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Post by Turtle Lover on Aug 30, 2008 18:12:45 GMT -8
A couple of months ago I got dumped. Not by my husband, but by a beloved older friend who felt like a mom to me who was my piano professor back in college. (I've known her for 14 years)
I'd contacted her on occasion over the years after I graduated, but about 3 1/2 years ago, we started communicating very frequently when she was going through a messy divorce. She KNEW that I was in a very vulnerable spot emotionally at the time, and that I was basically looking for a mentor/mother figure in my life. I guess she was happy to have me as a distraction during her divorce. And, I was thrilled to have a friend. So, it was like she waltzed in to my life and offered all of this great advice and did all those “mother” sorts of things I'd always dreamed of – she'd invite me over, buy me books (even on sex right after my wedding!!!), basically try to “counsel” me in a motherly sort of way, and even helped me get ready for my wedding. She even called herself my "surrogate mom" and told me that she loved me. It was all such a welcome change, and had a fairy tale quality to it, cause I had never been close to my own mother. I longed for someone to fill that void, so I really latched onto her. We would often email each other several times a day and share our darkest, deepest secrets. She'd tell me how much closer she was to me than to her own family members, and to her daughter. But, at the same time, when I embraced that, and moved closer in response to her signals, she suddenly turned on me. She cultivated the whole “I'm your surrogate mom” idea, and then threw me out like a piece of trash for no apparent reason.
When I asked her what went wrong, she refused to communicate with me for the longest time, and I never could get any clear, coherent answers except for hints that I made her uncomfortable and hinting that I had lesbian feeling towards her (I definitely don't -- it is 100% platonic, and she was like a mom to me, so it totally destroyed me that she would think something like that). At the end of her last nasty email, she told me to leave her alone. So, I have.
Basically, what I think happened is that she got addicted to her new boyfriend and suddenly decided she didn't need me anymore since she had someone else to try to "fix" instead of me. And, having delusions that I was a lesbian who was after her was a convenient way to let herself off the hook and justify dumping me.
I have no closure. No idea what I ever really did to provoke her over the top reaction. I wanted to talk things over and try for at least a hint of reconciliation, but she wasn't interested, saying she didn't owe me anything, and that I was being too pushy. I apologized profusely for anything I might have done to offend her to no avail. I'm not sure how I could have been too pushy, cause I was extremely paranoid about losing her and always made an extra effort not to be very demanding. I didn't call her that much, didn't ask to see her that much, and basically took whatever crumbs she'd throw my way.
I feel like I've lost my mother. She led me to believe that I meant something to her, and then she tossed me out without ever looking back. I feel like I want to die.....I really do. I've tried EVERYTHING in my power to heal from this over the last several months, but I only feel more empty and alone as the days go on. This feels WORSE than having a guy betray me, cause she was like a mother to me. I don't know how much more of this I can take. I want to exit this earth. I feel like a giant black hole.
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Post by bungabali on Aug 30, 2008 18:37:55 GMT -8
Turtlelover, I really don't know what to say to you. I am praying that you will feel better. Believe me, it does get better. I have felt like you - like I was living in a black hole that I would never escape from. It is an awful feeling. I felt like that everyday for a solid six weeks. Four months later, I still get that horrible empty feeling now and again but I recognize it and realize it will pass. My mother was and is not close to me either even though I live with her ( I am 42 yrs old - getting back on my feet from a bad marriage) I am learning to love, console and soothe myself and I am finding it is better than what anyone else could do for me. I am sorry you are going through this. You can make it through  |
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Post by Susan Peabody on Aug 30, 2008 18:52:45 GMT -8
The closer our bond with someone is to the bond we had with our mother or father the more painful the abandonment is when it is repeated. If this person was a mother figure for you then this has got to hurt. Try to separate this person in the present from your mom. Concentrate on them being two separate people in two separate times. Sometimes we can use our conscious mind to affect change in our unconscious. The original wound with your mother now resides in your amygdala and this is where age regression takes place. Age regression is worse than just remembering. It is what makes PTSD so serious. So work as hard as you can to separate this woman from your mom and to let her go. All relationships have a life span and this one is over. All of this is explained in Goleman's book Emotional Intelligence. If it sounds complicated it is. The bottom line, for now, is that you are in my prayers. I too have been suicidal and it was others who kept me from doing it. We care! |
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Post by Sexlessw on Sept 2, 2008 12:03:07 GMT -8
SP is right - this lady's pulling away from you is worse, IMO, than a man/POA pulling away from you.
