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Post by udtrob on Jul 13, 2009 17:09:09 GMT -8
Hi, its been a year since the end of my first ever relationship, the end of the closest and strangest bond I've ever had with anybody, the end of being defined by somebody else.
I've mourned the loss of myself, the loss of my innocense, the loss of my previously tough nature, I've mourned the loss of my dignity and self respect, I've mourned becoming an abusive scum bag, a whiny self-centred ass-hole.
I don't even mourn the loss of her, I mourn the loss of who I was before I met her. The darkness hasn't left me it's prevailed constantly, the sadness of her, that last night when I was screaming obsenities, those first few months when i didn't care if i lived or died. i knew at that time though she would get back in touch, i knew at that time, i could repair the broken friendship.
but problem was i didn't pick up the phone and call, i fell into the usual pattern of dependance on texts until i broke and lashed out.
now, 6-8 months later when all was going well, i thought i was over it 20 emails sent by me telling her what i went through in those dark few months when i got here.
did it make me feel better? did it !@#$%? did it release the pain? did it !@#$%
And now i'm back there, back in those dark few months again, back lost, completely alone with self shame at admitting how much i've struggled at lashing out at the one person who saved my life.
I took Avanzza for 3 months and it made things worse, memory loss, shortness of temper, deep deep sleep.
This isn't me, none of it is. none of my friends know anything about any of this. the therapy hasn't worked, its magnified the problem so its all i can think about.
I'm sick, I'm sick of pining over someone who was never real, sick of fantasising over something that never would have worked, sick of playing the victim when i'm a fully grown intelligent man, sick of this life.
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Post by sillyme on Jul 13, 2009 19:25:47 GMT -8
I'm sorry you're in emotional turmoil right now. I understand the depth of that kind of pain. Sorry you're feeling it right now.
Keep writing here. Release it. We're all here together. You are not alone.
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manonthemend
Full Member
"today I choose to love me"
Posts: 165
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Post by manonthemend on Jul 13, 2009 20:05:18 GMT -8
Udtrob; just a qucik note to say have just read your heart-felt pain and am writing some words in response to that; noticed you're on line and as you posted here, maybe stay on line for a bit, will also open a chat in the chatroom see if you want to talk. i can understand hugely where you're at; been ther emyself and had had enough over and over again; abuse, pain, hurting, lashing out..yes mate, I know where you're coming from blessings to you brother, hang in there and will catch you shortly Ps this i the link to the chat room pub18.bravenet.com/chat/show.php/1519701053will keep it open while am writing |
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manonthemend
Full Member
"today I choose to love me"
Posts: 165
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Post by manonthemend on Jul 13, 2009 20:36:47 GMT -8
Brother, that sounds like a whole heap of awful stuff to be carrying around with you that's pulling you down and sucking the life and love and light out of your heart and soul in the process. I did that for years, years I dragged a label of shame and self-despite around with me, flogged myself daily with it and it took so so much self-love and awareness and forgiveness to pull myself out of it but I did, in time I did pull myself free of that which was sucking the joy out of me, and that was me, my head, my thoughts, my addiction, my dis-ease.
know that you are not alone brother; we are all here to support one another and we are hearing you mate, we are hearing you and you have open arms and hearts to hold you through those times too.
udtrob, there were ma ny times over the last few years with my PoA that I seriously thought the only way out was ending me. It felt like she'd come into my life, pulled all my defences and masks off, ripped open my heart wide wide open and then stepped back and said - "there you go I love you, deal with all of that and don't make it about me" - ahhhggh, mate, honestly, suddenly I was naked, exposed and thrashing around and raging and dumping and didn't know what to do with myself; it felt like every day was another round of hell. And there were the times when I dumped all that pain and loneliness and blackness I'd been carrying my whole life on her...just when i was at my most open, vulnerable heart-felt places she would step back again and I would unleash my rage upon her, call her the most hateful names, threaten to leave her, demand all my things back, refuse to leave her yard or her driveway, sobbing, on the ground broken...yes, I felt shame mate, piles of it and it is a very hard place to come to to forgive myself for that. And i do not ask for her forgiveness; I have prayed to her higher power for that; she is not safe for me to go there with any more. I don't trust her any more, she was sick too, and two sick people can't help each other much.
In time I do forgive myself mate; and that is very very healing. I don't carry the shame [well, not too much anyway!] around with me today; though I wont ever forget those dark days and nights when i was abusive, out of control and raging; and I pray I wont ever EVER go there again. I hope if it ever came to that in the future i would walk away, because today i love me too much to allow others to treat me and put me through what she did; what I put myself through.
Udtrob; this is a BIG journey, I know it is hard at times, awful, black struggling all-be-d**ned hard work and some times one just wants to throw in the towel..but I believe there is no going back once we are on the path; and you are on it mate and one foot sometimes one tiny tiny step in front of the other day after day....the only way through is through the fires of pain and allow those and let them come up and don't focus them on you or another in this present day; rage and pain and blackness as yo speak of is old old pain that needs healing, needs to come up in a safe and managed way. It is good you are doing therapy; I know it may seem like it isn't working; I can't count the weeks of therapy i did when I would just leave in tears and feel no hope was out there for me, why did I bother...I guess somewhere in me I wanted more for myself than hurting...and I thank the universe, my god, that today i have that.
Stay strong bro, sometimes it is just getting through the next hour let alone the next day, but a moment at a time we can do this and just down the road is the most beautiful place you could have never imagined yourself to be, beyond any feeling day by day you have had in pain and dis-ease; it is freedom from that, and that is worth ANYTHING.
LOVE, the universe, your god, your higher power, is inside you, perfectly still, solid, strong, waiting for you, I hope you find it here brother. Blessings to you
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Post by triggered on Jul 13, 2009 22:17:31 GMT -8
Udtrob,
Everything is in a state of impermanace. We are born, and we die, people come in and out of our lives. This is the normal cycle of things.
Your poa isn't the issue here, from what I can tell, it's your own unhappiness with yourself, and your life. I get it. I have been feeling it. The void, the fear that things will never change--but guess what, they always do.
A year is not that long, and it can and will change. The thing is that when that change comes you want to be a whole person.
For me, I have realized that what ever is missing inside my heart, that makes me feel unsatisfied with everything, that makes me feel like I am already dead was there long before my poa ever came along. My poa was my drug of choice, I could have been doing another drug and it would have had the same effect.
When we are stripped of everything facing ourselves is hard, it's ugly, and it hurts, hurts more than losing the poa. But that is only an emotion--feelings will pass, if you work through it you will find you, and then you can go from there to building yourself up to the type of man you want to be.
Are you working with a sponsor? Are you working a 12 step program?
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Post by udtrob on Jul 19, 2009 20:47:25 GMT -8
Hey,
thanks for your kind replies, it means a lot. no I am not working with a sponsor, but i just feel sick that this had to happen to me, feel sick that my only way of communicating was how much I'm suffering when in fact I'm doing ok, but its kinda a self perpetuating cycle, if I tell her my life is falling apart then it begins to and my focus and concentration go again.
I stooped really low after the emails-I said "there's times I could ahve really done with your support, and i know that's too much to ask, but i've really struggled"
How could i stoop low enough to do a cry for help? I guess with break-ups i just tell myself that I wont hear from them again, but this is different-her best friend was my sister who passed away, so this woman kinda appointed herself my keeper.
God I'm sick of this-it really was getting much better until she got in touch and i just destroyed it again-I loved her as a friend, I loved her because she put up with so much nuts, I loved her because despite all my problems she saw something good in me.
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