I wish I had the guts to do it but I don't yet

Hi Melsie,

I feel for what you are going through. You feel like you are at the bottom. It feels like you have nothing anymore, right? This is the time in your life where you need to seek out friends' support or a therapist. The "option" of suicide only seems appealing because you feel as though you've run out of other options. YOU HAVE NOT. The joy of life is that there are a gazillion options! Please know this. Or atleast, trust me. I've been at the bottom of the well. I still go down sometimes and feel the emptiness, but i KNOW i will always come back up.

Life takes guts melsie and you're doing it. It might seem rotten right now, but that's because you're closing up. Try to OPEN up a little today to the idea that you are OK, even though he is gone. And also, I would like you to try to stop blaming yourself for mistakes you made to lose him. It's hard to accept when someone leaves you because they just don't like you. But on top of that, you don't need to blame yourself for "making mistakes." Having human weaknesses is not a mistake. You cannot take his comments about your weight or appearance personally. That is WHO YOU ARE. That's HIS mistake, not yours. Your only mistake was not believing in yourself enough to see that you DESERVE LOVE NO MATTER WHAT. But that it must first come from YOU...no one else.

Hang in there. Keep posting. Tell us MORE!!!!

T

Hi Melsie,

I've hit rock bottom a few times. It's the darkest and scariest place I have ever been. And as everyone here says, it's not that I really wanted to die, I just didn't want to feel the pain anymore. But for me, the fear of dying is so much greater than the fear of living. I guess it's how and what you believe. Someone told me once to start at the beginning of the Bible and start reading. Tell yourself you will NOT do anything until you have read the WHOLE THING. So read whenever you can. By the time you are done reading, you will see it's not really what you want to do and you have just strengthened your relationship with God. You have read his word. You know He will not fail you.

I hope this helps and I will pray for you!

We care a lot about you. Please partake in recovery and see where it takes you. It has worked miracles on people even more messed up then us
I know things are black right now but I also know that your Higher Power has a plan for you.
I have thought of suicide too...don't think I would have gone through with it but...
I just prayed for you.
Tell us how you are doing...we care!

I just read all the replies to my post. I didn't expect it to be honest. It is nice to know that you care enough to reply to me. Today I feel sad. I am obviously still here on the planet. I have still had no contact with my POA either by hearing his voice, sending him a text or seeing him f2f. I am driving a car that was bought for him which is now mine. It is for sale so hopefully will be sold soon so I can get rid of that memory.

It is devastating to be not wanted by someone I loved and adored and I guess worshipped like a God. It is devastating to have the one weakness that he had as a strength and that is to control my eating and my body shape and size. I couldn't and he could. I look at myself now and I just don't like it. It is almost like I am rebelling. He bought me a treadmill I always wanted at the time of our breakup and now I can't use it because it is connected to him. I hate that!!! I hope that goes - does it go or will I need to sell the thing and buy a new one.

I would be 10 kgs heavier. I hate it. I hate how it feels and how it looks but somehow I would be in worse pain if I looked perfect and 10kgs lighter in this situation because I can justify why he wouldn't want to be with me now, but if I was lighter, I would not be coping without this reason. Weird and probably confusing to some - it is to me.

Each minute of life seems like an eternity when I am by myself sometimes now. I want to be comfortable in my own skin. I want to be free of my food compulsion. I want to be free of fantasizing about men loving me. It is crazy.

Melsie

Well, good to hear from you. I think you deserve to have a pity party. You have gone through a lot and it sounds painful.
Reach out to someone at a meeting or a counselor and keep posting here.
I hate being an addict too. Why does it have to be so d**n hard?

Hi melsie - For what it's worth - I looked FABULOUS for the last 10 years during my active addiction to the POA. We both worked out. We were both in great shape. I am no babe, but people literally stopped me on the street to comment on my arms. I was very toned and defined. I have beautiful red hair and a great smile.

And you know what - HE STILL DIDN"T WANT ME.

Short, tall, fat, thin, smart, not-so-smart, talented, boring, - whatever. If it's not meant to be, it's not meant to be. I did everything. I through myself at this guy. No deal.

That isn't to say that I don't love being healthy and looking great. Shallow as it sounds - it's the best revenge. However, I do what I do because I want to feel good. I don't do it to please anyone. And I know that working out, eating right, and taking care of myself is no guarantee of ANYTHING.

The difficult part of getting sober, abstinent, clean, in any addiction is to realize that all your dreams and fantasies don't necessarily, automatically, come true just because you're in a thin, sober, clean, abstinent body. To me, all any of these programs guarantee is a day of life without the drug. Then I'm just like anyone else on the planet. Good things happen. Bad things happen. And the principals of the 12 steps help me to cope with all of it so I don't pick up again.

Whatever you do, do it for you and try to take the focus off this guy.

Again, for what it's worth, my POA, like yours, was in great shape. Big, handsome, athletic. Sometimes, I too, would be jealous of him. Last Spring he was diagnosed with cancer. He has spent all summer in treatment. He is slowly making his way back.

You never know what is going to happen from day to day. I am learning not to compare. Just keep the focus on myself. God knows, I have a enough to deal with on my own recovery.

Keep posting!

Hello,

It has been a while. Must be two or three weeks. The car we bought for him that I ended up with sold within one week of advertising it and I literally had five days to find myself another one !! whilst working fulltime !! So every night I was looking and everyday in my spare time I was phoning. Out of the blue came one at the last minute. Exhausting for me. I thought I was going to be catching the bus. I love my new car - Holden Vectra. It is all mine and has no attachments to anyone I am addicted to

So that was one job of many break up jobs completed.

