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Post by presence on Jun 18, 2009 17:25:43 GMT -8
I'm having to truly try and let go of what I thought I wanted in my life. It is so unbearably painful to realize that so many doors are definitely closed to me (being young and in love) and others are very likely closed to me. I don't like most men. And most of them don't get me either.
I've been thinking of my POA again. And I've realized why. As poorly as he treated me/ended things he's probably the kindest man I've been with. I'm so ashamed to say this but, here's the truth: He was the only one who has ever held me when I was crying. He's the only one who's said he was sorry-- and didn't sound like he wasn't just trying to get me to shut up already. He's the only one that held me while I slept. He made me feel understood because he was going through something too...
... and it only lasted a week
...and he WAS part of the purest part of my childhood memories
....but he's not how because he was married when we were together.
It's hard to believe he's on my mind again at all, but as a torchbearer I've been substituting another fantasy lover. That works best. In fact, it gets rid of thoughts of my POA pretty immediately....but its very temporary as far as making me feel like I want to keep waking up every morning, endlessly.
I just feel like I'm collapsing in on myself. Other times I feel like I'm moving into reality...grieving like I should I suppose. But I've been grieving my whole life. I don't fit in anywhere. I never really have. It feels like nothing really changes. No matter what I do, I come back to the same feeling-place...walled-off
Having been in recovery for so long, I know more than I did before. I'm more aware of the whys of my behavior, they whys of my infrequent acting out...but I don't know one thing more about why my life is so barren. I don't know that I know myself, but I'm less willing to just go along to get along....with anyone. My codependent self says that's not a good thing. I don't know.
I do know I'm tired of thinking. I'm no longer trying to figure out what to change about myself. I'm just hoping I can read something that will let me be okay with going to work in a relatively peaceful environment, eating healthy, exercising, having acquaintances but not friends, pushing friends away that don't/can't talk honestly about being lonely or being hurt for any more than 3 or 4 sentences in a row. (I wish I was exaggerating)
Two friends of mine at church this Sunday told me I looked the most beautiful, relaxed and happy than I have in a long time---and the entire time I was on my way to church I was thinking---geez I hope I die soon. If I felt alone before church, I sure as HELL did after that.
I think I almost laughed.
This pain makes me so narcissistic too. One drama-queen friend who told me she hasn't been feeling well for the past week--I don't care. She completely abandoned me when I needed her and I don't care. I feel so toxic for feeling this way but I don't care. Currently, I'm trying to make myself leave a kind message at a phone number she's not sitting at. I don't care about anything else except ending my own pain--And to that end, thoughts of feeling wanted by someone again--even by my POA again....seems like a good idea--right up until I think of the withdrawal.
I'll only call him if I've decided to die I think. So far so good, I guess. I haven't.
I think I may start keeping a journal again. Writing to God. Tell him how much I hate Him sometimes. I need to know how often this is happening in my head--Fleeting thoughts of death rather this endless loneliness is one thing--Having these thoughts more and more often are another I guess.
Presence
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jbaysmom
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Post by jbaysmom on Jun 18, 2009 19:35:52 GMT -8
Presence, I'm so sorry you are hurting. I'm going thru withdrawls now and I too feel lonely like I fit in nowhere. I will pray for you. Hang in there.....we're all in this together!!
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Post by sillyme on Jun 18, 2009 19:51:39 GMT -8
Presence, I'm also sooooooo sorry you're hurting. I feel ya. I wish I could find the words to let you know that someone gets it. You have been so kind and helpful in your involvement on this board. I appreciate all your input. You deserve to feel good. I've been struggling with similar thought and feelings for about one week now. I read the post on PTSD and the web article that manonthemend recommended and it made complete sense to me what triggered my downfall this week. Anyway... I don't know what triggered you, but it's o.k. . You are human! Big Hug! It's going to be o.k.
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Post by judy on Jun 19, 2009 4:54:43 GMT -8
hi presence. I am experiencing exactly what you describe - in all areas.
I'm in the midst of another situation with xpoa - a recurrence of his sickness - and it is so painful. And because of that pain, I too feel narcissistic. I can't deal with anyone elses troubles because Im consumed with taking care of myself and not acting out.
At least we are aware. I continue to pray, let go, take it back, pray again, post.
This is life. Sometimes there are no easy answers. Powerlessness in the face of intense feelings is so overwhelming, isn't it?
Let's just hang in there.
