I swore I would never attempt suicide again...

Snarfblak,

I have been right where you are. i understand the feeling of having no identity and no will to live apart from your POA. But you must come to realize like many of us here have, that you WILL be ok without your POA.

i read this book called, "how to break your addiction to a person" by howard halpern. It has changed my life and i ask you to please give yourself a chance and read it. It talks about how we are either living in "infant time" or "adult time".

In infant time, the terrified little child in us, relives the excruciating feelings of our past. and we feel the dread so deeply at times, that like an infant, our reality tells us we will die without someone to love us and take care of us.

But here is the big thing, snarfblak, since our attachment needs were either not met or not met adequately enough when we were developing our character and how we relate to others and ourself when young, we have been stunted. we are still stuck in infant mode and like a broken record player, we torment ourselves and revert back into being childlike and incapable of being alive without a caretaker.

This is where recovery comes in. Where we begin to face our child like fears and finally grow like we were meant to.. and realize we are really in "adult time". we WILL be ok. the feelings of suicide and like you are dying are really feelings of a wounded child that just needs to be told he's/she's ok!

Your attachment to your POA is an addiction that distracts you from feeling like a lifeless being, a ghost, maybe even an identity that was never really developed.

I realized for myself that i was subconsciously searching for my father in various partners. I was inevitably choosing people who were emotionally unavailable like he was. it's like the mind's way of choosing the same circumstance and trying to bring closure to it. whenever my partner would leave me or abandon me, i went into panic mode. i thought i would die. i only realize now, that i was projecting my need for my parent's love on this person and when they left, it made me feel like that little child again...i was losing my dad all over again but this time he just had a different face and name.

I have been there. I'm there still, sometimes, even now. but it DOES get better. you just need to hang on and know there is hope. please keep reading and posting and please do get that book i mentioned.

Hello Snarblak..

Thank goodness that you are still here with us. I have tried several times to end my life and spent alot of time in Psych Wards.. the only thing that pulls me out of this dreadful cycle is my daughter who loves me very much, even though I am a pain the butt. The last time was because of my POA. I just couldn't get it through my head that the reason I was in so much pain was I was not getting what I should have from him and put so much into it, I thought it would get better. Well, it didn't and I am the long journey of finding my higher power and myself in the process. Please hold on, it will get better, not perfect but better.