Next job to tackle is the tax return and credit card debt that we have together. I am tasked this weekend with the tax preparation (ugh!!!). I have obsessed ALL morning about my POA so I started reading a book about Obsessive Love - I got to say - that is definitely me. I think that I need to 'help him see' that I am worth loving. He did have the perfect body to me. I have the ability to look past their flaws to their heart and love them unconditionally. I wish I could give myself the same gift.

I tell you - I am definitely keen to move in that direction towards myself. I have discovered in the last few days that I am attracted to situations that set me up to fail. I get strong warnings about people and that adds to the attraction!! I am obsessed with body size and weight.

I have been going through a period where healthy food and exercise reminds me painfully of my POA and so I have been avoiding that to avoid the painful reminder of his words. This has sent me to really suffering unnecessarily. So I desperately want to not avoid my pain and face this stuff. It is like if I stay gross in my perception, than it makes sense he doesn't want me and I am less likely to chase him. Not very good plans. I love the beach and I have been avoiding it as well because we went to the beach so much. I struggle to do the things I love and I am attracted to the things that will hurt me - go figure that one!!!

Everything is back to front here. So I need to get the horse in front of cart again because the cart can't pull the horse. If you understand. I am very lonely today. Friday night my pain really starts because it is the start of the weekend. I look at my unit and it is beautiful. It speaks of love and God and I am sad I have no one to share it with. I wish I could be happy with sharing it with just myself.

I want to love myself unconditionally. I want to do the loving thing in all situations. I don't know how to unlock that yet but I am searching for the key. I am working on trusting God more and talking to something that is love so I can do more for myself.

I scored a relieving role at a level higher than I am and now I am managing other people. I am pretty happy because before I sat in an office by myself all day. I live by myself and I don't have friends I socialise with so life can be lonely. I am not getting my 12 hugs a day that I am told is needed. I hug my plush puppy teddy at night and hug myself but it isn't the same. I crave touch and I am an affectionate person. I just don't think I can go to work and get hugs.

It is a beautiful day and I struggle to go outside. I am afraid to enjoy. Yet I want to so badly. I really like talking to you all. I like reading your posts. This website is really good.

I texted him during the week. Today it is a struggle not to text him. Last week I hated him and today I want to touch him. This is hellish torture this addiction ! ! ! !

I changed my will last week which was the one thing keeping me from killing myself - everything I owned would go to him. I would rather give it to my little sister whom I love dearly. So I went to do this and they told me that the houses in both names will go to him if I die. That didn't impress me. Now I can't die until we change houses to one name. God is plotting to keep me here. I don't understand why if I don't get better because I am of no use to others except to teach what not to do. I would like to be an example of recovery.

My hair has been falling out the last few days. I am exhausted from the cortisol release due to stress. So I have been dropping off the quantity in my life and trying to add in quality. Reducing my doing and increasing my allowing. Reducing my fears and worries and increasing my love and acceptance. Sounds good in theory here, doesn't it! I have beautiful brown hair that I love so I want to keep it. I am working to do that.

I'm off for a massage now. I woke up with shooting pains down my legs and my back. So I'm off to pay someone to help me care for it.

Take care and talk soon
Melsie

hi melsie - I love my living space too. I love being in it. I am so grateful to have it. I think you're right - enjoy "sharing" it with yourself.

I feel so lucky to have a home. Not only because there are many many people who don't, but because I grew up in chaos, abuse, no boundaries, no quiet space of my own. And so I went out into the world, and although I wanted fame and fortune and love, I see that everywhere I went, and everywhere I lived, and through all the outside things I pursued, what I REALLY craved was a space of my own.

Now I have it. It is a gift.

And I ENVY your massage! Good for you!

I suffered from the cortisol abuse, too, I think. I think peri-menopause was really painful because I lacked sufficient hormonal balance due to all the corisol I used up during the past 12 year addiction!

Oh, well, it's over. Onward and upward.

You're taking some great steps!

I have wanted to contact him the last few days and I have been obsessing over him. I don't understand it. I have told myself the truth but there is something inside me that remembers the 'bliss' and wants that back. Even if he wanted to take me back, it wouldn't last long. He doesn't and is incapable of being emotionally available to me. Our relationship is over. I need to accept that. I havee this incessant need to fix it and make it alright. I want to pretend the breakup didn't happen and he never said those things or did those things he did that was so unhealthy. I keep thinking how things may have been different if I had of been in a different place. The truth is, I had to feed my fantasy CONSTANTLY in order for me to continue the belief that I didn't need to end the relationship myself.

I pretended and hid the truth from myself and my sponsor. I have been through this situation and done the same thing with the fantasising. I think this is why I find it so hard now, but my mind is very skilled and had alot of practice at painting a picture for me to return to a dangerous and unhealthy situation.

The truth in my soul doesn't fade though. That is where the throwing up and overexercising and the crazy behaviour came into play. And the self sacrifice I did to try and meet ALL his conditions for me to stay was incredible. I couldn't BEAR for the relationship to end for so long.

My fear of that did reduce below the pain of staying and I was the one who moved to end the relationship first. It was when the withdrawal set in that I then crumbled and became a blubbering mess and started throwing my dignity out the window to do anything to get him to say we could try and it wasn't over. The pain was excrutiating when it set in. My God, what pain.

I hope I use that pain and not waste it. I do not want to repeat this again. I don't know if I would make it out again. I have had a few goes at it and each time it got more painful. I need to change and today is a good day to start that. They don't need to change. I do. I would never have chosen to be with him had I not got addicted to him so quickly before I found out what he stood for and who he was.

talk soon
Melsie