IMO, the minute the right (I won't write the crass word hoovering in my mind right now) man came along, she didn't need you anymore to fufill that "mommy" role she had for you.
This lady sounds like she has some deep rooted issues which I can't even guess at. If she was cruel to you in that last email, take that as your closure. Further contact with her will only hurt you more. Her silence, I know, is hurtful to you right now.
Ask yourself this, tho. Why would you give power over your feelings/life to such a person? Why is she renting space in your head RIGHT NOW to make you feel this bad? Is she worth that? To make you feel badly? To make you feel like you wish to die? I know she's not worth all that and a bag of Doritos.
However, I KNOW you are worth more than the pain she has given you. You don't deserve it.
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Post by Turtle Lover on Sept 2, 2008 17:48:38 GMT -8
Will I EVER stop thinking about my PoA 24/7??? I can't go 2 minutes without thinking about the loss.......any attempt at distracting myself fails miserably. Please, please tell me that this will end someday and I will be able to think of other things. I've deleted the 100s of emails that we exchanged to try to keep from ruminating over them, and removed photos, etc., but the situation never, ever leaves my mind. EVER!!!!!
The worst thing is, I feel like I trusted this woman more than I had ever trusted anyone in my whole entire life. If even she can turn on me, and she was my mentor and the person I confided in the most, what is left? It makes me feel like trust and love are big jokes.
Oh....and this woman has a psych degree (though she doesn't work in that field thank God), so I'm sure in her mind, **I** am the crazy one and she has a perfectly convincing and logical explanation for treating me like stuff and throwing me out altogether to the point where she would say "please leave me alone". It makes me wonder if she's right, and I AM the crazy one.
I soooooo want to call her. I know that further contact is probably a bad idea, but my mind is obsessing over that 2% chance that I can somehow make her change her mind. Please talk me out of it.
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Post by bluebird on Sept 2, 2008 18:26:34 GMT -8
the choice is recovery or contact.
the only requirement for membership here is a desire to stop acting out your addiction.
focus on you- that's where your answers will begin.
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Post by Turtle Lover on Sept 2, 2008 19:15:39 GMT -8
I've gone over 2 months without contact, and I'm still alive. I guess that is a start! I guess I can start by vowing to post here every time I feel an overwhelming need for contact.
The logical adult part of me KNOWS there is no point in pursuing a relationship with a person who doesn't desire one with me anymore, and going down that road would only cause more pain, but it feels like there is a little kid inside of me kicking and screaming that I want my "mom" back no matter what it takes to make that happen.
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Post by Sexlessw on Sept 3, 2008 4:21:56 GMT -8
Turtlelover:
That's right: TWO MONTHS without contact - seems to me I'm posting with a living, breathing person. You definately are alive and breathing - and wanting direction after this period of NC.
You can refer to yourself as the kicking and screaming child. We've all been there. However, in time, the kicking screaming child picks herself up, stands up, stops crying and says "This is really boring & I'm getting tired. Where's my ice cream cone?"
BlueBird gave you valid advice. Do you WANT right now to stop focusing on your POA? It's easier to focus on HER and HER issues. It always is. The hardest part is figuring out OUR OWN issues - that's the scary part. That's where our fear lies.
Get thru the fear of finding YOU and in time, you will stop focusing on HER HER HER. You'll realize that you can't fix her, but that you've fixed yourself. And gain knowledge from that.
Ready for your HARD WORK Turtlelover?
[OT: do you like turtles? Do you own any? Just askin' about your avatar]
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Post by Turtle Lover on Sept 22, 2008 5:13:50 GMT -8
OK......I have had nightmares about this situation for 3 nights in a row. Please pray for me. I can't stop thinking about this, EVER. Even night gives me no rest from it. I don't know how to end this pain. Dying is starting to look like a better and better option. I can't take it anymore. I'm cracking up. I'm trying to be brave here and keep fighting, but I'm out of energy.
