I have ruined my life

2much - not that it should make a difference, but even if your POA is saying his life is great and thriving - you don't what that means.

Please please please TAKE YOUR MIND OFF HIM. Bring it back to YOU.

You are dealing with the consequences of love addicted behavior. It's not pretty. But this is the time when we need to act like adults and face those consequences and deal with them - one day at a time.

Take the focus off the POA and deal with your own marraige. It seems pretty natural to me that your husband is angry about your infidelity.

I had a whole organization angry at me for the situation I caused in the workplace because of this addiction. It was extremely painful and humiliating. It has taken me a good while to rectify my behavior - in an adult way. I didn't grovel (well, I did for a short time which didn't work), I held my head high, I let people be angry, I stood my ground, I acted in a way that gained back their trust, I made amends one day at a time - not by apologizing all over the place, but by my actions and behavior.

It wasn't always easy. The main person involved continued to be difficult for awhile. But I couldn't blame him. He and I have a pleasant relationship now.

Everything is falling apart right now, 2much, as it should. Now it's time to rebuild. There is so much support and help out there, and certainly here. Everyone, and the universe, is rooting for you - even if your husband can't right now.

If you can get through this time you will have done the most courageous thing. Do you have children? If so, they need a mother who is available to them. Not perfect, just available.

Everything loving is NOT gone. If you are breathing there is love.

Now I am thinking that if I were dead, at least I could be with him in heaven. Help!

I went through this when my partner committed suicide. Time and medication helped. I will pray for you. You are needed here on earth. Don't leave us.

2 much pain,
to get a different result, try a different approach.
YOu have searched your intelligence and it has not saved you.
YOu have searched out others and they have failed you.
what do you need to try something different?
Everything you want is only waiting for you to be willing.
b.

Still here, 2much, and rooting for you. I couldn't let go either. For YEARS. And I was pathetic and desperate and acting in ways I would never have thought I would stoop too. When I watch "Fatal Attraction" now I cringe because that was me!!!

I have cried RIVERS. If it wasn't for my original 12 step program and the fact that my recovery in that is the most important thing in my life (as your children are to you) I'm sure I would have ended up in a hospital or a prison or something. I have never felt pain like that in my life.

But I don't feel it today!!!!! And as I have written, I SEE my last POA living what looks like the perfect life. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. Today I'm more concerned with my own life. Does it sting to see his fiancee. Yes. Is it devastating? No. Do I cry anymore? No. Do I want to end it all? No.

I PROMISE YOU - this will pass. You will come to a place of acceptance, however minute it is. When your body mind and soul calm down you will be ready to start the journey of recovery. I have had more awarenesses and aha moments in the past three months on this site!!! It feels great.

I really do feel stronger and calmer, and dare I say it, wiser. But I know it is constant vigilance. I never want to go back to being the victim or wrapping my life around someone else.

Anyway - this is about YOU. LIke Scarlett O'Hara said "Tomorrow is another day".

Hang in there!!!

Wow, Rilly, that's some pretty tough love. I don't even think I'm that tough!!! And yet...you are right. It's all about getting real.

2Much - I hope you made it through this day. I've been there myself (too many times) and even though I am new to these boards, hope I can share from my experience.

1. No relationship is worth the sacrifice of your precious life.
2. You feel like your life is ending, but it is only changing. Change is scary because it is unknown, but it is what helps move us away from the past, and beyond the present. You have to get through this painful situation, learn from it, and move forward to a life which holds new opportunities for happiness and joy.
3. I believe God has a purpose and a plan for us. When we are broken and feel beyond repair, He wants us to turn to him. Let go.....and God will lift your burden and God will give you healing, if you will only have faith. Believe in the possibility for new beginnings, for healing, for wisdom, for growth, for joy.
4. I have been where you are...I felt so trapped in a terrible marriage and so unable to see a brighter future that I actually made a serious suicide attempt, serious enough that I actually flat-lined twice and had a near death experience. My husband found me, saw what I had done (I had overdosed on his back pain medications), and physically and verbally abused me and then abandoned me....left me to die on our bathroom floor. He got in his car and left town, drove to his mother's. He didn't call 911, but left a voice mail message on my sister's answering machine. It is only by the grace of God that I am alive.

1 Corinthians 6:19-20
19Or do you not know that your body is a temple* of the Holy Spirit within you, which you have from God, and that you are not your own? 20For you were bought with a price; therefore glorify God in your body.

