moxie
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Posts: 8
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Post by moxie on Mar 8, 2009 18:05:08 GMT -8
I really am, believe it or not, trying my absolute hardest to GET OVER HIM ALREADY, but I really can't. I thought that I may have been making some progress...a little, at least. He said something horribly insensitive about a subject that I feel very strongly on, and I felt the emotion ANGER at him...I never have before. It was a start, and I wanted to come here and post, invigorated by this new occurrence...
Then, an hour ago, my friend called me. She has been seeing my poa off and on for about six months, but it didn't bother me at all. I have always felt sure that someday, whether I'm nineteen or ninety, I WILL undoubtedly win him over. Anyways, my friend told me that she had just spoke to him, and she had told him some funny story about a sleepover at my house. He immediately asked why she's friends with me, describing me as 'psychotic', 'a freak', 'insane', 'stalker-ish-ly obsessed with' him, and I 'must be permanently high'. Confused, she asked why, and he dished some sketchy details about my stalking episode last year. My friend laughed, because she, like everyone else, believes me to be the most sane, stable, sophisticated, smart, and on-top-of-it-all ambitious, cheerful girl with zero problems whatsoever.Turns out, hes told a few mutual friends, and they've laughed about me. I never knew.
I just called him to ask why in the world he would tell people, and he obviously wasn't taking me seriously, snickering and acting like he didn't know what I was talking about. Finally he got irritated and just asked, "Why is it such a big deal?" and hung up on me.
So now, even I am starting to lose hope...he still hates me, a year later. But I love him, and I think that I probably always will. I can't marry anyone else. He's my world. No matter how much he makes fun of me, turns my friends against me, looks back on his life in fifty years and remembers me as the crazy girl that stalked him when he was eighteen, I will never stop loving him.
So now I'm considering suicide, not in a life-is-too-hard-and-I'm-depressed-and-impulsive way. I've thought logically, weighed the options. A) Spend the rest of my life single and wasting every moment Googling him or B) Not spend the rest of my life at all.
Option B) is sounding better and better every time I think about the names he calls me and the way he ignores me at parties and humiliates me in public and the way that him doing all of these things makes me do nothing but love him more.
Any opinions?
The fact that I'm posting here at all signifies that I have some organic will to live, but who knows?
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Post by Susan Peabody on Mar 8, 2009 19:52:09 GMT -8
People often ask me when does love become addiction. There are several lines that you might cross. Certainly when the "symptoms" appear as outlined in my book. Mainly, when you think that your POA is the only one for you this is addiction. Sane people know that you can love more than one person in a life time. I hope you are able to move on. Take your mind to the right place and your emotions will follow.
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lulu
Full Member
Posts: 105
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Post by lulu on Mar 8, 2009 20:20:26 GMT -8
Losing someone you love is painful. It's a hard journey to get to the other side and see the light at the end of the tunnel.
You will fall in love again you must believe this.
I married my high school sweetheart when I was 18. He divorced me in my 40's after 28 years. I never thought I would fall in love again.
I had my entire way of living yanked out from under me.....
I won't go into detail but I had to move out of my home, move away leaving friends and his family as both my parents had passed away - one of them just six months prior to his wanting a divorce.
I hurt and I cried. I even begged to come home - it didn't happen. I didn't think I would ever get over losing him but I did. I still care about my ex but I have no desire to be with him. It took me a few years and alot of tears but I made it out of despair.
Sweetie you have your whole life ahead of you. I did fall in love with someone else and this is why I am here. I fell in love with a man that wouldn't commit to me. I was pretty much kept secret for the entire relationship. It is very hard to let them go but we will recover. As my POA said to me a couple of times - NO MAN IS WORTH TAKING YOU LIFE.
It hurts, it's painful, and it's an emotional roller coaster ride. Sometimes we stop and slip but we will and can get past all the terrible feelings of our loss.
You are in my prayers and take care of YOU
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Post by LovingGracefully on Mar 8, 2009 21:09:16 GMT -8
Moxie,
It feels like love but it is NOT LOVE you're feeling. I know it feels like it. This is abuse that you're internalizing and categorizing as love because the pull is so strong...so powerful. I mean, what else could it be? It's all you think about so it must be the most precious thing on earth, right? NOPE.
He brings you pain. Your brain is categorizing it for you as love. He belittles you. He doesn't forgive you. He mocks you. He talks trash about you behind your back. What part of what you wrote sounds like love? Go to the card aisle in the drug store and read the love cards...show me where they talk about things like you've written to describe love? You won't find a one!
You said you're using your logical mind...you are using your emotional mind. Your logical mind would tell you that you are not any of those terrible things...you are more
Regardless of what he feels for you, Moxie, or not is NOT YOUR SPECIFIC PROBLEM!!!! I'm telling you this from my own personal, painful experience and out of love.
