Yes I think I may very well be suicidal.

Sunshine...Re-read what you wrote: You were doing well then you went back to the drug...you looked at things that triggered you and did behaviors that hurt...like reaching out to him.

You were doing better when you physically prevented yourself from doing those things. You are hurting but you are here because you want help and you want to change. You need to change. You need to continue doing the things that prevented you from peeking back at your old life. You will only continue to make yourself toxic if you dabble in that behavior.

Someday, maybe, you might be able to go back and look without getting triggered...maybe you won't. But, you WERE doing better when you were taking care of yourself and keeping away from all of that old behavior.

YOU CAN DO THIS.

Recenter yourself and write some goals...just write out some short term goals of a day or a week for now. It's less overwhelming when you take it day by day.

You are absolutely not alone. We have your back. Let us know how you're doing. Tell us some ideas you have to prevent yourself from looking at all the pics, emails and contacting him. Have a plan and make a promise to yourself.

LovingGracefully.

Thanks to all of you. I don't know what came over me yesterday after feeling so good. It hit me out of the blue. I feel better today but still regret I gave in and mailed him. He did respond nicely but I know it just cant start again so its back to NC, more thought stopping and yes reading reading reading!
Bless you all