|
|
Post by needhelp25 on Sept 13, 2009 20:18:47 GMT -8
I am so alone right now. I posted under the intro section once before, but I am overwhelmed right now.
He went to talk to his wife on Friday and talked to me on the phone in front of her, he said he didnt love me and he was going to work on it with his wife.
I have been contacting him all weekend so he can say goodbye to me, he was yelling at me, putting me down, and she was screaming in the background.
He has resopnded off and on to my texts, but I am trying to go NC, I jsut dont think I can. I have thought about just being gone, dying, not living anymore. It hurts too much to live, every unanswered text is like a pain.
Why cant he say goodbye to me, I feel like I want to die, I have been writing letters to my friends and family. Thinking of ways to do it, I just cant keep waiting. I want to hear himm say goodbye to me, but he wont. I think he wants me to hold onto him and not move on. He is right, I love him and I dont want to move on, but he makes me feel so horrible and I want to not wake up. I want to sleep and go away forever so I dont havbe to wake up knowing I will never talk to him again.
I hate myself for texting him so much, I hate myself for wanting a man who is so cruel and mean and uncaring towards me, I hate myself for trying so hard for him and then having him treat me like garbage.
I just want to go away.
|
|
|
|
Post by Angel on Sept 13, 2009 23:05:44 GMT -8
Dear Needhelp,
Hang in there and you will get through this. I haven't been here on this forum for long but it is great that you came and vented here. Hopefully one of the more experienced members will be able to help you see clearer.
I feel with you but would say that the most important thing is to forget him and get away. Don't expose yourself to this situation and his comments. They don't mean anything and are not a real reflection on who you are.
Take a pledge of no contact for your own safety and sanity! Throw your phone away or give it to someone to keep until you feel the urge die down. I haven't been in this situation so intensely for a while but remember it is very painful.
Become more selfcaring and look after yourself. He has his own journey and you need to concentrate on your own.
Hugs
|
|
|
|
Post by bushbiyu on Sept 14, 2009 6:07:09 GMT -8
Needhelp,
First thing. Focus on your safety. You have friends and family. Be around them as much as possible. Remember this: It is not that you want to die, it's just that it hurts so much. It's the pain you want to end, not your life. Reach out (hotlines, hospitals, therapists, this board, friends) as much as you can.
Second thing. You are not alone in this. I've been exactly where you are. I know what it feels like to just want that one more minute or conversation with someone. I know how it feels like it is not worth living anymore without him. When I first came to this board the man I wanted to be with physically dragged me out of his house because I wouldn't leave. I remember being so full of humiliation and grief and pain I literally felt like I couldn't breathe. Others on this board have gone through the same things, too. So realize that you can come here and write about what you feel and you can read about what others are going through anytime you need.
You are in our thoughts and prayers. It DOES get better.
|
|
|
|
Post by tcooley on Sept 14, 2009 12:16:58 GMT -8
hi needhelp25,
Im not sure if you have read any of my posts but I was exactly in your position the beginning of this year. I did want to die, I held a razor to my wrist and only the grace of god kept me from cutting.
What I want to tell you as that it is possible for you to overcome this but YOU have to muster the strength within yourself to beat this addiction to this person.
You know this is tremendously unhealthy for you and that his actions towards you AND his wife show you the character of this man. He doesnt love himself let alone 2 women.
You have to tell yourself that you are far more valuable than this relationship and the way it makes you feel. You have a life ahead of you and by God it will not be based on how this bum does or does not feel feel for you.
He triggered a feeling in you he filled a void. What attracts you to him? What makes you think he is the end all be all of your life?
trust me friend...he is not, it just feels t his way bevause thats what this addiction does. It makes you think unclear, it clouds your vision.
You are strong and you WILL overcome this. The will and the strength to do it is in you, just close your eyes and feel it and it will be there.
