Post by candee on Oct 23, 2008 2:19:55 GMT -8
hi
Id just like to give you a detailed account of my personal experiences with suicide and recovering from such thoughts and feelings.
Im going to start with details of felling suicidal when I just came to this board.
I was overwhelmed by pain and i saw no way out.Crying didnt help.Therapy didnt help much.I felt so stuck I thought Id never become unstuck and that dying would be the easy option.I couldnt cope and i had no tools for dealing with myself much less with the world around me.All I was then,was a body casing.I had nothing inside.I was dead inside.all I was,was pain.joy didnt know me much back then.
I then went to rehab( Im not at all suggesting that rehab is the only way out,but it worked for me ).
I was forced to deal with myself on an intimate,spiritual and group level.I had to expose my deepest thoughts and feelings on a daily basis.I learned about my addiction/s.I learnt how to feel my feelings and how to push through them with the knowledge that THIS TOO SHALL PASS.
Some days all I want to do is not be alive.I felt that way yesturday.But what Ive learnt is that it passes.This is how I deal with it now.Sometimes Im so sad inside that Im sure it will consume me and i wouldnt have to kill myself,but it doesnt and everytime i push through I become a little stronger.
What helped me was that I had the chance to talk about my deepest secrets,feelings etc.I started doing step four and realising why I so heavy laided with issues.And that these things can me dispersed of in time.That I wont be carrying all this with me for a lifetime.
Guys step 4 for me was like opening pandoras box.Im still in alot of emotional pain.Im still struggling but im learning what it is to take care of myself and love myself.
And its hard to break off LA relationships.But its doable.If someone as messed up as I was could break free from certain people,then you could to.
My focus has shifted from being obsessed with my POA to focussing on myself.Its so hard,I still go back and forth,I mess up,make mistakes,wanna control.But i find solace in knowing that I have the power to pull through.Ive witnessed the joy of being in control of my life.
Its like nothing Ive felt before.And before I give myself to much of an ego boost.I do believe that GOD answers prayers,He answers prayers in HIs time though.Ive prayed to be free of my POA for months and only now can I see what GOD has done in me.
Lastly,do I still want to die...Yes sometimes and thats great because before Id wouldve liked to die ALL THE TIME.i lived with the gloom of wishing I could end my life.These days I can be happy when Im happy.
Is there hope... You bet there is hope.How... By not quitting before the miracle happens,by reaching out,by not being ashamed of you suicidal thoughts.By knowing that not everyone thinks you are looking for ATTENTION just because you talking about killing yourself.
There is hope when we get so fed up with the hurtful people we have in our lives.When we decide not to be around people who make us feel LESS THAN... there is hope when you can break down and know that there are safe places like these and that we will carry you through the dark times.
Am i cured of all of this LA stuff??? Not a chance.
Am I cured of suicidal thoughts...No,and I might come here and confess my desire to end my life,but that too will pass.
Is recovery the hardest things Ive ever done.No...It was harder being in addiction.
Is recovery and emotional work hard.Oh you bet its hard...But its worth it!
Have I discovered that Im no more or less thatn anyone else.Yes!!!
WEve been hurt so much,lets not hurt ourselves more.Stand up for your truth and be who you are without needing the permission of anyone else.
Take care and know that i hve been where you currently are,Ive felt the lows.ive lost all hope.Ive sstuffped the bottom of the barrell.Ive cried,hated,self mutilated,self destructed,made mistakes.Done the wrong things,done despicable things.Ive hurt myself adn others and thats ok.Its ok to be exactly where you ar without feeling too much shame about it.
This is the time that you have a huge responsibility towards yourself to fight twice as hard for your life!!! Hang in there.You are in my prayers
Id just like to give you a detailed account of my personal experiences with suicide and recovering from such thoughts and feelings.
Im going to start with details of felling suicidal when I just came to this board.
I was overwhelmed by pain and i saw no way out.Crying didnt help.Therapy didnt help much.I felt so stuck I thought Id never become unstuck and that dying would be the easy option.I couldnt cope and i had no tools for dealing with myself much less with the world around me.All I was then,was a body casing.I had nothing inside.I was dead inside.all I was,was pain.joy didnt know me much back then.
I then went to rehab( Im not at all suggesting that rehab is the only way out,but it worked for me ).
I was forced to deal with myself on an intimate,spiritual and group level.I had to expose my deepest thoughts and feelings on a daily basis.I learned about my addiction/s.I learnt how to feel my feelings and how to push through them with the knowledge that THIS TOO SHALL PASS.
Some days all I want to do is not be alive.I felt that way yesturday.But what Ive learnt is that it passes.This is how I deal with it now.Sometimes Im so sad inside that Im sure it will consume me and i wouldnt have to kill myself,but it doesnt and everytime i push through I become a little stronger.
What helped me was that I had the chance to talk about my deepest secrets,feelings etc.I started doing step four and realising why I so heavy laided with issues.And that these things can me dispersed of in time.That I wont be carrying all this with me for a lifetime.
Guys step 4 for me was like opening pandoras box.Im still in alot of emotional pain.Im still struggling but im learning what it is to take care of myself and love myself.
And its hard to break off LA relationships.But its doable.If someone as messed up as I was could break free from certain people,then you could to.
My focus has shifted from being obsessed with my POA to focussing on myself.Its so hard,I still go back and forth,I mess up,make mistakes,wanna control.But i find solace in knowing that I have the power to pull through.Ive witnessed the joy of being in control of my life.
Its like nothing Ive felt before.And before I give myself to much of an ego boost.I do believe that GOD answers prayers,He answers prayers in HIs time though.Ive prayed to be free of my POA for months and only now can I see what GOD has done in me.
Lastly,do I still want to die...Yes sometimes and thats great because before Id wouldve liked to die ALL THE TIME.i lived with the gloom of wishing I could end my life.These days I can be happy when Im happy.
Is there hope... You bet there is hope.How... By not quitting before the miracle happens,by reaching out,by not being ashamed of you suicidal thoughts.By knowing that not everyone thinks you are looking for ATTENTION just because you talking about killing yourself.
There is hope when we get so fed up with the hurtful people we have in our lives.When we decide not to be around people who make us feel LESS THAN... there is hope when you can break down and know that there are safe places like these and that we will carry you through the dark times.
Am i cured of all of this LA stuff??? Not a chance.
Am I cured of suicidal thoughts...No,and I might come here and confess my desire to end my life,but that too will pass.
Is recovery the hardest things Ive ever done.No...It was harder being in addiction.
Is recovery and emotional work hard.Oh you bet its hard...But its worth it!
Have I discovered that Im no more or less thatn anyone else.Yes!!!
WEve been hurt so much,lets not hurt ourselves more.Stand up for your truth and be who you are without needing the permission of anyone else.
Take care and know that i hve been where you currently are,Ive felt the lows.ive lost all hope.Ive sstuffped the bottom of the barrell.Ive cried,hated,self mutilated,self destructed,made mistakes.Done the wrong things,done despicable things.Ive hurt myself adn others and thats ok.Its ok to be exactly where you ar without feeling too much shame about it.
This is the time that you have a huge responsibility towards yourself to fight twice as hard for your life!!! Hang in there.You are in my prayers