I wanted to die because the pain wasn't going away. I thought my logical mind was telling me that I would ALWAYS feel this way for the rest of my life. It wasn't getting better no matter how many people said, "You'll feel better tomorrow". I didn't. I thought this feeling was a life sentence.
Perhaps, Moxie, it might have been had I not began to become active in searching for answers. I searched and asked and prayed and read. I found this site, got into therapy and started asking others here who knew what was going on for help.
You must listen now and trust that we have no ulterior motive other than to help you get out of this pain AND find ways to prevent it from happening again. It's just that simple. It's not fast but it WILL happen.
This is YOUR life, Moxie. Not his, not your friends, not mine...it's YOUR life. You are responsible now for getting these answers you need. You must make this the most important thing in your life right now.
Keep posting and tell us what you're going to begin doing right away, okay? What are some things that you believe can help you? What do you need from us? We're always here to help.
Please read all the other posts here...this is not something you're alone with. We ALL KNOW this pain. ALL OF US. We have lived through it and have grown from it. It will happen.
LovingGracefully
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Post by Victorious on Mar 10, 2009 14:53:09 GMT -8
Yes Moxie, LG is right. We here have all felt the same way. Like you, I thought I would never be able to get over my POA. It was very hard to move on especially since he was not rejecting me. He was also the nicest, richest, and smartest man I had ever dated. Not to mention an outstanding lover too.
He just wouldn't make a commitment or even call what we had a relationship. For 18 months I accepted his conditions because I knew, from the core of my being, that we were meant for each other and I had never been so happy with anyone. I believed I only needed to be patient while he worked through his fears.
It was torture worrying that I might one day find another woman's earrings on his nightstand. Once I woke up crying next to him in the middle of the night because I couldn't keep suppresing how terribly painful it was to accept that he didn't love me back the way I loved him.
He didn't like seeing me unhappy so he encouraged me to start dating again.I would cry after every date because I was sure there could never be another man on earth that would ever be as wonderful as my POA.
Move ahead 4 years to today. I am married to an amazing man that loves me back the way I love him. Just what I always dreamt of having. I thought if I had that I would eventually be able forget my POA.
It didn't work. I thought I had really messed up. Now I was stuck thinking like you, I was doomed to cry the rest of my life because I could never be with my POA again and terrified that my DH would find out the way I felt and break the heart of the only man who ever truly loved me.
Drama, drama, drama! Yuck! We LA's love it though. That's one of the reasons we may continue to pine over unrequited love. I just found that I need to focus on giving my inner child what my parents didn't give her. Then I won't need to keep seeking it from someone else who will keep wounding me in the same way they did.
Make you your new obsession. Have NC with your POA. Tell your friend not to talk about him. It will only keep you stuck. Fall in love with yourself Moxie. Read all you can about LA and work the 12 steps. You will want to resist doing these things at first. Do them anyway. Fake it till you make it. I promise you that if you do these things life will be better than you ever imagined it could be.
My life is getting better every day that I stick to my committment not to think about or contact my POA. The program works IF you work it.
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moxie
New Member
Posts: 8
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Post by moxie on Mar 10, 2009 15:05:34 GMT -8
Thank you all so much.
My feelings keep jumping around. For a couple of hours I will be empowered with hope with the future , plotting a foolproof (though long-term) plan to win him back, then I'll be convinced that there is no hope and I feel not heartbreak, but like there is a big hole in my heart, then I'll have my 'normal' moments, when I have a desire to clean the house or work out or go out with friends, and those are my favorite. Like he's still always in the back of my head (I 'm working out to look hot for him, cleaning for if by some freak occurrence he should come over) but I'm still happy.
I'm trying to get out of this rut, and while I'm having me high highs and low lows, you guys are helping me. Thanks!
It's just sort of like that Fleetwood Mac song...
"I've been afraid of changing cause I've built my life around you."
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Post by Victorious on Mar 10, 2009 16:56:49 GMT -8
Do you really want to break free of the prison you have built for yourself? So far you sound like you don't really want stop your addiction, you are trying to figure out how to control it so it won't make your life unmanageable.
Sorry to tell you this but it doesn't work that way Moxie. You are just prolonging your sufferring.
Try to get yourself a good therapist. You need more support than just this chat group but keep coming back.
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Post by LovingGracefully on Mar 10, 2009 21:11:36 GMT -8
Moxie,
In your last post I found you to at least have spots of hope left. These moments that you can see clearly you need to remember that regardless of what you feel right now that tomorrow will ALWAYS hold something new.
Don't be hasty with suicidal thoughts. That's seems to be the only answer for people who think they don't have any options. You have tons of options. You have tons of support. You have things to look forward to. You will gain the knowledge you need for the rest of your life. If you begin to feel the suicidal thoughts again remember this time...remember that if you stick it out the feelings will pass and transition.
