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Post by claire3264 on Feb 13, 2009 5:58:40 GMT -8
My boyfriend died on Sun nite of an overdose and I am 5 years sober and have put myself and children at risk I don't know how to deal with all the feelings of shame, guilt that I have. My sponsor and friend in AA are fed up of me using relationships to change the way I feel and my AA friend has given up on me just now. I feel so bad about myself part of me wants to join him but I don't have the courage. I have only done to step 5 but can't seem to hand my will over what can I do.
Claire
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Post by tcooley on Feb 13, 2009 6:34:45 GMT -8
Claire,
You have GOT to pull yourself together for the sake of your children. I know the pain of a devastating loss like this but you cannot give up on life. You should not be ashamed or feel any guilt. His choices were his alone and you cannot take responsibilty for his actions, only your own. You could not save him but you can save yourself Claire. IT IS NEVER TO LATE to seek help and make a change in your life. You are only 45 years old, you have a good 40 years ahead of you to turn your life around and make a better life and set a better example for your children. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Most of us use relationships to alter the way we feel...we are addicts. Surrender to the fact that you are an addict and that your life is unmanageable. AA addicts don't understand the mind of a love addict so they will get frustrated Claire. You CANNOT take their frustration personally. You need to get an LA sponsor who will better understand the way your mind is working. GET SUICIDE out of your thoughts. Look in the mirror Claire. You are beautiful, worthy, valuable, and you are a MOM. You can get through this Claire I promise you that. Only a month ago I stood in my shower with a razor to my wrist. Its not that I needed courage to die...I needed courage to live. YOU have that courage. You are needed on this earth Claire. Your babies need you, your family needs you, you need you. God is not ready for you yet. We ARE ALL HERE FOR YOU. YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS.
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Post by LovingGracefully on Feb 13, 2009 8:04:53 GMT -8
Claire,
You cannot join your friend. He made another choice. You have tools to use to get out of this emotional state. You have to believe that you will feel differently if you let us help you and you begin to get help yourself.
You really need to see a professional at this point. You have a lot going on and are in an emergency situation. Take this seriously. This is YOUR life, not his. You have people who love you even through right now you can’t feel it.
These feelings are temporary. It feels like they’re going to last forever. I know this. I thought the same thing. They don’t. Don’t worry about the step work right now. You are not in a place to go through the steps.
Your children want their mother. Your friends want you back. You need to want this too.
I read something yesterday that was posted here and it really struck me. I sent it to a few people I know. I think you should read it. As you’re reading it, Claire, you visualize yourself walking across that bridge. We are on the other side offering our hands. We are reaching out for you. You don’t have to stay on the other side. Please read this carefully.
We can go forward with our life and recoveries, even though someone we love is not yet recovering.
Picture a bridge. On one side of the bridge it is cold and dark. We stood there with others in the cold and darkness, doubled over in pain. Some of us developed an eating disorder to cope with the pain. Some drank; some used other drugs. Some of us lost control of our sexual behavior. Some of us obsessively focused on addicted people's pain to distract us from our own pain. Many of us did both: we developed an addictive behavior, and distracted ourselves by focusing on other addicted people. We did not know there was a bridge. We thought we were trapped on a cliff.
Then, some of us got lucky. Our eyes opened, by the Grace of God, because it was time. We saw the bridge. People told us what was on the other side: warmth, light, and healing from our pain. We could barely glimpse or imagine this, but we decided to start the trek across the bridge anyway.
We tried to convince the people around us on the cliff that there was a bridge to a better place, but they wouldn't listen. They couldn't see it; they couldn't believe. They were not ready for the journey. We decided to go alone, because we believed, and because people on the other side were cheering us onward. The closer we got to the other side, the more we could see, and feel, that what we had been promised was real. There was light, warmth, healing, and love. The other side was a better place.
But now, there is a bridge between those on the other side and us. Sometimes, we may be tempted to go back and drag them over with us, but it cannot be done. No one can be dragged or forced across this bridge. Each person must go at his or her own choice, when the time is right. Some will come; some will stay on the other side. The choice is not ours.
We can love them. We can wave to them. We can holler back and forth. We can cheer them on, as others have cheered and encouraged us. But we cannot make them come over with us.
If our time has come to cross the bridge, or if we have already crossed and are standing in the light and warmth, we do not have to feel guilty. It is where we are meant to be. We do not have to go back to the dark cliff because another's time has not yet come.
The best thing we can do is stay in the light, because it reassures others that there is a better place. And if others ever do decide to cross the bridge, we will be there to cheer them on.
