path that leads you to your highest self. choose the path that most looks like health to you.
If you choose wrong, choose again until you get it right.
peace,
bluebird
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