October 2009. I drank and started taking pills I could find in the house. I even took pills prescribed for my animals. I woke up at 2 am and laid awake til morning. I started throwing up much later. I met with my POA later that day and told him about it. He was fairly disinterested. If I loved somebody, I would do what I could to get them help. When I told my ex-husband about my interest in divorce he was traumatized. I took him to a Pastor to get help. This was a wake up call. I hurt every day. My POA is incapable of feeling my suffering because he does not internalize the pain, EVER. He cannot feel like a normal person. I have SO MUCH to give. I need to quit giving to the wrong person.
Post by gratefulheart on Dec 6, 2009 22:17:15 GMT -8
I thank God that you are still here. Your life is very precious, Polly. God put you together with His own hands and no person has the right to destroy that.
You owe it to yourself to get into recovery. Your POA sounds very sick and almost narcissistic. Like a ghost who is void of emotion and who wants to make you a ghost too.
You are right; this is your wake up call. You do have so much to give and as hard as it is.. you need to first give it to God and yourself. You won't be free until you work toward letting go of what is killing the essence of who you are and what you exist for.
I hope you continue to read and post. We are here for you, polly.
Glad you are here Polly. Suicide has crossed my mind many times during my lifetime. It has again recently. Then I think of the pain it would cause those left behind and that I can't put an end to what God has given me. I will have to suffer the conciquences of my decisions and whatever comes my way. I am realizing that I may never be happy,but that it is really up to me--no other person can make me happy. I take anti-depressants,but I still deal with depression most days due to many different reasons--not just a POA.
I feel like I have much to give,but nobody ever seems to appreciate it. Sometimes I give too much and get hurt in the process. I am dealing with that right now. I know I need to stop it. I wish I didn't give so much when I get next to nothing in return.
Thank you EVERY ONE OF YOU! Thank you for being present and understanding. I believe my POA has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I have given, almost, my very life for him. It means NOTHING to him. I cannot understand this lack of feeling for one you continue to profess your love to. I DO NOT understand being unable to feel.
God is in each one of us. I have been honoring his god spark and dishonoring my own.