Your time is now, Claire. Walk across that bridge. Take a step. Please keep telling us how you’re doing. We will not get annoyed or exhausted. Tell us anything. It is safe here. No judgments.
LovingGracefully
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Post by claire3264 on Feb 13, 2009 8:34:11 GMT -8
Hi Tcooley and Loving Gracefully thank you so much for your messages. I do feel very alone and bad at the moment as if there is no way out of this black hole. Feels like when I started in AA and I know the long journey I had ahead of me. There is fear about not being able to do it, shame of what I have done and that I haven't done the AA programme, shame about the way my friends feel about me and the upset I have brought on my parents again. There is also a great sadness at the death of Steve, he was special no matter what his problems I just don't understand why I didn;t walk away though I must be very sick! Just not sure where I go from here, my AA sponsor tells me that I have made a big mess here and have to take the consequences of my actions. It all just frightens me so much. Today I am looking after my girls as they and I have colds etc god I wish I was "normal", I feel like I never will be. My sponsor says that I display a pattern. I get some peace on my own with my girls then I get bored and look for a relationship I get into one and am never at peace, always waiting for texts, phone calls does he still like me am I pretty enough and it is torture. I think the hardest feeling at the moment is that I have been bad just like a naughty girl and am being judged (although they dont mean to) by my 2 closest friends, I have let everyone down. Please keep talking to me. Also how do I get a copy of Susan's book, not sure where to get it over here.
Claire xx
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Post by LovingGracefully on Feb 13, 2009 8:50:06 GMT -8
Claire,
Your feelings of shame are because of your actions. Your sponsors, friends and family know you are worth more than you are behaving.
These are temporary feelings if you can get help now. Don't succumb to this temporary emotional state. It took some work to get sober but you transferred some of that addiction to other places. That's alright. Now you need to figure this out.
You have a lot on your plate. You have a death, feeling like you're letting the world down, you feel like you're letting yourself down...it's a big burden but it's all fixable. This mess is just something that needs to get sorted through. It feels bigger than you are but there are shovels and you have time. You just need some tools, help and belief in yourself.
This is all fixable. It's temporary. Keep saying that to yourself.
I don't know where you live but you can order any of the books mentioned on the home page on Amazon.com. They are all there. You can get inexpensive used books in great condition too. I think they deliver almost anywhere in the world.
Think of this time as being at a retreat. Take care of you. Learn all that you can. Soak it in. Keep the focus on recovering.
In time the feelings you have within yourself will refine your behaviors. Your new behaviors will help guide your new life. It all will fall into place. Every action you take today will help your tomorrow and so on. It just happens. I'm living proof of that.
Keep posting, Claire. Go to Amazon.com and find those books. Order them today. When you get them...read them. Don't just look at them...open them and study them. This is YOUR life you are saving. You'll begin to be able to live again but in a better way.
LovingGracefully
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Post by claire3264 on Feb 13, 2009 10:32:40 GMT -8
HI Loving Gracefully thank you. This site is all that is keeping me going just now I feel so alone. My child is playing up and the other one has the flu I just want to sit in the corner and cry but I can't. I think I can't come to terms with what I have done what if I can't ever do this?
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Post by judy on Feb 13, 2009 10:51:44 GMT -8
Hi claire - You're getting some good advice and support.
First - DON'T DRINK. Use your AA sponsor and AA support system for that. All of this will look like a walk in the park if you pick up. DON'T DRINK.
Second - Use THIS site for the love addiction. Keep posting. Everyone of us has, in one respect or another, been where you are. Brace yourself - YOU ARE NOT UNIQUE. This disease is VERY VERY shame based. More so than any other addiction I think. I have been recovering in my primary 12 step group for 27 years (this week!). I did not bottom out with the love addiction until I was 15 - 20 years sober! And I was in my 40's.
I lost jobs and friends and reputation and self respect and my mind and my body and my soul over the period of a decade. And had you known me you wouldn't think in a million years I'd have behaved the way I behaved. It's an ADDICTION.
I am only lucky I did not have children. I KNOW I would have put them at risk.
For today - it is behind you. For today - it is behind ME. We only have TODAY.
Don't delve into the past. Leave anything that has to be dealt with from the past until you are stronger and can handle it. Don't project into the future. That's in God's hands.
Stay in today. Play with your kids. Continually THANK GOD (or whatever your higher power is) that you are alive and sober and have found this site. Stay grateful even if you don't FEEL grateful.
Act your way into right thinking.
Never mind what other people think about you. WE here on this site know exactly what you are going through. You cannot afford "shame based" thinking right now.
Keep it really simple.
I am on these boards as much as possible over the past seven months. They are saving my life and my sanity.
They will save yours too!