Your in my prayers.
|
|
|
|
Post by havefaith on Sept 14, 2009 13:23:30 GMT -8
You sound like you're in the depths of deep, deep despair and desperation. Please, don't deal with this by yourself with a little "positive talk" and self-hugs. Do you have a therapist with whom you can meet? Like bushbiyu says, it's time to reach out and get the help you need. This is a good start, but make sure you are in a safer place emotionally, ok?
|
|
|
|
Post by pennyp on Dec 14, 2009 15:41:44 GMT -8
Dear Need Help - I know exactly where you are... I spent 2 weeks in a psych ward to protect my self from suicide and I made that decision my self. My POA.. never visited and was busy if I called. Should be enough for to kick him to the curb, but it isn't. I still contact him and try to worm my way back into his life, but it does get better I know that even in my deepest despair, I have to believe this, that god will be there and if I focus on how god wants me to be, and not being god-like.. I will survive.
|
|
iwant2bfree
New Member
"And this TOO, shall pass......"
Posts: 25
|
Post by iwant2bfree on Dec 19, 2009 19:18:21 GMT -8
needhelp25....
he said he didnt love me ...wow, those words HURT! My PoA of 7 yrs. just said that to me about 2 weeks ago. I was suicidal last week. Please, please, know that be it medication, God, friends, THIS BOARD, or time etc; you will realize this man was a jerk and you will be shocked you even considered suicide. Please, if you feel this way again I beg of you to go to an ER-they will be so sweet to you and they will get you to a psych. hospital even if you don't have insurance. You would be surpised what meds can do for distorted, depressed thinking. Hang in there hun!!!!!
|
|
|
|
Post by Angel on Dec 20, 2009 2:56:22 GMT -8
Dear I want2befree,
I had a POA, in fact three of them tell me that they didn't love me. Then a short while later they both were guilty of standing around staring at me with lovelorn eyes, trying to touch me and rekindle the flame and all the ambivilent behaviour. I have learnt to forget WHAT they SAY cos whether they say they DO or whether they say they DON'T love me is IRRELEVANT! Why do I say that? Because "if someone Loves you, it feels like they love you!"
In fact, I realise that my XH and some of my XPOA still love and care about me cos they ACT like they do! Even today my XH has been helping me with business and stuff and my XPOA helped a friend get a gym membership etc,. Those are ACTS of love and from them doing that I FELT loved and appreciated and I told them so.
So what I am saying is that you can't trust what they say regardless, watch closely what they DO!
Trust your feelings not your thoughts!
|
|
|
|
Post by ok2bme on Dec 20, 2009 13:45:29 GMT -8
Angel,
If someone loves me it feels like they do!!!! OH MY!!! So simple, yet have been so trying to force or find evidence between the lines. My PoA does NOT say he loves me, he says he thinks I'm a good person but he does not want a relationship with me. I however want full blown, live happily every after love, NOW from him, everyday.
Maybe this will help me to accept what is. I see him at times wanting to be a friend to me & I push so hard it's even difficult for him to give that because I want so much more.
I'm not saying that I should let him be friends so it can grow to love....but I am saying, maybe he is not the one not matching his words to his action...I am.
With my H, I actually feel like he loves me...FEEL it...but am not sure why he has left me so alone our entire marriage & I'm not sure it's the best life for us.
|
|
|
|
Post by geedee on Dec 20, 2009 13:52:17 GMT -8
ok2bme,
if you want recovery you have to get out of the triangle. one or the other. or neither.
that's fundamental.
greta
|
|
|
|
Post by Angel on Dec 20, 2009 19:21:58 GMT -8
Ok2beme,
Maybe if we aren't clear about our feelings it is best to judge their actions.
I agree, as LAA's we have confused feelings too but I think that these confused feelings are actually a result of our confused thoughts. My sponsors are constantly asking me, "Angel, what are you feeling right now?"
I feel, sad, I feel tired, I feel scared that things are... whatever. Getting in touch with our REAL feelings is what the challenge is here in LAA.