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Post by candee on Sept 22, 2008 5:28:43 GMT -8
WOW.... It was like reading my own story.I know exactly waht you talking about.My friend got a man and I was left to just do my own thing.She got addicted to this man and I was left out and I tried winning her back to no avail.The only difference( and Im ready to tell the truth now) was that we did have a lesbian relationship.I did and still sometimes have sexual feelings for her.
This is really hard for me to admit.But what the hell.
I know Im not lesbian,maybe bisexual,but I have a different view on why I am like this and it has little to do with sexual stuff,but more with emotions and abandonment issues.
She too at one stage reciprocated the feelings and the two of us almost ended up in a love affair,she is married by the way.But then she met G and i was tossed aside.She became addicted to him while I was still addicted to her.It hurt like hell.
But im dealing with me now and its getting better.
The reason I think that you still feeling htis bad,is because this issue brings up issues from childhood and the wounds arent that easy to heal if you dnot go to therapy.
Dont be to hard on yourself.You need help in dealing with this.Im right here if you need to talk.
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Post by Rilly on Sept 22, 2008 6:30:31 GMT -8
Turtle,
There are a lot of "unreal" things going on here. It must have taken a lot of energy on her part to be so involved in her life. She sounds like she was a very nice person, always there for you. You were a distraction from her divorce. She was trying to survive, and the energy that she put into your relationship was helping her to survive too. Perhaps if she had not gone through a divorce she wouldn't have been so eager to spend the time and the energy on your relationship. It wasn't real. She saw you as daughter for a while, but suddenly had a paradigm shift. Somewhere along the way the bubble burst for her and she stopped seeing you the same way. You don't have to assume that it is all about her possibly seeing you as a lesbian suddenly and getting turned off by that. That isn't necessarily the case.
Being a great mom does take a lot of energy. Maybe part of it is that she got burned out. And suddenly she doesn't have the same amount of time available.
This mom and daughter thing was a fantasy. It wasn't real. I know you wanted it to be. You somehow have to come to the realization that it was never real. You are obsessed with this. And she can probably see that. You are not living in reality. For whatever reason, she can't be what you want her to be. It has put her in a very uncomfortable position. You have to accept that.
I know you wanted it and needed it so bad. So much so that you slipped into a fantasy. You are going to have to rethink your entire history with her and put it into another context.
I have been going through a lot of pain missing and longing for my POA. But I have also had to accept that all my obsessions skewed reality. I was living in a fantasy. It wasn't real. In a way, coming to accept that helps me to move forward and leave it. I'm not mourning over something was only a mirage to begin with. I was in love with the feeling of romance. I was addicted to that feeling. It is what this addiction is all about.
Hang in there. You are a wonderful person. You have so much to give to others. I have enjoyed reading your comments. You really do help others a lot with your suggestions. Keep it up.
Rilly
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Post by needinanekg on Sept 22, 2008 7:45:38 GMT -8
Hey turtle. I love your name! We used to have a large slider turtle, and it was quite a struggle when it was upside down trying to right itself.
But you know, it always did -- right itself, I mean. It kept moving in the right direction until it had it's feet back on the rock.
I think you're getting there yourself. Keep moving in the right direction! I enjoy reading your updates!!
Needin
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Post by Turtle Lover on Sept 22, 2008 9:25:10 GMT -8
You know, I could easily live w/out the whole mother/daughter element to our relationship at this point, and I flat out told my so-called "surrogate mom" that this had probably been a mistake, and that we needed to re-examine our relationship, and to re-approach things as co-equals (at this point, I just wanted to salvage the relationship in some small way). She was unwilling to do even this much and was unwilling to even discuss that possibility. She just kicked me to the curb and told me to leave her alone. So, it isn't that I'm unwilling to let go of the whole mother/daughter thing, because I AM. It is just losing her altogether that is causing me to want to kill myself. Today those feelings have been VERY prominent, and it is so very hard to fight them.