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Post by claire3264 on Feb 13, 2009 12:51:48 GMT -8
Hi Judy
Thank you so much for your message. It makes very much sense and it makes me feel not quite so alone when I know you have been through the same sort of thing. Especially since you are in AA as well. The thing I can't understand is that I have definitely accepted I am an alcoholic and one day at a time I can't drink but relationships are different it would be awful to think I could never have a relationship again and I don't think I could do that in all honesty. I will be on this site now for a long time I hope as I am so so glad that I am not alone and not bad just sick. I have looked after my girls today been running back and fore as one of them is really not well and that has kept me busy. The feelings of loss hit me in waves as I find it so hard to accept I will never see him again and that his life was so wasted by his addiction he had so much to give and so much much more living to do. I think I must have been chosen to survive for whatever reason, as I don't think I would have left him I tried but couldn't and it would just have taken me down with him. Keep speaking to me please
Claire x
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Post by judy on Feb 13, 2009 17:14:41 GMT -8
Claire - Being a love addict does not mean that you will never be in a relationship again. It means that if you practice the principals of LAA, as you do the principals of AA, then the relationships that you have now, and will have in the future will be much more HEALTHY. Because YOU will be much more HEALTHY.
In any case, don't worry about romantic relationships right now. Keep the focus on your own recovery and the well being of your children. Keep it that simple.
I promise you that with time you will feel better. You will grow stronger. You will gain strength of character. But you have to give it time.
Every 12 step program I am familiar with talks about how we addicts were always looking for something outside ourselves to make us feel OK. Now is your time to start looking INSIDE for all the hidden qualities waiting to be uncovered that are going to make you feel just terrific.
Hang in there.
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Post by roz2008 on Feb 13, 2009 22:03:36 GMT -8
Judy,
Love what you said. And it's true, I am becoming more healthy. Thank you.
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Post by claire3264 on Feb 14, 2009 7:31:07 GMT -8
Hi I have to hang in there but it is very difficult when you feel so bad about yourself that there seems no way back from all this. Last night I took some of my daughters cough medicine to help me sleep, I know I should not do this as it goes against my AA programme and my sponsor will be so angry with me. I also lost the plot with my daughter and shouted at her and forced her to get her teeth cleaned. I feel so bad about that. In fact I just feel so bad about everything that I can't picture a life ahead for me!
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Post by tcooley on Feb 20, 2009 12:39:52 GMT -8
How are you doing Claire
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Post by claire3264 on Feb 23, 2009 15:14:56 GMT -8
Hi TCooley
Thank you for asking. I am doing a bit better today, I have to say a lot of it is down to this website and the understanding and relating I get from it. I had a good weekend with my girls and made good meals and loved them, broke through a barrier my eldest had with regard to the onset of "puberty" which was really good.
No news of the funeral as yet but will deal with that when it comes, am still not back at work but am using this time to work on myself and am going to start Step One tomorrow.
I went to my AA meeting tonight and my sponsor was there, I should say my ex sponsor because I met her the other night and decided that we had gone beyond sponsorship and she is one of my closest friends so it felt right to end it, not sure if I did right or not. I will now have to find another sponsor.
However, my ex sponsor I feel sits in judgement with regard to me and her share was directed to me about not working the programme etc etc. Also, my other friend (we are known as the 3 amigos) in AA gave me such a talking to the day after my boyfriend died that I can't look at her let alone speak to her. This is making my relationship with ex sponsor difficult and she is losing sleep over it.
From the fuzz in my head I can only think that I am going to try and get a therapist, read the books on this site, keep posting and believing in myself and starting on the steps, not in that order and try very hard not to heed what others think or believe about me.
Claire x
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lulu
Full Member
Posts: 105
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Post by lulu on Feb 23, 2009 19:02:50 GMT -8
I don't know how to start this but Claire don't be concerned about what other people are saying or thinking about you. Your hurting and in grief from losing someone you love - that in itself is very difficult emotionally to deal with and you need to not worry yourself about what others are thinking.
I understand the shame and blame we put on ourselves for allowing the behavior we allow but I feel the more aware we become we will get better. It isn't going to help you right now to beat yourself up other this. You loved and cared for someone and now their gone processing those feelings is an enormous task.
It hurts and you need to feel your feelings so you can move forward. Your girls love you and need you and they aren't judging you - surround yourself with people who will console you at this time not beat you up - we are all here to help whenever you need to vent or rant and rave........We understand.
Sending you a (((hug))) Hang in there you will be ok. Just take one emotion at a time one minute at a time.