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Post by nickie on Jun 19, 2009 22:06:58 GMT -8
oh how i identify too presence. it's always darkest before the dawn and for torchbearers it seems like it's dark a mighty long time no matter how spurting up with bursts of gasoline the torch might fleetingly get.
i wish i had an answer but i only understand how hard it is and how tiring the confusion.
the way i self-comfort (rather then choose to self-judge) is by appreciating that if this is how i experience 'feeling,' small wonder my emotional body is soo underdeveloped. i mean no wonder i never coped with life "feeling" and shut down my emotional body in favor or preoccupying myself overachieving.
through the steps i have cultivated a personal relationship with my higher power. a very slow and hard won process. i'm always tinkering with my relationship to hp to keep it fresh. i want to stay willing to have faith that i live in a compassionate universe providing me exactly the custom fit "what-i-need" to move forward toward expressing more god qualities with life.
right now i'm doing another 4th step and god is on my resentment list. this is aok and more temporary since i'm applying the 4th step with it. we'll see.
i also had a childhood figure as a torch that reentered my life very late for a brief moment and exploded it. it can still be a bit sore, but it is down to a match stick worth of torch. the experience revolutionized my life replete with the level of pain you describe in your message. it IS a mystery the level of pain required for me to find the where with all to advance emotionally away from torchbearing and codependent addiction to an imago, an ideal, a figment of my own tormented wiring... this teensey tiny pin hole through which i am vulnerable enough emotionally to let god in.
but it is working for me presence. i'm not getting what i want and i have no answers but i am a changed woman who truely believes in the tremendous progress i've made which i am only aware of when i try to help someone else... like you, right here right now.
hang in. this too shall pass.
here is a link that describes feeling protected by god which helped me very much this morning when i awoke disturbed in the midst of all manner of nightmares, yet again:
Daily Word — Saturday, June 20, 2009 Protected God is my peace, my shield, my protector. If ever I feel apprehensive or unsure about anything, my first response will be to pray, placing myself and all that concerns me in God's care and guidance. In prayer, I rest in the comforting presence of God. With God as my ever-present guide, I do not fear anything or anyone. I am serene and confident because God is with me. I am never alone. This God-awareness brings me true peace and comfort. God is all-power. In the quiet of prayer, I am enfolded in the peace that this understanding gives me. I have the strength and clarity of thought that I need to recognize and accept what is peaceful, right, and good. I am protected and blessed in all I do and with all I meet in life. God is my peace, my shield, and my protector.
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Post by presence on Jun 19, 2009 22:20:14 GMT -8
Thank you so much for responding.
I'm so sorry some of you are suffering through this--AGAIN-as well. At the same time, it makes me feel like less of a failure. Thank you for being honest. It means so much to me. Most of my friends can't or won't.
I am better today for whatever reason. I'm still angry with God. Apologizing but still mad. I know He can handle my anger. I know trying to hide it from Him and myself is part of what has made it grow so large in me. I'm tired.
I'm praying too but it's with a resentful attitude. It's almost like I want to disbelieve in God so I can be....what?....free? I don't know. I know that being an honest agnostic/athesist is better than being a resentful/hate-filled Christian but I know He's there. I just can't NOT believe. The world doesn't make sense if there's no God. It just wouldn't be here. I JUST DON'T believe in the God's timing thing....I think I had that part of the relationship figured out when I was about 11 or 12: My idea of a good life and God's are two different things.
Still, I've been thinking the last few days that it could very well be that the reason I DO NOT envy most people I meet who are married...but do envy the life I can imagine in my head...is due to the fact that I really DO NOT fit well with most men in the 20th/21st century. They're fine, even easier to deal with as co-workers and friends (in college anyway) But the only ones that see me as female? They see me as something to use temporarily---and that's when I'm oozing desperation. Other than that they don't see me at all.
Or, maybe I don't see them. Not in a realistic way. Maybe I don't like them. Maybe I truly don't like 20th century men as romantic partners. Maybe their way of being in the world is too foreign to me.
I realized a while ago that the thing that women were calling "male ego" a few decades back is nothing more than varying shades of male fear. They're afraid too much emotion. They are afraid to fail in a way women just aren't. . They're afraid to say they're afraid. They're afraid they won't be seen as men---and almost anything can make them afraid of that. And the biggest threat they can receive is being called female (sissy, acting-like-a girl, etc) What an insult that is! Truly. (Not that women WANT to be seen as masculine but there aren't 100 different slang terms for insulting a woman by calling her masculine because it's just NOT THAT BIG a deal as slams go)
What if I would have made most any man miserable? What if he had made me want to kill him---only after I'd hidden who I truly was for months or years. My mother doesn't even have a real self anymore. If she was there--she's gone now--and she's still married to a nightmare she no longer even sees a nightmare anymore.
What if the thing I always wanted most is the thing that-- as I am now,as I've always been-- can't have without it destroying me? What if I was never strong enough to survive a bad marriage?
And what if life really isn't worth much without someone to give you emotional support during the lows and cheer you on during the highs? What if my relative calm (on the outside) is a reflection of the deadness and apathy I'll always feel inside--if I'm not raging with pain. What if I don't feel anymore extreme highs and lows after a while and call it maturity?