The worst thing is that I don't feel that I can EVER trust anyone the same way, ever again. I gave this woman my SOUL.....I really did. I truly loved her. And now I feel that I've lost all faith in the human race, in God (this woman claimed to be a strong Christian), and in the very idea of love itself.
Regarding turtles -- I have an Ornate Box Turtle. I've had her for over a decade now.
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Post by Susan Peabody on Sept 22, 2008 10:07:49 GMT -8
I had a friend of 20 years who just dumped me. She moved to Washington a couple of years ago. We emailed everyday. I saved my money to fly up last week for my birthday. I bought a ticket. I packed my bag. She called and picked a fight. She said I had "too much political zeal" and it upset her. I was hurt. I was angry for a few days. Then I emailed her and asked if we could take a step back before the anxiety of me flying up hit her and salvage what we had. I have not heard from her. I have been rejected. I am also fine because I was not addicted to her. I say all this not to make you feel bad but because I want to hold out the promise of recovery to you. If you work hard on your recovery you never have to go through this again. Recovery takes the sting out of withdrawal.When my partner committed suicide 7 months ago I had thoughts of joining her. People talked me out of it. I want to talk you out of it. The painful feelings you have will pass. God wants you on this earth to finish your life. You are needed and wanted. Continue to talk about the thoughts. Don't let them take on a life of there own. DON'T ACT ON YOUR THOUGHTS. |
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Post by Susan Peabody on Sept 22, 2008 10:41:20 GMT -8
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Post by Susan Peabody on Sept 22, 2008 11:12:04 GMT -8
Because love addicts fall in love so easily, we often overlook boundaries that have been in place for years. I am heterosexual, but my last partner was a woman and I adored her. She was disabled after falling off a 4-story building and so we never had sex. But I have never been so happy in my whole life. We were so compatible. We were so happy. Sandra taught me that we should never question the package that a gift from God comes in. |
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Post by needinanekg on Sept 23, 2008 8:51:28 GMT -8
Susan -- what a lovely story. I can see that Sandra meant a lot to you, and she left you not too long ago. Where are you now in your grieving process? Do you want to share? I would love to hear more. What was the last straw for her in her own life?
I have read several posts on this board from people who want to make it clear that any bisexual behavior was mistaken or is over.
To me, if you find love with someone -- anyone -- without hurting others in the process -- you're luckier than most.
BTW, I enjoy that you offer your own, independent opinions on these boards regardless of reactions or of the posts that came before. This is to be admired. You are your own person.
--Needin
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Post by Susan Peabody on Sept 23, 2008 12:06:11 GMT -8
I have loved a lot of people in my life, but Sandra was my soul mate. We were perfectly matched. We had similar life's experience. Our inner children played well together. She was beauty and I was the beast. By that I mean she was sweet, kind, soft-spoken and I am loud and strident at times. (I have BPD.) She loved me unconditionally. The pain from her fall got the best of her and she finally committed suicide after the doctor told her there was nothing more he could do. I have never known anyone who suffered so bravely for so long. I believe she is is heaven and happy floating around unencumbered by a broken body. My grief is fresh. I miss her. I miss being in a relationship that was so loving. It did not matter to me that she was a woman. That was God's decision. On the other hand I am dating a man now because my children could not handle my love affair with Sandra. I am taking life one day at a time. I am accepting what God is putting in my life and what he is taking out. My faith has sustained me. LAA has given me something to do that has meaning. All is well in my life.  |
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Post by needinanekg on Sept 23, 2008 13:05:45 GMT -8
It is sad that your children could not handle your love for another human being. At first I typed "woman" instead of "human being." But I found while reading over my letter that "human being" is more fitting.
Perhaps in time they will see things in a different light. I suppose that for my children I would not wish them to be gay, but not for the reasons you may think. The world can be so cruel. I pray that the world is not overly cruel to my babies. That said -- If they were to come to me with that info., however, so be it. I love my babies unconditionally. They are a part of me. Happiness is that which we all seek, right? I know I do.