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Post by claire3264 on Feb 24, 2009 14:14:01 GMT -8
Hi Lulu
Thanks so much for your kindness. You are right I am grieving and still waiting for the funeral which is getting me down. I am going on for my girls because right now I feel very alone, my friends are taking a step back and it hurts very much but I can understand why as they are in AA recovery. I have tried to make a go of Step One today which is good and I feel positive about that.
It does not take away the loneliness and the feeling that I am on my own and this is my greatest fear whether in relationships with friends or boyfriends etc.
Claire
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Post by LovingGracefully on Feb 24, 2009 17:53:45 GMT -8
Claire,
Perhaps this is the single fear you MUST face and it was handed to you right now. It's time to conquer this feeling.
Being alone is scary. It's what drives people to attach to others even if it is in an unhealthy way.
This does not feel like a gift right now, Claire, but it is. It will be. Sooner or later you will realize it too.
Out of the darkness always comes light. There are lessons here to learn so you won't have to have them repeated over and over again in your life. Learn them now. It's your time.
Keep posting, Claire. Know you are among friends now. We will never get exhausted or pull away but will always help point you in a healthy direction. We are helping you help yourself now.
LovingGracefully
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Post by claire3264 on Mar 1, 2009 9:11:15 GMT -8
Hi LovingGracefuly
You seem to know exactly what I am feeling. It is so true that the loneliness is one of my greatest fears and yes I see why it was handed to me right now.
No, it does not feel like a gift right now, it feels very painful but yes in time I can understand that it might well be a gift. God I so want to learn these lessons it's too painful any other way. It is so good to know I have friends here. I had a good weekend with my girls they are just away home. I went past the funeral parlour to say goodbye to Steve but missed the closing time. It was disappointing as I had psyched myself up for it but I will go tomorrow. For some really strange reason it felt like I would be united with him again, although his coffin is closed I just felt I would be close and able to tell him how I feel.
Sorry this sounds so morbid but it has to come out. I am signed off work another week and I don't think my boss is too pleased with me but I will face them all tomorrow when I hand in my sick line, this site has given me the courage to do these things.
THank you
Claire
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Post by LovingGracefully on Mar 1, 2009 9:42:54 GMT -8
Oh Claire,
This is so tough. I'm so sorry you have to go through this ending with Steve. This isn't the end for you, but it's the beginning of you. You will start to grow from here if you allow it.
Tomorrow when you go to the palor...try and get some private, uninterrupted time with him. Just cry and tell him everything you want to say. Maybe that will help.
When my father died I wish I had done that...but, I was too ashamed to ask for what I wanted for some reason. Plus, he was cremated which I didn't like for some reason.
Either way, Claire, he can hear you loud and clear whether you decide to do talk to him there in the parlor or in your room. Tell him all you want to say and all you're feeling. Try not to ask "why" questions because I've learned that "why's" never get answered.
Clean your side of the street and get it all out. You're going to do fine but right now you're in pain. Trust us that your life will begin to shine when you begin the work...when you're ready. Just get through this and get some inspiration to do the work on yourself.
We're here, Claire. Keep posting.
LovingGracefully
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Post by claire3264 on Mar 1, 2009 14:33:33 GMT -8
HI LovingGracefully
I don't like cremation I know it seems sily but it seems so final as if there is nowhere to go to remember, the body is no longer there. However, his spirit will be if I know him and I will try not to ask why because really it isn't my business it was his choice.
I have started the steps on here and am going to start step 1 question 3 tomorrow. I went to my AA meeting tonight and shared honestly how I was feeling and that felt good. A hard day ahead tomorrow but I have to replace the fear with faith.
Will let you know how it all goes.
Claire
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Post by judy on Mar 1, 2009 14:43:20 GMT -8
Just to let you know I am thinking of you claire. My last poa was diagnosed with cancer last summer and spent 3 months out or work getting radiation, etc. I was devastated when I heard. Recently he became quite ill again, and ended up in the hospital for a week. I wondered if I would ever see him again. It was very painful. Very scairy for some reason. All I could do was pray. Pray for my own dignity and recovery and pray for his good health.
He's back at work now, and I've said a prayer of thanks.
I am only writing this to let you know that I can imagine how you are feeling. I love what lovinggracefully suggested about just talking to S. in your mind (and heart). I hope you get some quiet time to do that.
Hang in there. Stay with your self. We are rooting for you.
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Post by LovingGracefully on Mar 1, 2009 20:41:15 GMT -8
Claire,
I can feel you getting stronger! Can you feel it too? I see it in the language you use and the tone of your posts. It's happening...let it happen. You are going to get through this and mourn. You will then get motivated to begin healing yourself for your life.
It's going to keep getting better as you become free.
LovingGracefully
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