Susan even has a thread where we write what we are feeling each day. It helps me keep focus.
Hope that helps
Angel
|
|
|
|
Post by ok2bme on Dec 21, 2009 0:08:15 GMT -8
Greta, You are right.
I forget I'm even in a triangle! I have had little to no communication with my husband & no intimacy at all. So I think I'm not with him, but he does not know about this & it would not be ok...so it's a triangle.
My PoA does not know I live in the same house with my H. I was moving due to my H's drunkeness & we never really talked about what took place so it was left at that. Again, triangle.
I can not truely start to build an honest life if I don't pick one or the other or neither to start. I will give this more thought. Thank you for making that point.
Angel, yes, that does help. Thanks.
|
|
|
|
Post by gratefulheart on Dec 21, 2009 14:20:07 GMT -8
ok2bme,
your words of not feeling like you're in a triangle, hit me hard. i am in an emotionless, disconnected marriage where my husband treats me like a ghost and withholds affection and closeness because he is turned off by it and damaged.
I have been so lonely being in this marriage..it doesn't even feel that i'm married. it has made it so much easier to get wrapped up in POA's.
Now that you mention it, i suppose i'm in a triangle too. I've been having an emotional affair with my latest POA for many years, off and on.
glad to know i'm not alone.
|
|
deebee
Junior Member
Posts: 86
|
Post by deebee on Dec 24, 2009 16:42:27 GMT -8
Glad to know I am not alone also. I don't feel married. My therapist said that I have emotionally detached from my husband. I don't realize the triangle I'm in because I feel more like a room mate than a wife. I feel more connected to my POA. I feel a closeness to him that is so good sometime,but scary sometime. I have been thinking hard about my situation yesterday and today. I believe I have figured out what I need to tell my POA-- when I am able to talk to him again.
That I no longer want to be just friends with benefits. If I can't have him then that's it--I can't take this much longer. No contact will be so terribly hard for me. I need my fix everyday. I am really confused,but I'm beginning to see the light.
Thank you to everyone who posts their experiences. It is a tremendous help.
|
|
|
|
Post by richardv on Dec 25, 2009 2:28:06 GMT -8
if i was not seeing my daughters for christmas..i would have ended it all last night..after wwhat happened this week and last night, idon't think i;m strong enough to feel all this pain
|
|
|
|
Post by gratefulheart on Dec 25, 2009 9:27:17 GMT -8
Glad to know I am not alone also. I don't feel married. My therapist said that I have emotionally detached from my husband. I don't realize the triangle I'm in because I feel more like a room mate than a wife. I feel more connected to my POA. These are words I could have written myself! Being emotionally detached from my husband truly does make me feel justified that deep down, i'm not really married.. it's just a piece of paper. And that it's ok to connect with others outside my marriage who are available to me and who, sometimes, feel more like a spouse than my husband does. |
|
|
|
Post by richardv on Dec 25, 2009 12:44:12 GMT -8
grateful heart-ever hear of a divorce? why put your husband/marriage through your dishonesty of your feelings?
|
|
|
|
Post by bonjourchic on Dec 26, 2009 14:10:13 GMT -8
I'm also new to the board... I wanted to say that I understand completely how you're feeling NeedHelp, as I'm in a similar situation. My boyfriend and I broke up last week and it has been hell. I too feel such pain that I don't want to keep going. But as others have said, I probably don't really want to die. I just want the pain to go away. Hang in there. I'm trying to. Know that there are others that are in the same situation and have made it through.
|
|
|
|
Post by geedee on Dec 26, 2009 14:14:55 GMT -8
welcome to the board bonjourchic,
greta
|
|
|
|
Post by ok2bme on Dec 26, 2009 17:34:14 GMT -8
bonjourchic,
Yes, it's the pain we want to stop...not us. Nice to have you on. Hang in there. Reading random posts really helps.
|
|
|
|
Post by moonlight on Jan 1, 2010 2:53:16 GMT -8
Dear everybody
Thanks so much for sharing. It's such a consolation to know I'm not alone in these feelings of despair.