When I was released from the hospital, I moved to an apartment with help from family. I never moved back to my husband. We are separated, and I plan to divorce him. I am able to forgive him for what he did, but I will never life with him again as his wife. As far as I am concerned, the moment I flat-lined my marriage vows to him were released. God liberated me and freed from bondage. My life truly belongs to God, and I am truly living in his grace. I experienced the presence of the Holy Spirit, filled with peace which surpasses understanding, touched so deeply by God's love and mercy for me. I know I am forgiven, I know God loves me. I know God has a purpose for me to continue to live. I was given a new life, and filled with a new courage to LIVE.

Forgive me if I am being overly religious, but I have to share this good news. When you feel broken and life seems hopeless and worthless, there is always a way out. God can do amazing unbelievable things if you put your faith in Him and surrender to him.

Just get out there and reach out for help. If you are in serious danger, go to the hospital. See a doctor or counselor or social worker or minister. Lean on a recovery group. Surround yourself with positive messages of hope. Nurture yourself. DO NOT GIVE UP. SUICIDE is not the answer. DO NOT THROW AWAY your precious life over some guy or some affair. You made a mistake, you have to be able to let go of your shame and guilt and anger and forgive yourself. God can forgive you. Your husband may be angry, and this is understandable. If you do not feel safe with him, a physical separation may be necessary, but if you want to save your marriage then do everything you can to get help and support for the two of you to work through the pain and rebuild the trust and love. Or if that is not possible, you let go of it, and you just keep moving forward.

Love addicts are terrified of abandonment....even if it means we are being rejected or abandoned by someone who has nothing to give, someone who hurts or abuses or neglects us.
We are terrified of being alone. We have to change our way of thinking and realize that if we are trapped in an unhealthy pattern of living we have to be willing to to lose it in order to allow ourselves to be free, free to find something more joyous and mutually beneficial, to find healing and recovery. CHOOSE LIFE, choose to do things which affirm and nurture and support your life. Tomorrow is a new day. Seize it, live it, enjoy it.

We cannot ruin our lives! We can ruin things in our lives and we may feel we have ruined our past, but we cannot say our future is ruined because it hasn't happened yet, and if we are ruining the present, then we have the ultimate power to turn that around. Be stroooong!, as I know you can be. Keep your head up and your spirits. You believe in a higher power take this time to ask him to show his power, to show his existence is real. He is alive!

I am praying hard for you, as I have been since you joined. If you forgive yourself, truly forgive yourself, let go of the guilt and shame, and remember that it has all been paid, one day others will forgive you. If they see you are strong and that you no longer hold on to guilt and unforgiveness, they will want to be a part of that. This will also make it easier to forgive others who have hurt you and those that hurt you in the future.

Keep your head held high. Bring yourself back up. Only you can. Others can help, but only you can.
Best wishes to you, sincerely.

I'm sending you some love 2muchpain.

I feel I have ruined my life also with my obsessive behaviour, I took my vision off my career and had to leave. I have been doing volunter work for nearly 10 months now. The strange thing is that now I am in recovery and go to LAA meetings and counciling I feel I can only go up, cause I'v hit rock bottom. Everything is an achievement from getting up in the morning to exercise to having a nutrisious meal (especially with a friend), and I document it on a daily level. Movement is extremly important and helps dramatically. I don't expect to live like this for the rest of my life, and know that this is just a small part of a long tunnel, and when I am out of it, I will never ever enter that tunnel of addictive love obsession again. Thanx heaps for posting.

2much,
Hold hands with me because I am feeling the EXACT same way. My POA had a girlfriend only 6 weeks after I wrote him a NC letter and only 10 months later he's ENGAGED to her!
I, of course, think his life is perfect. My psychiatrist says he had to jump into another relationship in order to not feel the pain of losing me. I don't know what is true but the only reason I found out is because someone told me (when I specifically asked her not to!).
This threw me back into suicide mode.
My husband is an angel. He has been putting up with my stuff for 14 months. However, he said he was repulsed by my "crying over another man" (and this POA is stuff....alcoholic, gambler, bi-polar and ex-con). What my husband said to me made me realize I could really lose him. I don't want that. I want to keep my family together.
This site has been a lifesaver. I see now how my obsessive love addiction is such a mental illness that I WILL beat.
You can too! We'll do it together while holding hands.
Do you want to work things out with your husband?
Are you cyber stalking?

Yes, I will do that. Can you delete my name from the post? I changed my username realizing it was a bit too revealing should someone I know also be on this board.

From Susan. Send link with name you wanted deleted.