Letting Go & Grasping for Imaginary Straws

Presence, I'm so sorry you are hurting. I'm going thru withdrawls now and I too feel lonely like I fit in nowhere. I will pray for you. Hang in there.....we're all in this together!!

hi presence. I am experiencing exactly what you describe - in all areas.

I'm in the midst of another situation with xpoa - a recurrence of his sickness - and it is so painful.
And because of that pain, I too feel narcissistic. I can't deal with anyone elses troubles because Im consumed with taking care of myself and not acting out.

At least we are aware. I continue to pray, let go, take it back, pray again, post.

This is life. Sometimes there are no easy answers. Powerlessness in the face of intense feelings is so overwhelming, isn't it?

Let's just hang in there.

Thank you so much for responding.

I'm so sorry some of you are suffering through this--AGAIN-as well. At the same time, it makes me feel like less of a failure. Thank you for being honest. It means so much to me. Most of my friends can't or won't.

I am better today for whatever reason. I'm still angry with God. Apologizing but still mad. I know He can handle my anger. I know trying to hide it from Him and myself is part of what has made it grow so large in me. I'm tired.

I'm praying too but it's with a resentful attitude. It's almost like I want to disbelieve in God so I can be....what?....free? I don't know. I know that being an honest agnostic/athesist is better than being a resentful/hate-filled Christian but I know He's there. I just can't NOT believe. The world doesn't make sense if there's no God. It just wouldn't be here. I JUST DON'T believe in the God's timing thing....I think I had that part of the relationship figured out when I was about 11 or 12: My idea of a good life and God's are two different things.

Still, I've been thinking the last few days that it could very well be that the reason I DO NOT envy most people I meet who are married...but do envy the life I can imagine in my head...is due to the fact that I really DO NOT fit well with most men in the 20th/21st century. They're fine, even easier to deal with as co-workers and friends (in college anyway) But the only ones that see me as female? They see me as something to use temporarily---and that's when I'm oozing desperation. Other than that they don't see me at all.

Or, maybe I don't see them. Not in a realistic way. Maybe I don't like them. Maybe I truly don't like 20th century men as romantic partners. Maybe their way of being in the world is too foreign to me.

I realized a while ago that the thing that women were calling "male ego" a few decades back is nothing more than varying shades of male fear. They're afraid too much emotion. They are afraid to fail in a way women just aren't. . They're afraid to say they're afraid. They're afraid they won't be seen as men---and almost anything can make them afraid of that. And the biggest threat they can receive is being called female (sissy, acting-like-a girl, etc) What an insult that is! Truly. (Not that women WANT to be seen as masculine but there aren't 100 different slang terms for insulting a woman by calling her masculine because it's just NOT THAT BIG a deal as slams go)

What if I would have made most any man miserable? What if he had made me want to kill him---only after I'd hidden who I truly was for months or years. My mother doesn't even have a real self anymore. If she was there--she's gone now--and she's still married to a nightmare she no longer even sees a nightmare anymore.

What if the thing I always wanted most is the thing that-- as I am now,as I've always been-- can't have without it destroying me? What if I was never strong enough to survive a bad marriage?

And what if life really isn't worth much without someone to give you emotional support during the lows and cheer you on during the highs? What if my relative calm (on the outside) is a reflection of the deadness and apathy I'll always feel inside--if I'm not raging with pain. What if I don't feel anymore extreme highs and lows after a while and call it maturity?

I haven't been writing--not fiction, not non-fiction. That's the only time life feels stable. Maybe that's what's missing lately. Maybe writing is what I'm supposed to do.

And I'm getting used to working eight hours again. It's so funny. I'm working and very tired after work but not because I'm actually working harder. I'm doing less than I was when I was in school but trying to appear busy, trying to appear as though more than 40% of my brain is engaged in all the training material that I'm reading.

It's so tiring to do something that doesn't engage you eight hours straight a day; I'd forgotten.

I'm trying to be more social though. I'm making different choices than I would have in the past. I went out to lunch with people rather than stay in my cubicle and study as long as possible--so I could be a good girl and impress management(Mommy or Daddy) with all my effort. Monday, last week, I chose the cubicle on the end--it seemed a quiet place to study. Today, I changed cubicles. I moved to a place that was more centrally located--noisier, more people. I can tune almost anything out anyway, but I'm going to have to get better about ending conversations--- a social skill I should have learned two decades ago.

I was going to renew a subscription to see virtual plays in the area....student discount made it cheap...It was far away. And everyone was upward of 70. I never had the slightest chance of meeting anyone. I went and came back by myself. So.... if I spend any money at all on entertainment, I think I'll spend it on salsa lessons---instead of dancing to various teaching DVDs in the house by myself. (This is something that also helped me lose weight--started exercising in the house--all I had to do was take off my shoes, graduated to going to the gym later)

And I want to give/sell some of the million books I have away. I'm so attached to some of them though even though I know I'll probably never read them again. A full set of Sue Grafton novels, full set of Walter Mosley's---my mysteries. Then there are the non-fiction books...only some of which I tend to re-read. Having such a library in my own place came in handy during school....but its time for me to stop preparing for life and live some I guess. It is more than half over after all.

I don't know how to be different. But I want to be. I'm tired of this me. I'm tired of longing. I'm tired of being in-the-valley of my life ALL the time. I can't think of a time when I was content in my daily life--unless I was on vacation. Short spans of time. I seem to do that kind of alone just fine. I learned to so very long ago. I never fit in at school. I was a nerd. Smart. Abnormal. All I wanted was to fit in. I never did. It's amazing how little that's changed. I've wondered if that's why I slept with my married POA...to prove I was worth something to the IN-CROWD. I don't think about that too much---it's too pathetic. I don't want that to be part of the reason. Anyway...the only time I'm happy is traveling, being away from my daily life or tuning out of it at movies, in my writing, and music too.

I guess I'm lucky I've had the ability/money to do that for most of my life-somehow. And nature is all around me--the ocean nearby on three sides, and i have a soul that appreciates that. I'm so broke, but I am in a place where I can do so much for so little.

I'm just not.

I have so little energy. I'll try to do a little at a time. I've started already. I'll try and fill up another box with paper or books and get it out of here this weekend. I'll try to keep up the basic cleaning. Sink is always full somehow though.

Thanks for listening.

Presence

Hi Presence,

What do you need to change? And what will you do first?