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Post by sara1962 on Oct 18, 2009 8:53:43 GMT -8
I won't do that to my kids but I do have thoughts. I had them last spring when I was trying to break away from him. Then I felt better over the summer when I had limited contact with him. Only thing is I replaced him with another guy, although i didn't get addicted to him. He just took away the loneliness I felt losing the ex.
Now the ex is back in my life .. full force. Letter's everyday. They aren't romantic in nature .. more intellectual conversations. Still the feelings come back. The longing to be with him again come back. But he has a new love interest; I am only a friend. Perhaps he truly is a narcissist and I'm just his supply? I don't know.
All I know is that I am getting depressed again. My parents are moving away, my son is addicted to drugs, and I have so much pain and worry and I just don't see a good future for me. Yes .. I want to die. But no .. I don't want to kill myself. I just want to sleep and wake up one day happy again.
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Post by reina35 on Oct 28, 2009 0:35:01 GMT -8
"I just want to sleep and wake up one day happy again."
Yes. I can totally relate to that feeling. I can't move on from the person I am obsessed with. I'm tired of not having any peace. No. I am not suicidal, but I am tired of being tired and I've lost everything in my life that mattered. And for what? They are on again off again with someone else and still trying to make contact with me from time to time. Sometimes I answer, most times I don't. Still.
I guess I can't really offer any advice. I'm brand new to this, but I wanted you to know I can completely relate.
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Post by reina35 on Oct 28, 2009 21:45:37 GMT -8
" have realised that my POA became my God. thats why i got lost and gave up my faith for all these months.I started worshipping him."
Just wanted to say, Greta, that this is EXACTLY what happened to me. My faith is demolished right now and I realize that I made this person my God. It's horrible. I hope that one day my faith will be restored. I don't feel like I can be forgiven.
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Post by geedee on Oct 29, 2009 1:19:12 GMT -8
Reina I thought my faith had been destroyed for good too but it's back. I came to this forum and started readng people's posts. all of a sudden I saw myself for what I was - an addict. i had joked for months with my POA that I needed a fix if he didnt log on for a while or answer my emails. weekends unbearable during the times we were in contact. holidays were too because I had withdrawal symptoms every time.
the rollercoaster was unbearable and for months at the beginning of our correspondance i would regularly crack up because of guilt. but i kept going back as soon as the guilt wore off or sthg happened in my real life that made me want to escape.
But God was there and little things were happening all the time. My POA said and did things that made me hit rock bottom - read my earlier posts if you want- and i discovered this site. that was a miracle in itself. i didnt know that this was a spiritual journey until I had already read 50 or so posts.
if i had known that i probably wouldn't have come to this forum because i was sure I would never be forgiven. I was looking for scientific answers not for spiritual ones.
I still feel shame but I know God has forgiven me because he led me here. We have to start forgiving ourselves now and the only way to do that is by working the steps and completing the spiritual journey.
not turning to my POA he and i knew each other when we were kids and he allowed me to stay in touch with my past and the town and country I was born in. so it's giving up a lot.
But I'm on facebook more often and guess what, two other schoolfriends are back in touch. absolutely no romantic ideas there but it's a bit of a coincidence that 'sane' people are filling the void left by my 'insane' POA. Think God might have sthg to do with that too!
still on the internet too much but at least I'm doing positive things.
BTW it makes me feel good too when I see someone answers my posts on this forum. feels far less 'anonymous', doesn't it?
I've read so much and realise I am relatively lucky compared to people here with a lifetime of failed relationships. i had a happy childhood, was never abused,but was uprooted from my country at a young age. my life was turned around when my favourite sibling died in a car crash so I do have issues that have scarred me . I'm codependent, suffer severe separation anxiety and the few relationships i have had have been torture at times. but i hang on in there for dear life.
so I have real problems like everybody else here and as for many others, ending it seemed like the only option in my deepest darkest moments of despair.
knowing what I do now means i will have to look at my marriage differently. my husband can be psychologically abusive to me and our girls and there have been a few episodes that have been very serious. how is that going to affect my kids in their life choices? even more convinced that HP is the only one that can help me make the right decisions.
no room for POA and his ambiguous advice. his system of values (does he actually have any? ) is not my system of values. it was for a while when I took what he said as gospel but he is no longer my god. quite the opposite. dont want to think of him as 'the toxic one' but his ways are toxic. no doubt about that. so absolutely NC. 20 days today. think that's the longest ever. but the difference this time is that I am serene and I know that when we are in contact he twists things so that i fall back into his trap. NC all the way. and we can all help each other here when things get too much. dont pick up the phone and call them, dont email,.... come on here instead and there are loads of people like me that are here for you Reina. and i need people to be there for me too. one kind word goes a long way....
we are all at different stages in recovery but i know exactly how i felt a couple of weeks ago. and reading what you write reminds me how bad it can get and how easily we can get sucked in by our addiction. but we all know it's just a quick fix and things can only get worse. so what's the point in prolonging unnecessary suffering? we all love the drama but enough is enough! let's get a real life
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Post by pennyp on Dec 14, 2009 15:33:39 GMT -8
I'm sorry... but what is POA?
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Post by geedee on Dec 14, 2009 15:41:28 GMT -8
hi pennyp and welcome to the board. a POA is a 'person of addiction'. there is a forum I think containing a glossary of all the abbreviations you will find here.
you are not alone so i hope that makes you feel a bit more comfortable today.
read as much as you can and post your story in 'introductions' if you feel like it. sometimes it just helps to get things off your chest.
otherwise just keep reading and you'll see that there really is hope for recovery from love addiction. I've only been here two months and feel so much better. believe me, you can get better if you want it to. You'll find the tools you need to get started here.
greta
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Post by loveaddicted on Feb 17, 2010 8:34:27 GMT -8
I am having thoughts of missing him. I know he has moved on did before our relationship was even over. I do not understand how some people can just jump into a relationship without grieving the previous one. I am grieving and the thought of someone else is so far down the road for me. I am not even emotionally available for someone else. I just think life is unfair how some people can jump from relationship to relationship. It has been three weeks of no contact with him though which makes it harder seems like. I do not know what I would say without getting upset about the new person in his life. I will be so thankful when this ends. I am so tired of thinking and feeling so much hurt and anger wishing I could have broken up with him before now. That is why I am loveaddicted.
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