I haven't been writing--not fiction, not non-fiction. That's the only time life feels stable. Maybe that's what's missing lately. Maybe writing is what I'm supposed to do.
And I'm getting used to working eight hours again. It's so funny. I'm working and very tired after work but not because I'm actually working harder. I'm doing less than I was when I was in school but trying to appear busy, trying to appear as though more than 40% of my brain is engaged in all the training material that I'm reading.
It's so tiring to do something that doesn't engage you eight hours straight a day; I'd forgotten.
I'm trying to be more social though. I'm making different choices than I would have in the past. I went out to lunch with people rather than stay in my cubicle and study as long as possible--so I could be a good girl and impress management(Mommy or Daddy) with all my effort. Monday, last week, I chose the cubicle on the end--it seemed a quiet place to study. Today, I changed cubicles. I moved to a place that was more centrally located--noisier, more people. I can tune almost anything out anyway, but I'm going to have to get better about ending conversations--- a social skill I should have learned two decades ago.
I was going to renew a subscription to see virtual plays in the area....student discount made it cheap...It was far away. And everyone was upward of 70. I never had the slightest chance of meeting anyone. I went and came back by myself. So.... if I spend any money at all on entertainment, I think I'll spend it on salsa lessons---instead of dancing to various teaching DVDs in the house by myself. (This is something that also helped me lose weight--started exercising in the house--all I had to do was take off my shoes, graduated to going to the gym later)
And I want to give/sell some of the million books I have away. I'm so attached to some of them though even though I know I'll probably never read them again. A full set of Sue Grafton novels, full set of Walter Mosley's---my mysteries. Then there are the non-fiction books...only some of which I tend to re-read. Having such a library in my own place came in handy during school....but its time for me to stop preparing for life and live some I guess. It is more than half over after all.
I don't know how to be different. But I want to be. I'm tired of this me. I'm tired of longing. I'm tired of being in-the-valley of my life ALL the time. I can't think of a time when I was content in my daily life--unless I was on vacation. Short spans of time. I seem to do that kind of alone just fine. I learned to so very long ago. I never fit in at school. I was a nerd. Smart. Abnormal. All I wanted was to fit in. I never did. It's amazing how little that's changed. I've wondered if that's why I slept with my married POA...to prove I was worth something to the IN-CROWD. I don't think about that too much---it's too pathetic. I don't want that to be part of the reason. Anyway...the only time I'm happy is traveling, being away from my daily life or tuning out of it at movies, in my writing, and music too.
I guess I'm lucky I've had the ability/money to do that for most of my life-somehow. And nature is all around me--the ocean nearby on three sides, and i have a soul that appreciates that. I'm so broke, but I am in a place where I can do so much for so little.
I'm just not.
I have so little energy. I'll try to do a little at a time. I've started already. I'll try and fill up another box with paper or books and get it out of here this weekend. I'll try to keep up the basic cleaning. Sink is always full somehow though.
Thanks for listening.
Presence
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Post by nickie on Jun 19, 2009 22:43:42 GMT -8
wonderful to read about your choice for good orderly direction presence.
imo, it takes alot of self esteem to want more from life.
it takes guts. and everyone in LAA has it or we wouldn't be here, we'd be feeding our addictions. not today. today i will not feed my negative story. i will find a way to balance my experiential truth against my faith that:
i have what i need i am forgiving and forgiven i am not tempted i have no wrong thinking.
namaste/nickie
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carrie
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Post by carrie on Jun 20, 2009 20:21:21 GMT -8
Hi Presence,
What do you need to change? And what will you do first?
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Post by presence on Jun 20, 2009 23:06:22 GMT -8
The hiding is one thing I need to change first. The one thing I've gotten out of the book by Marion Woodman, that Nickie recommended, is how an underdeveloped ego is not a good thing...though much of Christianity SEEMS (only seems) to make it look like it is.
To that end, I need to be in relationships---platonic same sex friendships first as a heterosexual-- that I am myself in. I keep way too much to myself. I have people around me that annoy me because they're a bad fit. And we'd both know we're a bad fit if I was more honest. I just don't know how without being rude. I think the problem is what I'm calling "rude" The other (same) problem is that I don't like confrontation.
I've been more willing to have some recently. Not solely because I have the information and awareness to do so--but because I don't have enough energy to carry anybody on my back right now. I'm trying to be more aware of details without calling myself "Petty". For example, I keep track of the time a couple of drama-queen friends take to talk--and how long it takes for them to become upset if I decide I have something to say. This experiment has been pretty revealing..and I feel naive for listening to someone for 45 minutes only to have them become upset when I offer a contrary opinion.
Then again...I trained them to be the way they are with me.
AND I can do things as simple as showing up early instead of EXACTLY on time (so I don't have to make small talk with anyone.)
I got rid of one box worth of books today. I did basic cleaning. I did the wine thing too though. I'm still here.
Presence
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