I was all over the board too at one point...wishful thinking, ambivalence, plotting, vengeance, peace, stoicness...I just circled around and around. It was pretty awful. I think it must be a part of figuring out what works and what doesn't. What brings pain and what brings peace. Self discovery. As long as you stay active in finding your truths you will continue to evolve. It's not something that happens quickly but it does happen.
Keep posting and let us know how you are.
LovingGracefully
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Post by lovely1 on Mar 11, 2009 19:19:57 GMT -8
Moxie,
I know that it seems like you'll have nothing left if you give your POA up completely--even thoughts of him. I just recently went no contact with my latest POA and not emailing him was relatively easy after about 3 days. What was hard was giving up the fantasies. One thing I'm doing is staying away from triggers that cause me to have these fantasies. Love songs are a big trigger so I cut back on them dramatically.
For you it sounds like your friends are triggers, as someone mentioned, ask them not to talk about him to you. I did that once to a friend of mine years ago, I asked her not to bring up a particular topic, I told her it was too painful for me to hear her talk about it and she stopped and has never talked about that topic again.
With some work you will be able to let go of him and you'll be so amazed at the new thoughts and passions you'll have. Thoughts that you don't have room for now because you're preoccupied with your POA. Today I found myself completely absorbed in a work project when a month ago I would have been absorbed in thoughts of my POA why did he do this or that and the other, why did he hurt me when we were supposed to be freinds, writing emails to him that took an hour to compose etc. And I would send a few of those a day along with a bunch of shorter ones. I could have written a book with all of that time and energy.
Take care. I'll keep you in my prayers.
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2muchpain
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Post by 2muchpain on Mar 11, 2009 19:53:41 GMT -8
Hi Moxie,
I have been exactley where you are and I wan to tell you this: You WILL fall in love again, I can almost guarantee it. However, the thing that stinks is that it will happen in God's time and NOT yours. This you have no control over. Unfortunately, you can't go around the pain of loss, you have to go through it. BUT, you have to stick around long enough to get through it. Spend your time loving yourself in all the ways you wished he would. It takes LOTS of time and practice but you can do it. I can absolutely guarantee you that he is NOT worth checking out for. I promise. Hang in here with us. It DOES get better. 2muchpain
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moxie
New Member
Posts: 8
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Post by moxie on Mar 14, 2009 13:03:04 GMT -8
Thanks so much.
I've always had weird dreams, urges, fears, lost memories, etc., and chalked it all up to just being an alarmingly perverted person, as young as six or seven. (I don't think that's possible....) It's also always bothered me that I have turned out so horribly messed up when the most traumatic episode of my childhood was my dad disappearing at six and reappearing at twelve. Most kids can overcome this.
I have three states of mind...Times when I miss Nick, cry, and at the worst attempt suicide. Times when I KNOW that we'll get married and I'm feeling pretty OK. And Times when I feel like I might ALMOST be able to live without him.
This morning I was alternating between #2 and #3, which I guess is good. I'm currently reading some suspenseful murder mystery novel, and there was an unexpected twist that I came across this morning; the main character was molested many times by her father.
All of a sudden, I remembered. My grandpa, when I was about six, several times a week, the year I can't remember.
This information has been too much, and I've never needed Nick so bad in my life. God, whatever progress I was making...I need him to be right here, with me, right now, I need him so bad I'm shaking, I can hardly breathe. Too much. I've read your messages a million times, but I dont think I can live here anymore. I saw him last night. He joked with me, wasn't mean to me, even complimented me on my shirt. I keep fantasizing I'm telling him everything, pouring my heart out on top of him, and he's listening and loving me and promising to make it better...Right now my options are talk to him or never talk again.........
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Post by Victorious on Mar 16, 2009 2:41:51 GMT -8
I'm so sorry that you were hurt like that Moxie. No one should ever be used like that, least of all a child. In my heart I am sending you a big hug.
I understand your desperation for Nick. LA does make the pain go away but it's only a temporary fix that eventually leads us into more pain and suffering.
The only way to truly find the happiness you're looking for is to give yourself what you want from him. He doesn't have what you're looking for anyway. He can only disappoint and hurt you.
Do you have a therapist or support group? I can't stress that you find one more. It helps to write but having a person in the flesh to support you as you attempt to face the hardest challenges of your life is absolutely necessary.
There are sexual assault cousellors you can see. You know Nick can't fix what ails you. However, there are people who can help you do it. Choose to step out of your prison of lonliness and find help from someone who will actually be able to help you. Writing to us is a great step in right direction. Now take another step forward. You can do it Moxie. Step by step you will find your way.
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