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Post by marianne58 on Aug 30, 2008 22:24:18 GMT -8
Today I woke up this morning and actually thought that I'd do anything to stop the pain. It's so bad that daily life is becoming unbearable and I am scared I'm going to ruin my 8 year old daughter's life. I'm in love with I think a good man but am so insecure that if a day goes by without contact I think he's left me.
And he didn't contact me yesterday.
I only see him once every 2 weeks because he lives 4 hours drive away and it's killing me not being with him more. There's nothing we can do though for a couple of years to be closer and anyway we don't know eachother well enough yet. I feel foolish posting this to a group of people I don't know, even though I share so much with you and you seem wonderful and kind. All the men in my life have treated me badly and my ex betrayed me in the most awful way and I have to see him nearly every day. I think today I'll take my daughter to her father's and go and buy a couple of bottles of wine and drink till I pass out. I want to be dead. I so want to be dead.
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Post by bluebird on Aug 31, 2008 0:17:22 GMT -8
I'm going to read your post under step one. then return here.
Just wanted you to know that someone heard your cry.
I hope you are reading this tomorrow morning with a hang over and a will to live.
suicide is not the only option.
bluebird.
b.
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Post by bluebird on Aug 31, 2008 1:07:56 GMT -8
lots of acceptance in your step work. the kind of beginning you can build a new life around.
if drinking is troublesome to you, do you think you could set it aside for a bit?
it is a depressant.
for now, see how that might go.
just observe.
so very glad you are here. please keep reading and posting.
bluebird
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Post by judy on Aug 31, 2008 4:06:16 GMT -8
hi marianne58. Perhaps you don't want to be dead. Perhaps you just want the pain to stop. The drinking will stop the pain for awhile. But you will wake up (with a painful hangover) and have to start all over again.
You are not writing about having a glass of wine at dinner. You are talking about drinking till you pass out. Not good. Under any circumstances.
Take a walk. Go to a movie. Go to a gym. Call a friend. Watch TV. Read these posts. Volunteer. Do something fun with your daughter. Redecorate.
YOU WILL FEEL BETTER. If this long distance situation is not going to get better for awhile perhaps it is time to make a plan about how you are going to stay content and fulfilled and productive and alive until it does.
If I sound preachy - believe me - I have to do the same thing in my own life. I have spent SO many years obsessing about what I don't have and living in the fantasy of how it's going to be.
As an addict it can be lonely staying in the now, but it's worth it.
Don't pass out. Stay with it. Just for today.
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Post by marianne58 on Aug 31, 2008 6:54:33 GMT -8
Thank you for reading - I've been drinking but have not let it get out of control. So good to know you're out there to support me.
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Post by Susan Peabody on Aug 31, 2008 13:18:45 GMT -8
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Post by LovelyJune on Sept 1, 2008 12:59:17 GMT -8
marianne,
We are all here for you. We are all connected. I don't know what this life will bring you, let alone anyone else, but I can tell you that death may not be as calm and relaxing as we think it is. It might not take away that pain like we hope it does. When we depend so heavily on the unknown to solve our problems (death via suicide) we are taking a giant leap of faith into the unknown.
But if we try to solve our problems here and now and deal with them head on, there is a little more of a cushion and comfort.
I would really like you to make a doctor's appointment. Talk to someone about this. About your drinking. About your thoughts of suicide. You might be able to solve part of the feelings of "worry" that your bf is going to leave you through medication. Anti-anxiety meds have helped MANY people.
What are your thoughts on the possibility of meds?
Talk to us.
T
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Post by marianne58 on Sept 2, 2008 0:18:36 GMT -8
Thank you Telmita. I hear what you're saying about meds and I've been on them before. Maybe I should consider going on them again. I'm so anxious now I'm almost building up to a panic attack because I've had no contact since yesterday morning and have just sent him a text and am waiting for a reply. My behaviour is totally crazy and I'm scared I'm going to lose my job because I can't concentrate. I feel like hiding away, I'm just like a junkie desperate for a fix. It was my little girl's first day back at school today after the summer holidays - I want to be there for her but I'm not, I'm a shell and inside me is just this mass of need and helplessness. I don't like myself much and I don't know how he can like me either. If he knew what a mess I was, he'd run and run. But he says he loves me, how can he??
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Post by LovelyJune on Sept 2, 2008 3:58:30 GMT -8
marianne....
how can he love you? because no matter what you are made of, you are human and thus, worthy of love. trouble is, i cannot convince you of that. you need to learn that on your own. Do you see a therapist? Do you go to AA meetings or any group support meetings?
Waiting for his call and hearing "i love you" might be a quick fix to help you over this hurdle...but it won't last. He is not in charge of your happiness, girl. YOU ARE. AND YOU, just like anyone else, has a right to it and has the strength to accomplish it. When the pain of being a junkie is stronger than the pain of seeking out recovery, you will be ready.
T
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Post by Sexlessw on Sept 2, 2008 11:51:09 GMT -8
Marrianne58:
Oh boy. I'm sad to read your posts about how you feel. I won't go into do this that and the other thing right now - my only suggestion I have to offer you is - do seek counseling. You see that your behavior is not what it should be.
It's really really SCARY to ask for help. We cannot find help in a bottle. That will only make us feel worse and groggy (who needs a hangover?). Don't know about you, but I've had a few bad drunks in my life where all I did was sit crying helplessly -that did me no good at all.
You need to be healthy for the following person: YOU. If mom isn't healthy, than her daughter isn't healthy. It goes all down the line. I agree with Telmita - he can't "love" you into happiness.
Marrianne, please, when you're feeling this badly, do post - I know what it feels like - we all do - this board is a helpful place.
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Post by Turtle Lover on Sept 2, 2008 17:13:55 GMT -8
Marrianne58,
I can totally relate to how you are feeling -- wanting that "fix" of some contact. Please continue to share w/ us when you are down in the dumps rather than do something more destructive.
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Post by marianne58 on Sept 3, 2008 0:49:37 GMT -8
Thank you for your messages, they help so much. I am trying very hard to get a grip on my obsessive thought patterns but because I've had them all my life it's going to be a real challenge. And I certainly will post when the feelings take over.
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Post by Sexlessw on Sept 3, 2008 4:08:32 GMT -8
Marianne58:
Yes, that's right. You've had this your entire existence - it's a long haul to change it. It will not happen overnight.
In some respects I am ignorant - I wish I could offer you a tip(s) on how to blunt the obsessive thoughts. Several people recommended a rubberband on your wrist - keep snapping it everytime you thing of POA. I dunno - that would never work for me.
Have you tried other online resources on top of seeking a counselor? I'll tell you why I suggest that. It will GIVE YOU SOMETHING TO DO while you are attempting to blunt the thoughts (shoot - I just GAVE YOU A SUGGESTION - darn - don't get that rubberband out). You may feel like you are swimming thru molassas while you are doing something.
Again, we're here if you need support.
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