Thanks for sharing your story. My hope for you is that someday you are again able to share with someone that same depth of love as you did with Sandra. I believe we all have a shot at more than one soul mate!!! There are so many great people in this world. We just need to find them. I want you to know that my thoughts are with you.
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Post by Rilly on Sept 23, 2008 22:26:24 GMT -8
Yes, Susan, thank you for sharing. I was touched.
It is so nice when can freely express our feelings, and not be encumbered by having to weigh every word for political correctness.
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Post by Judy on Sept 24, 2008 3:31:20 GMT -8
hi turtlelover - I'm sorry you are in so much pain right now. I think you are getting terrific feedback from this board. I
I was DEVASTATED at the rejection of my last POA. I had never felt that kind of pain in my life. Or perhaps I had, as a child, but could not possibly process it.
I cried like I had never cried in my life. For a long time. I, too, believe the pain came from deep deep down in my soul, and had a lot to do with my history.
Like you I gave my heart and soul to this guy. I would have done anything for him. And because I felt that way I developed some kind of belief that he owed me his affection. After all, I was this wonderful person who loved him and was there for him. Unfortunately, that's not how it works.
Like rilly wrote, I was in love with my own projection of him, and in the fantasy of the relationship I kept hoping would develop.
You could spend a lot of time trying to figure out why this woman acted the way she did. You might find an answer, you might not. But you're going to waste a lot of precious time from YOUR life if you keep focusing on the "why's". Here's a harsh reality I learned: people do what they do. Sometimes there's no rhyme or reason.
Today I try to adjust MY sails and take care of myself rather than focus on why someone acts the way they do. It feels better and more empowering to do that.
I promise you that keeping the focus on your self and your well-being will help heal this pain. Let this relationship go for now. Just for today. Let go. Maybe you BOTH have to do some healing away from each other. She's not going to heal you. Your higher power will heal you.
Keep posting. Suggestion: take some action today. Go for a walk. Go to the gym, a museum, a bookstore, a movie. You will feel better. Do you go to ALANON? of any 12 step meetings? They help!
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Post by Turtle Lover on Sept 24, 2008 11:30:08 GMT -8
I did better yesterday. I thought maybe the darkness was lifting, but I had multiple nightmares about my POA last night, and I woke up in the WORST mood this morning. Then today, I found out that I had overdrafted my checking account because I can't think straight, and I calculated something wrong. So, now I don't even have money for gas. I'm having more serious thoughts of death. *sigh* I just feel so alone. Today is not good. I haven't managed to make myself do ANYTHING.
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Post by Susan Peabody on Sept 24, 2008 13:30:00 GMT -8
Are you seeing a doctor? Nightmares are PTSD. Addictions are very traumatic. Hang in there.
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Post by Judy on Sept 25, 2008 7:44:59 GMT -8
hi turtlelover - ditto what Susan asks/suggests: are you seeing a doctor? Years ago I said to my sponsor that I just wanted to die (not over love addiction, but a mistake I had made). She took that statement very seriously and strongly suggested I see a therapist. So I did. It helped enormously.
Any 12 step meetings in your area? Just go and listen to recovery.
Stay active. Don't get down on yourself for the mistakes (checking account.) We all do it.
Even on my BEST days I run out of gas!
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godsguy
Full Member
Prayer Requests
GOD IS LOVE!
Posts: 146
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Post by godsguy on Oct 4, 2008 21:23:26 GMT -8
You can refer to yourself as the kicking and screaming child. We've all been there. However, in time, the kicking screaming child picks herself up, stands up, stops crying and says "This is really boring & I'm getting tired. Where's my ice cream cone?"
I like this!
Turtleover, I will say that it may very well have been nothing you did to "provoke her over the top reaction." People love and leave sometimes because they don't know how to love properly, themselves nor others.
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Post by newdawn on Oct 4, 2008 21:54:06 GMT -8
Thats really interesting about nightmares being PTSD I have them often...sometimes I wake up so exhausted I think Im living two lives...haha my night is often tougher than real life. I have an amazing dream recall too, remembering up to 13 dreams a night. i do try to pay attention to them though, Ive had quite alot of messages through them.
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