As for me: I've made a conscious decision never to hurt myself again. I have in the past hit my head against the wall until I cried. But I don't do it anymore. And I don't consider suicide as an option anymore.
Also because through the years I've learned that in whichever situation I am, no matter how wretched I feel, at some point, at some day, a new feelings will arise. So during heart ache, I stick to the slogan: THIS TOO SHALL PASS. And it will!!!
Moonlight
|
|
|
|
Post by loveaddicted on Feb 2, 2010 12:30:40 GMT -8
GOD CAN
When you feel unlovable unworthy and unclean,
When you think that on one can heal you,
Remember Friend,
God Can
When you think that you are unforgivable
for your guilt and your shame
Remember, Friend
God Can,
When you think that all is hidden
and no one can see within
Remember, Friend
God Can
And when you have reached the bottom
And you think that no one can hear
Remember my dear Friend
God Can
And when you think that no one can love
The real person deep inside of you
Remember my dear Friend
God Does.
Author Unknown.
|
|
|
|
Post by greeneyes on Feb 19, 2010 17:39:55 GMT -8
I'm saying Goodbye. Two months off work and after four weeks back I feel even more miserable, stressed, depressed and hopeless than I did before. The women customers I find attractive are usually not friendly or smile and sayn hello to me after kissing and hugging their boyfriends...yeas I know I'm a loser that hasnt had a girlfriend in 13 years.
8 Days of NC with W and I feel more alone than anytime in my life. The only women that pay me compliments look old enough to be my mother. Now I can't go to a SLAA party because C willbethere and it's too painful and awkward having her ignore me and not look or talk to me. I feel absolutely hopeless-I hate my job-I will never have a girlfriend again-I'm running out of money-and I still have no real close friends.
Suicide is painless.
|
|
|
|
Post by kelleyboy on Feb 19, 2010 18:29:59 GMT -8
Greeneyes,
I really hope you do not do what you are intending through these statements. No one here knows you that well, and has anyway of getting to you, or getting someone to you. So if you weren't able to carry out whatever plans you have just made. Come back. Or get help. Do something. I know you're ability to cope is not enough to manage the problems you have, and that is what you need to come to terms with. It is ok to be where you are. We sit here helpless and hope you find God alive. Don't do it man.
|
|
|
|
Post by havefaith on Feb 19, 2010 19:10:41 GMT -8
greeneyes -- I pray for you.
You are loved. By God. By us. Do you have daughters? Be there for them.
Tomorrow is a new day. Live for it.
God - Grace - Gratis - Gratitude. Amen.
|
|
|
|
Post by geedee on Feb 20, 2010 7:30:38 GMT -8
Greeneyes/ Richard,
my prayers are with you once again. I hope that you find the help you need to get over this and you realise that there are people that love you and care about you.
we all care about you here and want you to get well.
God bless you
greta
|
|
|
|
Post by primrose on Feb 20, 2010 9:45:12 GMT -8
Richard, I hope you are still here. I'm praying for you. P.
|
|
|
|
Post by havefaith on Feb 20, 2010 19:12:47 GMT -8
greeneyes -- so happy to see you're still here. And as I am sure you know - suicide is NOT painless. It hurts the people you leave behind. Stick around with us. We need you. We need each other.
havefaith
|
|
|
|
Post by greeneyes on Feb 20, 2010 22:01:28 GMT -8
don't know what time i awoke...was angry iwas still alive ...went backto sleep upstaitrs....wokeuo aroud 3:30PM PST...Cleanec up mess said some prayers and got to aslaa meetng where i got honest somebody took me to a hospital and i'll see therapist...tomorrow i'll get exercise n a meetng and will go to the Party and will just pretend C is not there.
|
|
|
|
Post by kelleyboy on Feb 20, 2010 22:26:13 GMT -8
Glad you're still here with us Richard.
|
|
